Unka Glen

Anonymous asked: Hey Unka! I have a question for ya! There is a guy and we have become really good friends through doing youth ministry together, and we both have similar interests in music, art, DIY things and all things creative. I have a great friendship with him, and enjoy serving with him. Recently I have developed feelings for him, and I’m not quite sure what to do. I really don’t think he sees me anymore than a friend, but I could really see myself in a relationship with him. What should I do?!

Unka Glen answered: Well, there are a few different ways of looking at this. The first would be the modern feminist point of view. They would say: do nothing. They would say that women shouldn’t have to do anything to make themselves attractive to men, and that people should be attracted to the person, and not the body they come in. We should all be attracted to each other’s minds.

I totally agree, this is how the world should work. It doesn’t work this way, it never has, and it’s likely that it never will. After counseling more than my fair share of couples over the years, I can state that the vast and overwhelming number of marriages (including Christians) are actually started with pure animal desire, and these two poor people have to try to make a life out of that. This is in fact how the world actually works, for better or worse.

Now you could look at this the old fashioned way, and in that case, you’d also do nothing. Because old fashioned dating involves the woman waiting for the man to get a clue and ask her out, and if he doesn’t, well, get used to being lonely. Now, make no mistake, those old fashioned ladies had their ways of beating the system, and luckily old fashioned dudes were NOWHERE NEAR as reluctant to pull the trigger as guys are today.

Or you could give into your emotions, which currently might just be making you feel like a big ol’ chicken, and like perhaps you’d die if you said something and he rejected you. So you figure, make him take all the chances. But in each of these approaches, the answer is the same: suck it up and wait.

But I’ll give you one other way of looking at this problem. What if you started from the perfect Christian marriage you might be dreaming of, and walk that back through engagement, through dating, all the way to making this first move. Now ask yourself, what kinds of things made that fairy tale romance so good?

You’d list out honesty, openness, vulnerability, and excellent communication, among many other things. So here’s what I’m saying, if you want to end up in that happily ever after Christian marriage, you do the stuff from the beginning that will make it happily ever after. That is, you look to communicate clearly, with honesty and vulnerability from the beginning.

Sure you could get rejected, but think about what foot you’re starting on if you aren’t open and honest. Eventually, there’s a lack of honesty in pretending to be friends with him when you’re really hot for him, and there’s a cowardice in not expressing affection, just because it might not get returned. Cowardice and deception are bad for relationships, and they’re both whatcha call “sins” too.

Sure, I see that feminist perspective, and I respect it. And culturally I was raised to be a bit old fashioned. Should woman have to sit around waiting? That doesn’t sound right. Should they have to make the first move? That doesn’t sound right either. 

In the end, I think it’s about looking at that ideal Christian marriage, and practicing the elements of that solid Christian marriage from day one. Speak your heart, take your chances, use your charm, and be brave. It may go badly, but if you succeed, you’ll be on firm ground from the start.