Unka Glen

The word “pastor” means “to shepherd.” As you know, a shepherd makes sure that his sheep have food and water, are protected from dangerous animals and thieves, and stay close to the herd. He takes care of sheep that are sick. He leads the herd to the best place for them to be. With that in mind, it’s worth asking if you actually have a pastor - a shepherd - in your life.

If the head of your church is too busy to know your name, hear your story, and honor your request to sit down with you, then (professionally speaking) he isn’t your pastor. He may be the guy-in-charge of the church you go to, and he may be a gifted public speaker, but he isn’t your pastor. And if you’re saved, and looking to grow, you need someone further ahead of you in the faith to help shepherd you through the changes that are before you.

Understand that this person can be a mentor, a Bible study leader, or even a Christian brother or sister acting as a sponsor for your twelve step program. They don’t need to have a degree in ministry, and they don’t need to have the title of Reverend. What they do need is to be a bit farther along in their walk with the Lord than you, and to have love in their heart for you specifically.”

-from the March BridgeBox devotional

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youmakemewannabebrave asked: There’s a guy who I’ve recently met through church; we hang out in the same wider group of friends. And I’d like to get to know him better (with the intention of possibly dating if he feels the same way.) Girls don’t usually do the asking out in my church so any ‘action’ on my part will probably seen as quite forward. What do you suggest I do from here? How do I get ACTIVE about it? Thanks for being so awesome!

Unka Glen answered: Let’s make the following clear:

• If you’re a man who has never asked a woman out on a date, then you ought to remain silent on what any Christian person does with dating anywhere, anytime. Like the rest of the Christian walk, if you want us to do things right, have the courage to do it yourself, and show us how.
• If you’re a woman who is unwilling to do anything to participate in her own romantic life, and expects it to all just “magically appear”, AND you expect us to respect that attitude, then you need to respect another woman’s desire to simply  flippin’ get on with it.

But it seems like the main thing missing is communication. The guys aren’t asking the women out, and you don’t know why. Are they chicken? Are they concerned about coming off as too icky and forward? Are they perhaps a new species of male humans, placed here by aliens, who have no interest in a romantic life of any kind?

One absolutely must open the lines of communication in order to move forward. And in order to do that, it’s time to activate the LCM. As you must already know, the church and all it does would have long ago run aground, had it not been for the tireless work of the secret underground organization that keeps everything running…I’m referring of course to the Lady Christian Mafia.

Sure, it appears that the church is mostly led by men, but we all know better, don’t we? From church secretaries to pastor’s wives, the Lady Christian Mafia keeps things running, and we have never needed the LCM more than we do right now. In this situation, it’s time to create your own local chapter of the LCM, bind yourselves together, and bring healing to the land.

I would meet with a few female members of your group who are cool, sit down, and draft a list of questions that you’d like to have answered. That list might look something like this:

• Given that dating is not a sin, and it is, in fact, the responsible way for us to develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex, and help us to learn to build a proper foundation for a Godly marriage, why do you appear to be against it?
• Do you expect us to do something about this?
• How on earth can we tell when you’re attracted to us?
• Does this basically boil down to a combination of fear and not knowing how to proceed?

My guess is that you’ll get a solid yes from the guys in your group on that last one. And if that’s the case, then maybe we ought to give the guys a break, and figure out how to meet in the middle. Draw up a list of guidelines so the guys know what’s okay. Here’s a list I’ve posted previously, use that as a jumping off point, and make your own:

