messedupandtwisted asked: Hey Unka Glen, my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and we’ve been together for a long time. I found out that he’s cheating on me, because he told me that I’m too fat and ugly and he doesn’t want me anymore. What should I do Unka Glen? I’m hurting so much that I’m thinking of killing myself.
Unka Glen answered: Oh honey, killing yourself won’t solve your problem with this guy. Killing HIM on the other hand… well, but then you’d end up in jail, where there’s nobody to date at all, except for other ladies, which is another post altogether.
Besides, I hear that when you die, your bowels release and you leave a nasty surprise for whoever finds you. That’s not exactly the kind of lasting impression one wants to leave. So if we can’t get rid of the problem by killing you, or him, we have to figure out how to kill these thoughts in your head.
Let me give you a three step process:
1. Don’t eat the fruit of the poisoned tree. If you hang around as many courtrooms as I do, you pick up the lingo. And in this case “eating the fruit of the poisoned tree” means that if the source of the information is messed up, then the information coming from that source must be regarded as messed up too.
Let’s say you want to invest a lot of money in the stock market, and the homeless man on the corner holds up an empty soup can to his ear, and tells you that he’s receiving a transmission that tells him tech stocks are likely to trend upwards this year. You wouldn’t invest in tech stocks, because, ya know, you have to consider the source.
And trust me, a bum with an intergalactic soup can communicator has more credibility than a cheating ex-boyfriend.
2. No blame-shifting. He’s trying to say it’s not his fault that he cheated on you, it’s your fault for gaining weight. He’s actually attempting to make YOU blame yourself for HIS wrong actions.
I mean sure, if you pushed him and he fell onto this other woman, then yes, you would be partially to blame, otherwise, the only right way to look at this thing is to say that HE ended this relationship the moment he decided to cheat, and that he chose, all on his own, to act in a way that brought dishonor to himself. If there’s a problem with a relationship, you end it, and THEN you move on.
3. Forgive yourself. As soon as you realize that HE is fully responsible for the relationship ending the way it did, and that he acted in a way that can only be described as shameful AND that he tried to get you to take responsibility for it all, then you’ll realize that you chose him, trusted him, and were vulnerable to him.
And here’s the thing, you have to forgive yourself for making that choice. Everyone with an active and healthy dating life ends up dating at least one person that’s horribly wrong for them. (Can I get an Amen out there?) Yes, in hindsight you can see all the signs were there, but the only relevant thought moving forward is: from now on, I’ll know what to look out for.
As Christians we have to: 1) learn to go by what the Lord says about us, and not what the enemy says about us, and 2) we have to accept responsibility for our own actions, while urging others to do the same, and 3) we’re meant to practice forgiveness (including forgiving ourselves). So these are skills you’re already developing, you’re just bringing them to bear on your struggle.
The world is filled with cute Christian guys who are looking to meet someone just like you. Find a good one and give him a shot. Dust your shoulders off sweetie, this ex isn’t worth the salt in your tears.