Unka Glen

Source: godsradicaldaughter

Anonymous asked: How do I learn to love myself?

Unka Glen answered: You will love yourself when you see yourself the way God sees you. 

This isn’t something you learn, this is something you accept. In order to accept the truth you have to reject the lies that you’ve bought into. Here are a few you may be familiar with.

— You aren’t good enough. One of the ways that the enemy gets you to swallow a lie, is to  arrange a series of truths in such a way that they lead you to make a false conclusion. Yes, you are not good enough for God to love you because of your goodness. Yes, you have done bad stuff. And all that might drive you to think: therefore God doesn’t think much of me.

Whereas the truth is, because I have done bad things, Christ died for me, taking my punishment, so there is now nothing between me and God. The blood of Christ is an exact measurement of how important I am to God. And it’s His goodness I’m going on, not my own.

— You don’t measure up, like these other people. We all can look around and find someone who’s living a straighter lifestyle than we are. We can all look around and say that someone else knows more Bible than we do. You know what I say? So what. Satan knows every page of that Bible, and even quotes it to suit his own purposes. (Matthew 4:5-7)

But I’ve taken ahold of the hem of my Master’s cloak, and I’ve been hanging on for dear life. Now, it hasn’t always been pretty, but I’m changing, little by little. I’m leaving behind some of my favorite sins and hangups, because I can’t always hold on to them and my Master’s cloak at the same time. And you know what else? I’ve watched a LOT of those straight dudes backslide while my messy little walk is still limping along.

— Just look at all the sin in your life. You know what, how ‘bout you don’t? Hebrews 12:1-2a says “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” You throw off the sin, and you keep your eyes on Jesus, not the other way around.

…All these lies will keep you spinning in circles, and they’re a constant part of your life for a reason. Nothing scares the enemy more than you finding out who you are to God. Once you see yourself the way God sees you, these lies won’t ever really stick. Once you see yourself as He sees you, then you won’t be tempted by cheap counterfeit pleasures. 

Ephesians 3:17b-19a ”I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge…”

mindoncoffee asked: Hi Unka Glen. Help me to understand what true forgiveness is. Is it when you can manage to not be angry at someone anymore? I know that being a Christian is living life with a forgiving heart but executing that plan ain’t easy. What I do know so far is that true forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened or pretending that nothing happened. But what exactly is true forgiveness and how do you know when you’re there? What steps can someone take to be able to forgive? Thanks!

Unka Glen answered: Forgiveness is when you deny your right to justice. And it’s true that forgiveness is central to the life we live as Christians. Here’s why: Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” For me, this is a simple equation: no matter how much justice I want over those who have wronged me, it’s nothing compared to the forgiveness that I want from my God.

I want you to think of forgiveness like peeling away the layers of an onion. It takes time, it often involves tears, and it can’t really be done all at once. The anger we often feel as a result of being mistreated, is likewise something we give up a layer at a time. Often I hear people say “I thought I forgave him, but I’m still mad”. In truth, they did forgive that outer layer of stuff, but that just brings up a deeper layer.

New or immature Christians often see things in black or white, all or nothing. But the truth is, life is complicated, and the human heart is more complicated still. Forgiveness is a process, not a switch that we flip. Moreover, you’re right that trust is an entirely different issue. 

We are meant to forgive the way we have been forgiven (which is totally, just in case you were wondering), but we are meant to be mindful of the weaknesses of the people around us. We are meant to be discerning in how we develop relationships. Trust is meant to be earned. Our forgiving nature is not meant to be a loophole that others can use to exploit us.

Anonymous asked: What’s your take on premarital sex?

Unka Glen answered: It’s not as good as post-marital sex.

The truth is, I had a number of “wild years” in my life, and had more backslides than I care to count. And I lost my virginity in high school, long before I got married. Did it feel good? Yes, like they say about pizza— good pizza is amazing, bad pizza is still pretty good. Did it ruin the relationship I had with my wife when we met and decided to get married? No.

But I said what every premarital person says on losing their virginity… it’s a subtle combination of “that was something”, and “is that it?”. I thought it would be amazing, and spectacular, and earth shattering, but it was kind of a fumbling and clueless moment that we hadn’t talked through, and that we weren’t really ready for. It wasn’t magical or amazing.

It felt a lot like we had dessert before dinner.

Soon after, the relationship ended, and I sought the forgiveness I knew I needed, and got things back in track. In truth, it was a LONG journey from that moment to figuring out how to be a Godly man in a relationship, and I spent some years living entirely on my own working that out.

But in the end, once I got myself on track, and met my wife, the experience on my wedding day was TOTALLY different. We had spent much of our engagement talking about our likes and dislikes, stuff we wanted to try, all our wild fantasies. And that wedding night was something.

