Anonymous asked: Hey, Unka! Thanks for helping, always giving such great answers to our questions, and really guiding us. There’s a Christian guy friend who likes me, and I think he’s going to confess soon. I don’t like him in that way and I don’t think a relationship with him is the best idea. In the case that he does confess his feelings, what should I say or do? I want to tell him the truth, but I also don’t want to hurt his feelings. How do I do this in a way that glorifies God and edifies him?
Unka Glen answered: Well, there is no way to avoid hurting his feelings. And trying to do so will likely end up making things worse, and more confusing. It hurts less to rip the bandage off in one quick go, rather than slowly peel it off. So be brave, be clear, and let that painful moment happen. It will pass.
Having said that, you don’t need to be grave and serious about it either. Sometimes it’s better to say something like, “oh sweetie you know that you and I would never work out, we’re too different, but I’m flattered that you’d think of me that way.”
However, I’m intrigued by your awesome goal here to glorify God in this, and edify Him as well. I like how you think. So let’s look at a few things we can try here:
- You can let him know that you already sensed his feelings, and that you already prayed about it, and that you just don’t think it’s a good fit. This will at least let him know that you took it seriously, and that he’s worth the consideration.
- In Texas (where I grew up) we have a saying, “there’s a lid for every pot”. It’s worth explaining to him that it’s all too possible to be attracted to someone (in this case, you) who simply wouldn’t be a good fit.
- You can then maybe help him think about what kind of woman he would be a good fit with, as opposed to who he’s just attracted to.
- You can help him for sure by telling him anything that he did right, but if he’s open, it might do him a world of good to hear some pointers on stuff he could do better with the next gal he asks out.
- You can ask him if he’s got someone else he’s thought of asking out, and maybe offer to “coach” him on asking her out. Stuff like how to dress, and what to say, and generally how to be. You can maybe even pray together that he would find that right fit with someone.
- Building men up is actually very easy. Modern culture tends to encourage young women to act cool, aloof, and detached when it comes to love (in other words, the opposite of the way they want to be). And girls who are chicken realize that aloof and chicken look a lot alike. Either way, men HATE that aloof act. We don’t have any clue what women are thinking anyway, so why bother hiding your feelings? As such, dudes don’t often hear much in terms of compliments. If you tell him that he’s attractive, and a good catch for the right gal, he’ll take it to heart.
- Show him that you want to be a sister in Christ, and a help in his romantic life. It’s not what he wants right now, but if his buddies see you helping him out, that will be a nice testimony.
Let me tell you a little story to illustrate that last point…
So I’m in high school, and there’s a dance coming up, and there’s this girl in my history class that I really wanted to ask out, but she was kinda out of my league, and I had no idea if she really liked me.
Meanwhile, the French Club is running a little fundraiser where you can buy one of their cupcakes, and they’ll deliver it to whoever you have a crush on, so it can be like a secret admirer thing.
Here’s where it gets interesting: a gal named Mary from my youth group in my church is in the French Club, and she knows I’m trying to work up the courage to ask this gal out, and Mary also happened to be the best looking, and the most popular, gal in the school.
So I’m sitting in History class when there’s a knock at the door, and there’s a cupcake delivery, not from an anonymous admirer, but signed by Mary the class uber-hottie, and addressed to me! So the gal I’m hoping to ask to the dance looks over at me, and asks me if I’m going to take Mary to the dance.
I lean over and say, “no darlin’, I’d much rather take you, if you’ll have me.”
Of course I left out the part where Mary was already dating a friend of mine from church… But here’s the thing, all my guy-friends knew about this development, and to a man, none of them had ever heard of a cool, popular, and attractive gal doing anything for regular dudes like us.
When they asked what would possibly cause Mary to help me, without me even asking for it, I said, “we go to church together, and that’s just how we do it. We look out for one another.”
That’s a testimony.