• Stop waiting for the perfect time, perfect circumstance, or magic words. Stop waiting for us to signal to you that we’re interested. Just say “would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime?” If you don’t like coffee, substitute ice cream.
• Coffee time is not a date, it’s just getting to know each other, if you get to know me and want to ask me out, say so. 
• You can ask more than one of us to have coffee with you, as we said, it isn’t dating, and we aren’t exclusive.
• When you do eventually ask us out, be clear that this is a date, and then the usual behavior applies: bring flowers/candy, etc., hold open doors, pull out chairs, ask us about ourselves, say we look nice, and walk us to the door. Maybe you’ll get a nice kiss on the cheek, and that’s plenty enough for a first date.
• Speaking of physical things, we won’t be having intercourse with you until we’re married. Period. This is NOT because we lack sexual passion, in fact, put a ring on it and see how passionate a real woman of God can be …if you think you can handle it.
• Speaking of marriage, you need to be serious about this relationship, and serious about eventually getting married, even if you aren’t ready (financially or otherwise) to be married in this exact moment. 
• We are inclined to pray about decisions that effect this relationship, and you’re gonna be patient with that. And you’ll want to be doing some praying of your own as well.
• At some point we need to be exclusive in this dating thing, and it would be nice if you mentioned that first.
• You need to set an example, spiritually speaking. You need to set the pace. Maybe lead us in prayer before we go out on a date. Maybe send over a little quiet time devotional you’ve put together for the two of us. That sort of thing.
• You don’t have to be smooth, or look like a celebrity, just show us your heart, be a gentleman, and have some confidence.  

Either way you work it, it’s about pulling together to figure out how to make things work. I don’t see any reason why any grown Christian woman should feel the least bit funny about asking a nice Christian guy out for a cup coffee. Anyone who thinks otherwise, send them to me. 

Recognize all this is coming from an old-fashioned dude that came up in an era when women never asked men out. Even so, the LCM knew how to take care of business back in the day. Here’s a type of conversation I had more than once in my high school days.

Friend #1: You know who I am, right?

Me: Yeah, you’re Suzie’s friend.

Friend #2: We’re her GOOD friends.

Me: Okay, easy there.

Friend #1: You think Suzie is attractive, right?

Me: Sure!

Friend #2: So why haven’t you asked her out yet? You think you’re too good for her? You think you can do better than her?

Me: No, no, it’s not like that.

Friend #1: That’s right, you can’t do better. She’s the best. 

Me: Look, I like her, I didn’t know she liked me, I’ll ask her out.

Friend #2: You better believe you’re going to ask her out, she’s been waiting and crying, and that’s our friend right there. So what are you gonna do?

Me: Ask her out?

Friend #1: Hold me back, I’m startin’ ta lose it.

Friend #2: Yeah you’re gonna ask her out, then apologize for not doing it sooner, and bring…

Me: …flowers and candy and tell her she looks nice and take her to a movie that’s about feelings.

Friend #1: That’s right. Don’t hurt my friend, next time we won’t be so nice.

Me: Yes ma’am.

…Work together ladies, the church needs it, and the human race needs it. 

Another episode of my fictitious adventures with Timmy the False Prophet…

Timmy: Hey there.

Me: Hey Timmy, you still doing the false prophet thing?

Timmy: Yep, it’s steady work, and the pay is surprisingly good.

Me: That’s too bad, I was hoping you’d be getting out of all that.

Timmy: Oh no, the head office just came out with the best campaign ever!

Me: Really…

Timmy: Yup. Here it is: “Manipulation is good for Christianity!”

Me: That’s awful.

Timmy: I know, right?

Me: No, I mean, it’ll never work. If you manipulate them into reading their Bible out of guilt, eventually the guilt wears off, and they go back to not reading the Bible. So what do you do to keep them from seeing through the fact that it simply doesn’t work?

Timmy: Uh…duh… more manipulation.

Me: So their whole walk is based on coming to you, to get mistreated, where you put a burden on them, and then they do what you say, to get rid of the guilt or fear or whatever, and then they’re supposed to just sign up for a lifetime of that? A lifetime of depending on you and this ugliness, as a way of supposedly becoming a strong Christian?

Timmy: [Giggles] Yeah, and it’s going great. Christians love hearing that they suck. Almost as much as they love telling each other that they suck.