But that was only the tip of the iceberg. You see, everyone has their own ideas about sex, and what it’s for, but for the two of us, looking at it as believers, we discovered that sex could be a way for us to find a deeper intimacy. It became a beautiful way for the two of us to literally become one flesh. It became a way to bring excitement, and thrill, and sweet pleasure into our lives. It was a way of taking things from good to great. But if you don’t have the good marriage to start with, well, then it’s all icing and no cupcake.

Married sex, at least within the context of Christian marriage, should be a celebration of the chance to give another person a deep and abiding pleasure, a way of celebrating the body of your partner, and a celebration of giving a deep, beautiful emotional release. It’s about loving another enough to map out their every secret pleasure spot, learning their every turn-on, and spoiling them rotten with pleasure.

Sex, in the context of Christian marriage, becomes another way to serve one another. And trust me, if you do it right, it’s truly worth the wait.

Anonymous asked: Right now, I really feel down in the dumps. Recently, I’ve been watching porn. I always stop for a while, then head back to the habit of doing it again. It really sucks after every time where I say I want to stop, and yet I’m continuing in this vicious cycle. 

Could you help me out here, uncle? You’re freaking awesome, for all the replies you’ve given to all the people out there. This has really crippled my spiritual self, and almost always, my dreams of becoming a worker for God full-time feels like it’s teetering on a crevice. Please help me out here! 

Unka Glen answered: I got ‘cha on this. You feel bad about this situation, but let ask you a question, are you SURE you know what to feel bad about? I’ll bet you don’t. When it comes to sinnin’ you’re still an amateur, listen to the professional, I’ll tell you what to feel bad about.

— It’s not the sex part. God made you with a built-in desire to look at naked people. God make sex to feel good, He wants you to enjoy it feeling good, and when He puts limits on you, that’s so you can enjoy it more, because the time is right.

Yes, you aren’t following God’s instructions on this, but I’ll bet that you don’t really know exactly what God’s instructions are. And I’ll bet that you have no earthly idea how important mistakes in your sex life are to God, as opposed to all the other mistakes you make in your life.

I’ll bet that when you mess this up, it feels like the most wrong thing you can do. It’s not. The sex part isn’t even the most wrong part of this situation, let alone your whole life. 

— It’s not the porn part. Yes porn can be exploitive and demeaning to women, but even when it isn’t doing all that, it’s doing something worse: it’s making sex boring. It’s making it just another image on a screen. Two-dimensional. Unfeeling, uncaring, cold. 

Taking something sacred, beautiful, and super-hot, and turning it into something boring and cheap is wrong, but it’s not the main thing that’s wrong here.

— It’s not the masturbation part. Ask God if it’s okay for you to be masturbating or not (that’s what you do when there isn’t a really clear Bible verse on the subject). Whatever He says should be the last word on the subject. But again, I’ll bet that you took your cues from the society around you, and decided that if that many people are ashamed of it, then God must be against it. 

Let God speak for Himself, and make no mistake, the last thing you should be doing is looking at the culture around you for indications of what God thinks. This is a mistake to be sure, and as common as the others, but still, not really the main point here.

— It’s not the the cycle itself. You could look at this situation and be glad that you have the strength and character to at least occasionally stop this behavior, and you could have looked at this situation and see that all the guilt and shame never stopped you from falling off again.

Seeing that shame and guilt weren’t working, you turned them up, and they still didn’t work. This means one of two different things: A) you are a sociopath with no conscience, or B) guilt and shame have no power to help this situation, they just make you feel bad in a way that makes you feel like you can’t turn to God. But you know what you can turn to? Porn.

There’s your cycle, and you should have seen that developing, and why it’s wrong to wallow in the guilt that is already weakening your resolve to stay on the path . This is wrong too, but not the most wrong thing here. 

— It isn’t the hidden sin part. Sins we do in secret seem darker and more evil, but the truth is, if you had never looked at porn and masturbated, then YOU would be the odd one out. This, of course, doesn’t make it okay behavior, but it should put things in perspective. Lacking this perspective has been hurtful to you, and damaging to your walk, but that still isn’t the main thing here.

HERE IS THE MAIN THING: you didn’t turn to God. I’m guessing that most of the times you fell off of your own self-imposed commitment to stop, it was because you were lonely, sad, depressed, tired, or overwhelmed. 

You may be looking at this behavior outside of the thing that’s driving it, and that’s a mistake. Porn is a response to something painful going on in your life. And like most of us, you turned to the things of this world for comfort. And if you can dig it, you took a much better option that many of those around you. But it’s a wrong option. 

