Unka Glen

ambra-occhi asked: Ok, I want to go on totally chill dates, so I’m not a mis-communicating awkward mess for my future husband. In the past when I’ve gone on dates, the guys seemed innocent, but then had more than chilling and communicating in mind. How do I practice dates/communicating for my totally rad future man, while avoiding the horny toads and accidentally leading guys on, because the word “date” seems to usually include their ulterior motives? [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: This is a really awesome question, because in order to answer it, we must start by picturing a really rad marriage, and work our way backwards. In order for this marriage to be truly rad, it needs to be unique to the two of you. Good marriages are like a work of art, custom fit to your two different personalities, and your two different sets of gifts from the Lord. 

So if designing something unique and outside-the-box is the best way to a good marriage, then it makes sense to me that the same would apply to dating as well. Why bother trying to fit into the box of modern secular dating? Heck, I think a lot of people doing that kind of dating realize there’s something shallow and unromantic about it all. 

For that matter, why bother trying to fit into cookie-cutter Christian dating norms? Most of that looks just as unromantic, but with sexual repression instead of sexual meaninglessness.

Are any of these people helping you figure out what to do right, as opposed to avoiding whats wrong? I don’t think so. By contrast, what would it be like if a Christian gal and a Christian dude came together and shared their totally unique ideas of the awesomest dating life ever? And then they took the best of those two ideas and did that?

I should think that the results would be truly rad, indeed.

So what might that look like? Well, let’s start here:

- Write your own fairy-tale. Why not sit down and write out what would be the perfect way for YOU to go through the process of getting to know someone, being romantic, building a relationship, going through the engagement process, and into a marriage? Your goal is to have it glorify God throughout, and to end up building a team that serves the Lord more effectively together than you each could on your own. 

- Share your fairy-tale. The right kind of guy, I promise, will LOVE your fairy-tale. if he saw that you had laid all this out, deciding when it was okay to kiss goodnight, when it was okay to make-out and do some “couch wrestling”, and what is expected of him in terms of romance, spirituality, and sensitivity… well let’s just say that lots of guys would benefit from the information. 

- Make that fairy-tale come true. Convince your potential dating partner to share his fairy-tale, and see where they overlap, and see if maybe he has some rad ideas you never thought of before! I think from there, before you even seriously date each other, you’ll have a sense of whether this is a good fit or not. And the boundaries and timing will be clear to everyone. 

- Rewrite a better fairy-tale. Maybe a dating relationship goes kablooey, and you learned something from that. Get out that fairy-tale and edit that sucker. Maybe you hear of some little romantic gesture that is so cool. Write that down! As you get to know yourself, and as you evolve, your fairy-tale should evolve as well. It’s okay to be specific: “I like to cuddle, I like to get hand-picked wildflowers, and when I’m married, I’m gonna come at him like a jungle cat.” 

For a wise and worthy man of God, all this will be more than a set of things to do to please you, it’ll paint a picture for the kind of romantic person you are, it’ll open him up to see things about you that even you didn’t realize about yourself. Remember, real men of God are not intimidated by high expectations, they’re inspired by them!