Me: Yeah, but eventually Christians will surely come around to the fact that a relationship with God can’t be based on letting other humans jerk them around with fear, shame, and guilt. Eventually they’ll develop a feel for that manipulation and reject anything that person says, based on that attempt at manipulation.

Timmy: You’d think. But the trick is, they never question how their walk is meant to take shape, because they’re always focused on what it’s supposed to look like. They’re always looking at the ends, never the means. So if I make you feel bad and unworthy, you don’t even notice, because I’m pointing you towards something good, like reading your Bible, or tithing, or being “more committed”. I can treat them like dirt, and they’ll take it, even as its destroying their walk with God, as long as I’m simply pointing them towards something that sounds right, like “you should pray more”, or “you should go to church more often”, or “you should stop masturbating”.

Me: Well, aren’t you afraid that people will read verses that say stuff like “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom”? Heck, Paul practically mocks the Galatians, telling them in an almost sarcastic tone: “it’s for freedom that Christ set us free”. Won’t they eventually question anything that makes them feel less free?

Timmy: You’re adorable will that Bible stuff, but Paul told those dudes centuries ago, don’t go back and be burdened again with the yoke of slavery to religion. But Christians have been ignoring that ever since. What would you have, if you didn’t have manipulation through fear, shame, and guilt? 

Me: Love. 

Timmy: Sounds kinda flimsy to me, but then, they don’t call me “Timmy the False Prophet” for nothing. Either way, trust me, people love being in bondage, Jesus tried to set them free, and they nailed Him to a cross for it.

Me: I like being set free.

Timmy: True enough, and that being the case, it’s time for me to move on. This manipulation thing is gonna be big. Really big I tell ya!

I recently received a couple of messages that have me thinking…

mulberryoak asked you: Hi Unka Glen, I have a question. My husband and I felt as if we weren’t doing enough for the Lord and His people, after praying for weeks for Him to move through us and to guide us, we were given the opportunity to help a church in Africa. The church needs money to finish building their roof, to house and feed some missionaries; they also need bibles, and clothing for the children at the church. We cannot find anyone interested in helping—even our own church. Do you have any advice?

1lg-prvbs3-5-6 asked: Had a read of Matthew 25 and wow, I tremble at how it is of utmost importance that we serve people in need for we are serving Christ, & also sadness as I’ve realized the attitude within my local evangelical circles that serving the poor is seen as an afterthought or ‘background stuff’- which needs to change.

Unka Glen answered: Here’s the thing, I’ve spent my entire career working with people at the bottom of life, addicts. gang members, ex-cons, the homeless. You name it. That is to say, I earn my living from people who agree with me that this work is important. But that’s where the problem is as well. 

In Texas we have a saying, “never ask a barber if he things you need a haircut”. The meaning is clear, the barber’s input shouldn’t count as much, because he’s always going to say yes. Likewise, an odd dynamic arises when a person devotes their entire life and career to something, it means that people feel a little more comfortable tuning you out on that subject, because they sense you’ll always say “more is needed”.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and I’ve come to one big conclusion on it. YOU are the solution. Indeed, only you can be the conclusion. As much as we need people on the front lines doing this work full time, we need an army of support behind us to get it done, but more importantly, we need someone like you to move that army into place.

Here are the hurdles that must be overcome:

1) Get a copy of your church’s budget. They should have plenty of copies laying around somewhere, and no problem whatsoever showing it to you. If they act funny about you asking for a copy of the budget, it’s officially time to move on.

2) Take in the scope of the problem. Do it without making excuses for anyone, without taking excuses from anyone, and without utterly losing heart. If you are part of a suburban American church, you will very likely be disappointed in your church. Sad as that may be, you’re here to change things, not mourn how wrong things have been.