God is there at the bottom of life. God is there when you just feel like you can’t take it any more. God is there when everyone else has left you behind. God is there, and He isn’t judging you, or scolding you, or giving you hoops to jump through. He’s there to give you comfort, and love, and peace, and hope.

Turning away from those things He offers is the sin. Anything else you do, any other direction you take, is a sin. The right direction to take is into His arms. Dwell there awhile, and for that moment, I’ll bet you don’t have a craving for anything else in the world.

Anonymous asked: I work at my mom’s job, and there are these older men who often look at me in the wrong way, and discuss things between each other. I ignore them, but it makes me mad because my mom is there, and they know I’m her daughter. I have nothing against physical attraction, but what angers me is the lack of respect. Is it ok to feel angry? How should a woman react in such situations? I think “silence is the best answer to a fool”, but I wanna know what Unka Glen thinks, because you give awesome answers!!

Unka Glen answered: Well, it sounds like you’ve already got some awesome advice from a very wise woman (and talented writer), and, well, I’m from Texas, and had this happened to my daughter, I’d be looking to kick someone’s butt up between their shoulder blades for them. But let me give you some wise options, and the Lord can help you sense which of these options is right for you in any given situation.

Option 1: Let it go. Just because you know you’re right and they’re wrong, that doesn’t mean that you should always press the issue. Proverbs 26:4 says, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him”. We want to avoid others bringing us down to their level. 

When I got engaged to be married, my father gave me a great piece of advice, “Son, every time a fight kicks up, ask yourself: is this the hill I wanna die on?” In other words, it’s not about how right you are, it’s about how important the issue is. Respect is important, but after praying it through, you may decide that you don’t want to be swayed by a bunch of silly talk.

Option 2: Turn it around. Most arguments start with two prideful people, boasting away. Show humility, and they may not have a comback for that. Imagine saying, calm and cool: “Please tell me what I’ve done to offend you that would cause you to disrespect me this way. I’d like to apologize for whatever I’ve done that has allowed you to treat me in a way you wouldn’t let any man treat your own daughter.”

Appealing to people’s better nature, and to a conscience they may not be paying much attention to, may be a lower-percentage option, but when it works, it’s a beautiful thing.

Option 3: Nip it in the bud. If you really want to confront this thing head on, then learn the most important lesson of confrontation: the cheapest price to pay is at the beginning. After that, it just keeps getting more and more expensive (and messy, and painful). A quick, sharp word at the beginning has more power than a thousand shouted words coming from a false sense of courage built in anger.

Drop your voice a half-octave and give them an “Okay then” or a “slow your roll”, or “pump your brakes”. This can send a clear message. This behavior is okay to a point, and we’re at that point. That can help stop things before they get out of hand, or it may just escalate things, and the next thing you know, you’re stuck in some pointless drama that ‘s just not worth it. 

Again, prayer is key in choosing the right response, sometimes we just can’t predict the outcome. But whatever way you choose, I’ve got your back. In fact, me and a van load of ex-cons who love Jesus have your back. 

Anonymous asked: Hello, Unka Glen. Basically, I’ve been dating this guy for nearly half a year now, and things are going really well…kindof. My current boyfriend is such a wonderful man. He’s smart, and funny, and he loves God. He’s my best friend and I love him dearly. But..the problem is we have gone farther than I ever intended to go, and deeply regret it. (Note: we have not gone “all the way”) It seems that both of us struggle with lust and we need help and accountability. I don’t want to give up on the relationship, but I will if it’s the right thing to do. I guess I’m just looking for some wise, un-biased advice. Thanks for your help. 

Unka Glen answered: Well, to me, it sounds like we have something worth saving here, and for sure all the struggles with lust are normal and to be expected. So let’s start by assessing the nature of this problem. You say there’s a problem with lust and self-control here, but I think the problem might be faith and wisdom (which are much easier problems to fix).

Paul said, in Romans 14, “Everything that does not come from faith is sin.” He’s saying that you’re meant to go to God, and ask what to do, and then do that thing, having faith in God that this thing is the right thing. When you do that, you’re walking in righteousness. Everything else is sin.

This quote comes in a chapter where Paul is talking about meat that had been sacrificed to idols. Some Christians thought it might be a sin to eat meat that was part of a religious ceremony honoring a false god. But Paul tries to explain that this isn’t the kind of thing that the Lord cares a whole lot about, and that they need to pray and see that for themselves, BUT…

If they don’t seek God’s wisdom on this, then they can’t be certain that this particular action is right or wrong. Thus they live in doubt, and “Whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat [the meat sacrificed to idols], because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.” The sin in your case isn’t that you violated your own boundaries, it’s that you set your own boundaries.

