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saf-safx asked: Hi Unka Glen, I am struggling with the fear of talking to the guy I’m attracted to, and so I only talk to guy friends I’m NOT attracted to, so it looks like I don’t like the guys I do like. This could be due to the fact that I’ve read a lot of ”Do’s and dont’s” articles about Christian dating, and how a woman should never initiate and that you should wait for the guy, the articles in themselves were not bad, but I seem to have taken it to the extreme. The fear of making my feelings obvious and looking desperate stops me from talking to him. [edited for length]

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Unka Glen answered: Back up a step there. You say these articles aren’t bad? Really? Are you sure? I mean, for the record, you’re paralyzed by fear, and you are completely lost and clueless on how, when, or if you should do something about this relationship, or what that something might look like, and what this guy might think of the whole thing. You’re worse off in every way as a result of reading these articles.

When it comes to how you view the dating process, the plane has crashed into the mountain.

And these articles you’ve been reading aren’t bad you say? Hmm. Let’s see, a woman should never initiate, right? Well, if you read Ruth chapter 3, and if you can follow some of the figures of speech, you’ll see Naomi and Ruth performing that age-old practice of Godly women: plotting together to get an man (Boaz) to marry a woman (Ruth). And Ruth most certainly initiated that, and (spoiler alert) Boaz married her. 

Ah well, you’re right in one sense, you started off feeling like a big ol’ chicken, and these articles took advantage of your fears, and manipulated you into doing nothing about your dating life. You knew this was not dating advice designed to give you the best and highest quality dating life, it was advice designed to keep you from dating altogether.

Right now would be a good time to recognize that Christians can, and will, give advice that is simply wrong, dumb, damaging, and even totally unbiblical. Therefore you need to use Godly wisdom and discernment on everything you read, including Christian stuff. You’re in a bad place because you heard bad advice. Period.

Of course, to be fair, the secular messages for women and dating these days are just as bad. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a romantic comedy where the woman falls head over heels in love, and spends the whole movie making romantic gestures trying to get a man to fall for her? Let me know, I’d love to see that movie for a change.

I’m gonna tweak out many a Potterhead out there (and bless your hearts, you know I love ya), but I watched that Hermione walk around with a sour look on her face, and a stick up her butt for a half dozen movies, and somehow this ginger-haired dude is dying to get with that? Maybe in the movies, but in the real world, if you want a man, YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Okay you’re shy. That’s not a crime, but living your whole life that way might be. You know what’s worse than telling him how you feel, and getting rejected? Watching him date one of your friends, breaking your heart, and knowing that this could have been you, and knowing that you don’t deserve to have romance in your life, because in the moment you weren’t willing to be romantic.

Romantics know that they’ll get their hearts broken, and they embrace that. It’s worth it to have a chance at a beautiful romance, for however long it may last. A real woman of God doesn’t fear rejection. She is loved, so she loves boldly, and she knows that if this man doesn’t have the sense to know what he’s getting, the next one will, and he’ll probably be better looking too!

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    Truth.
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