Unka Glen

An interesting post where Miss Elle turns stuff we’ve written into conversations, first with me, and then with Jed Brewer. Very cool.

elleinwonderland writes:

Dear Unka Glen and Jed,

You are [bleeping] awesome and I love you a little bit right now. I could just send you this but I thought I’d make it public because God knows other people need to know this as well.

So my boyfriend has dumped me. The boyfriend that I honestly felt that God had sent me, who seemed to be exactly what I wanted in almost every single way. And he dumped me because of something that is a seemingly unchangeable part of who I am. I’ve told God the story until He is probably sick of hearing it, I’ve begged Him to give me him back, I’ve asked him to let me have him back if it’s His will, I’ve begged Him to do anything, *anything* to stop me thinking about the situation.

And what you said was this:

Oh, honey. It’s not right, it’s not fair, it’s not okay. It sucks, I know it hurts, and for the record, you deserve way better. What do you do? You move on sweetie. God has better for you, and in the meantime He has healing for you. Moving on is about putting one foot in front of the other. That part is simple. The hard part is avoiding the big fat lies that can really make this part of your life miserable. 

So I already failed at this part Unka. I’m already pretty damn miserable. Church is happy, spending time with friends is happy, and the rest of the time it’s just a big fat ball of misery sitting in my stomach.

Lie: This is my last shot! Ah yes, the all time greatest hit on the suddenly single again playlist: I’ll probably never meet anyone ever again, and die alone, surrounded by all my cats, each dressed in adorable outfits I’ve lovingly crafted for them. 

Truth: God is all powerful, and He wants to see you in a kick butt marriage that glorifies Him. It’s gonna happen. So on behalf of your cats, put down the fabric and step away from the sewing machine.

Good start Unka… you made me smile, which is probably no mean feat.

Love comes from God, and God gives us as much love as we accept. Your breakup doesn’t make you less, it makes you more. Just ask the next person you date how they feel about it, they’ll tell you this: 

“I’m glad you left that old relationship, I’m glad that you don’t hate that person, it makes me happy to think that if this doesn’t work out, we can still be friends. I like that you call me on stuff, and don’t let things get out of hand, based on what you’ve learned. I like that you have the courage to still be a loving and passionate person. And I’m glad you’re no longer in a so-so relationship, and that you’re in this relationship where I can spoil you rotten, and be sweet to you, and cuddle, and picnics, and chocolate, and holding hands, and love notes, and togetherness, and praying, and singing praise songs together.”

And the thing is, you’re right. Because I did learn a lot. I learnt what a Christian relationship can look like. I learnt about some aspects of my personality that could do with some work because they don’t make for good relationships at the moment.

One of the main problems with this break up is that, same as my last one, I feel as if I’m being pushed into thinking that it’s all my fault. And you addressed that one too:

Lie: It was mostly all my fault! The enemy wants you to think that this is a personal failure. That you failed at being in a relationship. You can say it’s all your fault, and then tell yourself that all you have to do is fix you, and hey presto, you’re back in business, but…

Truth: …It takes two to tango baby, relationships are complicated, messy, and delicate. It’s almost never just one side that went wrong. Blaming yourself for the mistakes of others is not a Godly mindset, we already had someone that accepted mistreatment to make things right, and you ain’t Him, okay?

I guess that set me straight then.

Pun not intended, that brings me to the reasoning for the break up I guess. That just brings me to a collossal mess inside my head because I can’t get my head around whether bisexuality/homosexuality is wrong or not. If God gives me a definite sign that it’s wrong them I am more than willing to change… *if* He gives me a definite sign that it’s wrong *and* he shows me a genuine way to change that doesn’t involve me just ignoring and repressing. Unka Glen to the rescue once again.

You’re not in this alone. You are loved. As you are. Let there be left only this— that you make the changes in your life that love demands of you…To make changes in guilt or shame is not an act of love.

Obviously I still need to go and continue praying over this because wonderful as you are, you’re not the big man Himself. But I’ve been asking Him to give me some definite wisdom and right now I think He might be talking through you. Right now, if I try to force myself to become straight, I’m not doing it out of love.

You should know how God feels about something before you go to change it…You should let God change you, in His strength, in his timing, and according to will, not anyone else’s.

Sure, all the stuff on your list are sins, and they aren’t okay to ignore, but remember, if the enemy can’t pull you out, he’ll push you deeper in. If he can’t get you to ignore your sin, he’ll get you so obessed with your sin, you’ll never focus on anything else. And of course he will only give you sins to obsess over that are a symptom of your core problem. You can fix everything on your list of sins, and a whole new set of sins will just pop up in their place, like Kleenex. 

And suddenly I’m no longer sure if my bisexuality is the issue at the moment. The issue is my not trusting God, my fear that because I thought He’d given me this relationship and it went wrong, that He won’t give me another one, and my fear that any future relationship will end because of my bisexuality since this one did. So maybe I need to stop praying about being bi and whether or not God wants that to stop, and start praying to be able to trust Him more, and to recognise that His love for me doesn’t stop or diminish because of my sin, whatever sin that is.

And then I went to Jed - and Jed, what you said was this:

Here’s my question back to you: is there more to you than your sexuality?

Oh Jed, but that’s the lie that the enemy keeps tricking me into questioning at the moment. I feel as if my ex treated me as if the answer was ‘no’. What you said to the person who was originally in this situation was:

can you just sit down with God and talk about something else?  I want you to imagine this for a moment.  You go to God in prayer, and you’re praying about being [bisexual] and how part of you loves it and part of you is ashamed and what should you do – and suddenly, you hear a voice.  And the voice says, “I hear you.  You’re confused.  I understand.  Down the road, we’ll deal with your confusion.  For right now, could we please talk about something else?”

Like my ability to trust in God. And my belief in His love for me, perhaps…

God’s love sets people free – free from shame, free from confusion, and free from repression.  When the time comes, whatever God has for you in the arena of gender and sexuality is something you’ll be able to receive as a gift and a blessing, and not a punishment or a curse.

To another struggling girl you said this:

I see in this question a gal who has committed what Christian culture has (wrongly) made the chief and cardinal sin of our age, and who, in spite of that, finds herself wrestling with the fact that she knows God has something for her.  I don’t hear a girl who’s given up on the idea of a Godly husband, I hear a girl who knows, somewhere within her heart, that there will be a Godly husband, and she doesn’t know how that will work.

Which actually may be where I’m coming from too… whilst it’s tempting to believe that this is it, I’m never going to find someone and I will always be rejected in the future, not all of me honestly believes that. There will be someone, but I don’t currently trust or love myself or God at the moment to understand how that’s going to work.

Thanks guys. Going to go and have a word with Daddy now.

Sis x