By not asking God where that line should be, you both were heading off on your own, away from God’s wisdom and guidance. And here’s the wild part, maybe God will tell you the stuff you’re doing now is okay, and here you are beating yourself up, because of rules you made up in your head. And here’s another thing, it’s very easy to cross a line you set up, but crossing that same line, when you know that God has set it, well, that’s something else.

You mentioned accountability, and if I could hold up a mirror to your generation, I would tell you the lack of accountability comes from a lack of certainty. There’s a lot of hand wringing, and self-doubt, and uncertainty, and “who’s to say?” in your generation, and by contrast, there’s a discomfort with someone who is convinced about things. 

But if you actually work through those doubts, you reach a point of certainty. And when know for sure what you must do, there’s no escaping the choice. As long as you wallow in intellectual uncertainty or religious supserstition, you’re free to not act, because, after all, “who’s to say what I should do?” 

But in this same chapter, Paul says “I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.”

In essence Paul is saying that we’re taking things that aren’t sins (or may not be sins), and turning them into sins because we don’t seek the wisdom from God to know where the path is, and thus we aren’t walking in that wisdom by faith. In your case, the solution is very simple, shut down the physical side of things until both of you are sure you’ve heard from the Lord on it.

In fact, if you haven’t already, I’d go back to the beginning and ask if it was God’s will for you to get together in the first place, and then ask for all kinds of good wisdom on stuff. Do we need to spend more time on studying the Word together? Should our prayer life be different as a couple? How can we best exhort one another to hold to the faith? Each answer will give you more peace than you can imagine, and excitement, knowing that you’re on the path.

Then ask about the physical side of things, and make sure you know where GOD is setting that boundary. And keep checking for wisdom on that, in case the Lord wants to change where that line is. This is stuff you both can do, and knowing where those lines are, will give you the freedom to fully enjoy everything on the right side of that line. Trust me, you’re both gonna do great at this.

Anonymous asked: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years and we are both Christians. One thing that breaks my heart is that he doesn’t seem to understand grace, that Jesus died for our sins and that we no longer have to be afraid of God’s punishment. He doesn’t seem to have a relationship with Jesus in the way that I do. He goes to church every week and prays as well, but I don’t think he sees God as a good God. I believe this is due to what his church teaches, I don’t think they’re teaching the wrong thing but maybe their focus is too much on what WE must do, instead of what Jesus has already done for us. I can’t ask him to leave his church because his parents go to that church, and he’s been going there ever since he was young, and he doesn’t seem receptive to what I’ve been trying to tell him. Does this fall into the “do not yoke yourself with unbelievers” category? Because I really love him and I just really hope that things will change. What can I do? I really want to help him and breaking up with him doesn’t seem to solve the problem. Despite what I’ve just talked about, he still loves me, respects me & cares for me in a way that no other person has ever treated me. Thanks so much Unka Glen. [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well darlin’, I have to say, reading this question just broke my heart. What a tough situation. I think it’s nice of you to give the church a break on their teaching, and it’s nice for him to go to his family’s church, but of course none of that matters if he’s being led down the wrong path, right?. You CAN ask him to leave that church (if need be), because we don’t put sentiment and human obligations above our obligation to our maker. 

The first thing I’d look at, would be to talk to the pastor at your boyfriend’s church and see if he’s part of the problem or not. You can even call the pastor anonymously and tell him your situation: “I have a boyfriend who goes to your church, and he does not have a basic understanding of being saved by grace, and I need you to sit down with the two of us, and make sure he knows that he is saved by grace alone, and not by any good works, and that he is totally saved, and should have no fear of punishment.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

If the pastor hesitates to help you, then you know that he’s part of the problem, if he’s open to helping, then maybe you’ve solved this thing in one stroke. If that doesn’t work, perhaps there’s someone outside his church that he respects, maybe a campus ministry leader, or maybe even someone from your church. One way or the other, it’s going to come down to a choice he has to make. 

The truth is right there in scripture to be read over and over, indeed none of the New Testament makes sense without grace. And the truth is appealing, as in, what is it about eternal life, in paradise, as a free gift, that you don’t like? But the lies are appealing in their own odd way. There’s something that feels so right about saying that God is always mad at us, and we have to do what we can to keep Him from squashing us, (oh, the drama) and we have to look down on ourselves, and punish ourselves, to keep God from having to bother with punishing us. 

Sure, none of those lies make any sense if you just sit and think hard about it for awhile, but these lies FEEL true, and that’s the dilemma that your boyfriend needs to face. Your question is a smart and brave one— what if he doesn’t come around to believing in grace? Are you unequally yoked? The answer is yes, yes you are. However, I think his love and his care and concern for you should be taken into account. I think he has more than earned some extra time and consideration. I think it’s right for you to be patient with him on this thing, and give him plenty of time.

All of us who are reading your story will keep you and your boyfriend in prayer.