3) Suggest goals. I’ve never heard of a church with any goals of any kind related to missions. What about starting a seminary in a third world country? How many sunday school supplies should be sent overseas? How many wells dug? How many short term missions trips? Once your goals are in place, then you can start looking to partner with existing ministries to help you meet those goals. In a quarter century of missions work, I have never once seen this happen. You could be the first.

4) Jerusalem, Judea, and the ends of the Earth. When Jesus sends out his followers at the beginning of the book of Acts, He tells them to take the Word to Jerusalem, Judea, and to the ends of the Earth. You can use this as a sort of rough guideline, to do some missions locally, some regionally, and some internationally. 

5) Motivate people in a positive way. For most churches, they look at how much money is left over, after they do everything that needs doing, and that’s how much they decide to put towards missions. When you look at it that way, chutes always say they just don’t have enough for missions. The whole church is then caught up in a very negative system where missions gets the church’s “last-fruits”. Get people excited, and they’ll give in ways they never have before. Including giving more to the church itself. 

…Bottom line: I recently spoke to a group of seminary students, and I said the following: 

“2 Corinthians 8:11-13 makes it crystal clear that there should be financial equality between churches. Your denomination does not have this equality, and they are not working on achieving equality. If you want to minister to rich people, you will get rich doing it, if you want to minister to poor people, you will become poor doing it. Period. You are either about to benefit massively by this system, or get screwed over by it.”

As much as I told these future pastors that the change is up to them, today I think it has to be you as well. No pastor can change things on his own. We need you.

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Anonymous asked: Hi Unka Glen! I feel pressured being a Christian lately. I feel like I have to be this good perfect girl for everyone :( and this is still bugging me ,because why are we still called sinners? I mean if we don’t sin always? I’d like to be anonymous please! Thank you Unka Glen! <3

Unka Glen answered: I see what you mean. Sticking to the right view of our identity is so tough. On one hand, there’s always this social pressure to act a little straighter than what we really are, and on the other hand, if I’m actually pulling off my “perfect” act, I ought to be able to avoid a negative title like “sinner”.

The right way of looking at this is: you should develop your sense of identity as a Christian from who you are, never from what you do (or don’t do, as the case may be). Who you are is God’s adopted child. His beloved. The one for whom He sent His Son as a sacrifice, so you could be together in Paradise for all eternity.

If you try to get your sense of identity from the sins you don’t commit, you’re playing a losing game. No matter how good you act, you’ll still never be perfect. Meanwhile, you lose sight of all the right things you should be doing, while focusing on the wrong things others tell you that you need to not be doing. 

You are an imperfect human, and sin is in your nature. This is an undeniable truth. It’s also an undeniable truth that God is at work within you, and this indwelling of the Holy Spirit is transforming you. This transformation process is internal, it is slow, and it is FAR from complete, but the power of transformation at work within you is truly undeniable.

You can (and should) be humble about the sin in your life. It’s been paid for, so not much else matters, besides letting that transformation process do its work. But Christian culture tells you to do something else. Christian culture says that when you sin in a way that others can see, it’s like saying that you don’t really care about fixing that sin. 

But if you buy into this no-win game, not only will you make yourself miserable, you won’t please the legalistic people (they’re really only happy when they’re pointing out sin in others), and worse, you will fail to fulfill your purpose in Christ. Indeed, what is to be your testimony to the world, that you’re a basically sinless person with very little need of the power of Christ in your life?

Pride, and pretending to be straighter than we are, is pure weakness. Sure, it’s fine to put your best foot forward, but in the end, the real strength of our witness is in humility. I was recently asked to preach in a local church, and I opened with this: “I don’t know anything about acting churchy, so if you’re hoping to hear about that, I’m sorry. However, I do know all about being a sinner and working that long, hard climb back to something righteous. Would you like to hear about that?” 

The roar of approval that came back to me told me how tired people are of acting perfect in church. Somebody has to lead the way in keeping it real, maybe that someone is you. We must be authentic to be an influence in the world. Meanwhile there is no use or value in pretending to be perfect to each other.