Unka Glen

remembermehiddles asked: So I’m going through a really tough time like boyfriend wise. All my friends have gotten boyfriends recently and I’m still single. I know God has a plan for me but I’m finding it really hard. Have you any words of wisdom for a confused, short, English girlie?

Unka Glen answered: You left out adorable, but we’ll let it slide this time. I could give you advice about faith, but if I’ve learned one thing about ministry, it’s that once you find yourself saying, “ya just gotta have faith!”, it’s time to find a new profession. And as you say, you know that God has a plan, but what does one do in the meantime?

Oh you could be all “Christian” about it, and pretend that it’s all good, and you’re just happy for your friends and such, but who has the energy for all that? Sometimes you need that one big gesture that will strike a blow for freedom and liberate those who suffer (in this case you). In short, it’s time to make up a boyfriend. 

Oh, I don’t mean it’s time to lie about things exactly, and certainly hiring a male escort is just right out, so no, I mean simply begin to refer to your semi-imaginary boyfriend, and then insist that you “did too” mention him before.

Now it’s not enough that you simply have a semi-fictional boyfriend who is steadily going nuts for you, you need a name for this chap, and in my own charming American way, I’m going to assume that “Nigel” is the perfect choice. Needless to say, we need to embody Nigel with certain spectacular qualities, ones that neatly explain why he is mysteriously absent, and preferably something that inspires a number of fake texts each day. 

“Nigel is almost to the top of Mount Everest, he sends greetings from base camp!” “Nigel baked delicious no-calorie cupcakes for everyone at base camp.” That sort of thing. As a jumping off point, I think you’ll want to pick at least one of the following…

7 possible qualities of Nigel, your made up Christian boyfriend (mix and match as needed)

1. He’s a pediatrician who works for Doctors Without Borders, delivering very adorable third world babies.
2. He’s in seminary, currently studying baptisms, so he’s been practicing on puppies. That’s right. Baptizing…puppies. Boom.
3. He plays guitar, has a beard, he has many interesting sweaters (jumpers) that he doesn’t mind me stealing …and he loves Jesus. And giving massages.
4. He’s a fireman who specializes in rescuing little baby kittens from deadly fires. (I know!) So amazing.
5. He’s an actor on that show with the supernatural mystery science fictiony stuff where the handsome guy always comes to the rescue.
6. Two words: underwear model.
7. He lives in a place called Asgard, he’s kind of a big deal there. 

Well, on a more serious note, humor can help us find our center, and calm our worries. Once we’re there, praying for a bit of patience is much easier. God has amazing things in store for you, and thrilling adventures of the heart await. Meanwhile, there’s always Nigel. And your friends. And me. And for course, the Lord Himself. We know how to make the waiting a bit more fun.