all-my-m1stakes asked: After 18 years of fighting suicidal urges, after years of abuse, after fighting this Eating Disorder that has nearly taken my life more than once, I’m at a place where I don’t even have much of a relationship with God. You’d think that after all that I would find a way to snap out of my selfish, self-absorbed thinking, overcome this depression, these afflictions, and face what I needed to face in order to “get better.” I am getting more and more angry at not only myself, but at others. I find myself wanting to lash out. I know the promise that says God is with us through this life. I don’t know what to do with that promise. I don’t know how to make that be enough. Even though I know it should be, I still want to scream at God, accuse Him of asking too much of me, even though I know, logically, that such a thought, such an accusation is absolutely ridiculous. How do I face those around me who have good intentions yet hurt me with their simple answers that they give, the ones that I’ve tried over and over, that make me want to yell at them, to hurt them? [edited for length…seriously]
Unka Glen answered: I gotcha on all this, you’re doing better than you know. Let’s take these one at a time.
I don’t have much of a relationship with God. You’d think I would find a way to snap out of my selfish, self-absorbed thinking. Nope I wouldn’t think that. If you’re dealing with suicide, depression, and eating disorders, and you’re beginning to put some of that behind you, then this is what you should look like: exhausted, wrung out, weary, frayed, grumpy, and in no mood to attempt any sanctified behavior whatsoever. You don’t snap out of any of these things, you work your way out, and when you work, you get tired sista.
I’m getting more and more angry at not only myself, but at others. Sure, you clearly expect way too much of yourself, and you imagine others have the same expectation, and high expectations + no way to meet them = stress, anxiety, and anger. Expect of yourself: slow and steady progress with a determined attitude, based on your love for God.
I know that God promises to stay with us through this life. I don’t know what to do with that promise. I don’t know how to make that be enough. It isn’t enough. It’s a whole lot, but it’s not nearly enough. You need a daily and unlimited supply of peace, love, patience, wisdom, and joy. Before you can move forward one inch, you need to know that those things will be in place, with no holding back, from here on in. God promises all that, plus never leaving you, and so much more.
I still want to scream at God, accuse Him of asking too much of me, even though I know, logically, that such a thought, such an accusation is absolutely ridiculous. Let me make this clear, and if you forget the rest, remember this: God would much prefer to hear the ugly, mean, unfair, ridiculous lie about Him that’s killing you, than to hear a thousand praises that you know to be true, yet you don’t really feel to be true.
Scream at God. Vent, yell, get that poison out of your system. I promise you, at least once a week I pray this prayer: “Lord, I know I’m wrong about this, and I’m not claiming to have the right attitude, but I need to say some stupid stuff in here that feels true to me, and then I can listen to you.” Trust me, God is strong enough to handle our little rants (He already knows how we feel anyway, so why not be honest?).
Oh, and He definitely IS asking WAY too much of you. You cannot possibly pull off the things He’s asking of you. Period. Now, the part you’re missing, is that He wants you to let Him do those things through you. He wants for you to lean on Him, and let His strength be what gets it done, not yours. But all that really requires submitting, trusting and some serious vulnerability.
How do I face those around me who have good intentions yet hurt me with the simple answers that they give? They don’t know any better. Most of your friends are probably unfamiliar with treating severe depression and anxiety. Find counselors who know how to counsel you, and find friends who know how to do good friend stuff. That stuff might include helping you to get out and do something fun, that might be giving you an encouraging word, it might be simply listening to you.
We’re all told the same thing, the first time we come to church: behave in church. Don’t be yourself, put your best possible foot forward. Stuff your emotions, and deny any problems you have. But this is not Christianity. I’d encourage you to go back and read through the book of Psalms, and make note of how often David was RAW with God. How many times he vents, and rants, and then feels himself able to turn to God in thanks and praise.
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- palngai said: thank you!!!! i needed this too
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- isimplyamwhoiam said: Thank you! I love Alex with all my heart & want her to be healthy & happy. Some day, she & I are going to meet & have lunch! It is so wonderful to see others being honest & caring with her, & I want to thank you so much for that!
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- jennaychennaynay said: GOOD STUFF.
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- hunnybunny said: thank you so, so much for all of these aswers.
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