Anonymous asked: Hi Unka ! I’ve been in a highly Biblical courtship with a guy whose 3 years older than me for five months now. We were best friends for a year before, and he had more than friends feelings for me the whole time. The trouble is, Unka, I cannot seem to get past his past. Before he was a Christian, he was in a highly sexual relationship with a girl and they had a lot of sex; it was all infatuation. Then he dated a girl and they did all sorts of stuff. Please help, what do I do?
Unka Glen answered: Okay, coupla things, first, courtship is not Biblical. It’s a man-made idea, and a lot of recent Christian ideas about dating were not even made by smart men, (or women). Biblical dating is: his dad gives your dad some sheep, and you get married, in your teens, to whoever your dad picks. And then you wait to see how many other wives this guy ends up having.
We aren’t going that route, so lets set this goal: to have a relationship that is Christ-centered and that gives glory to the Lord. I think that’s about as correct and Godly a goal as you can have. Unfortunately, you aren’t anywhere near that.
Why does your boyfriend’s past bother you? He did it before he was a believer. He has since repented, and accepted the total, unconditional, and free forgiveness of God Almighty, who has taken this sin away, as far as the east is from the west. There can be no sound theological reason for you to hold his past against him.
Maybe you feel inadequate next to these other women who are more sexually experienced, but if he wanted that life, he would still be in it. Maybe you worry that he wants to return to that life, but trust me, being friends with you for a year before dating you is not a man desperate for sex. I suspect this is all about that word “purity”.
As it turns out, you are not pure. If you were pure darlin’, we would all be worshipping you. It turns out that you’re a big fat sinner like the rest of us down here on planet Earth. But you’ve been taught to draw a line around certain particular sins and say: these sins make you impure.
So, as you’re on one side of that line, and your boyfriend is on the other, according to the unbiblical way you were taught… you are pure, and he is not. The actual viewpoint of the Bible, is this: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
Confession that leads to forgiveness that leads to being purified BY GOD is how we get in right standing with God. Everything else is a heresy that leads to a judgmental attitude. Not only were you never pure, darlin’, bless your heart, I think the sinner we have to figure out what to do with… is you.
To follow the sins of the flesh when we don’t know any better, that’s pretty understandable. But you already knew that God’s instruction to you is to see everyone, even yourself, through the eyes of grace, and knowing that grace is meant to be the color of your world from this point forward, you somehow find yourself obsessing over sin, in someone you love no less, that was already nailed to the cross and paid for.
You love this guy, I can tell it by the way you worded this question. And you know your attitude was wrong, that’s why you asked this question in the first place. So repent of this attitude, and humble yourself, and I promise you will feel an immediate and overwhelming peace. Your love didn’t lead you to this place, the Bible didn’t lead you to this place, it was listening well-meaning but utterly clueless and biblically inaccurate Christians.
The love you have in your heart says: “I know the man he is today, and I love that man without hesitation”.
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