Unka Glen

catholedigger asked: Hey Unka Glen! I’ve been struggling a little bit with the topic of romantic love. What’s the difference between loving someone like I should love any other person, and liking someone romantically in addition to loving them? Besides physical attraction, I can think of no differences. [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well yeah, you’re right, we’re meant to love everyone, and to love them with God’s love (what the Bible calls “agape”, that is, love that is given to us from God), and so we should have that same kind of love (and more) for the person we’re dating and eventually marrying. And yes physical attraction is part of that picture.

But here are a few important additional elements besides the agape and the hotness:

Romance. Sure, all that heart-pounding and butterflies in the stomach gives way to something more familiar over time, but still, there needs to be that sense of always making a special gesture. It’s about looking for ways to surprise that other person with something that makes them feel special. 

Respect. You can have agape love for someone who is living a life that’s not worthy of respect. But if you lose respect for the person you’re with romantically, then that relationship is basically dead, whether or not it’s had the good manners to lay down and be buried.

If you think about it, respect eliminates a whole class of ugly behaviors. Let’s say a girlfriend is insecure, and she acts jealous around her boyfriend. This is actually disrespectful to the boyfriend. It’s accusing him of very ugly behavior, not based on what he’s done, but based on her insecurity. If you respect someone, you certainly see that they deserve better than to be a pawn in the drama playing out in your head.

Understanding. If you respect me, and understand me, you’ll be able to look at a lot of ugly behavior without judging me. That doesn’t make wrong stuff acceptable in any way, but it can help people to change. More than once I’ve been ranting to my wife on the phone about something driving me crazy, and she’ll say “have you eaten anything today?”

She is so understanding, she can tell by the tone of my voice, that I’m cranky from not having eaten anything, and she knows that if I eat a sandwich, all of this will look much better. And she’s always right. Understanding brought healing, awareness of my wrong attitude, and kept my frustrations from being a conflict between us. Understanding is powerful!

Celebrating victories. As I get older, my relationships are more and more organized by those who celebrate my victories, and those who don’t. Your beloved’s victories should matter to you. Big time. When you do it right, everything is a team effort, and thus, it’s a team victory. 

Help with calling. Here’s where it gets good. A good partner can reflect back to us a side of ourselves that we might not have seen before. They can help us see our giftedness in a deeper way. They can help us find, refine, and dial in on that calling. 

More than that, you can reverse the roles when needed to make that go. If the wife is heading out to help with the youth at the church, that husband needs to take over doing the dishes and cleaning up. And behold there shall be foot rubs upon her return. If the husband is going out to help build houses for the homeless, maybe he comes home to find the game was recorded for him, and there’s a cold drink next to his recliner. 

Life is good when you’re good to each other.

follow me on Twitter: @GlenFitzjerrell

sonofiver asked: There are pastors and Christians who say there is only ONE way to date, making up rules and regulations, about time spent together, and physical intimacy, and what not. If you had 5 minutes with one of these people, what would you say to him/her?

Unka Glen answered: Oh, they’d basically agree with me. You have to remember, that many of these fad Christian dating books were actually written a few years ago, and the authors have had a chance to see the fruit of their work. And it’s not pretty.

They’ve had plenty of feedback from ministry professionals who do regular marriage counseling, and those professionals have explained how these books have made a mess of things, to put it mildly.

It’s created people who are scared to death, just to go out on a date. Far from helping people have healthy and Godly relationships, in large numbers, it’s driven them to simply have no relationships at all. Fewer and fewer married couples know anything about how to be an actual couple. 

Trust me when I tell you that the authors of these books have heard this feedback in numbers far too big for them to ignore. They agree with the results, simply because they can’t be denied any longer. So why isn’t the larger Christian culture aware of all this?

That’s where things get complicated.

Many of these authors have tried to, well, kinda sorta distance themselves from their own books. Others have suggested that their work was taken out of context (it wasn’t), and made into something ugly and legalistic (it was already legalistic), and that people have made a mess of it (it was already a mess).

To you, these might sound like lame excuses, and that’s in fact what they are. The real answer to your question is: money. You see, when an author writes a book and makes a deal with the publisher, the publisher OWNS that book. 

An author can publicly denounce their book, but if they do something to prevent a publisher from making money on the book that was sold to them, then that publisher can sue that author. 

That might still sound like a lame excuse for a generation of people who are not only stuck with all this toxic nonsense in their heads, but that these books are still available, and are still making money, and they’re making money off of the very people they’re messing up. It is lame, and it is wrong.

I know divorced people who would still be married today, if they’d never read any of these books. And it breaks my heart to see them suffer.

But in a way, what you and I are doing here is the solution to that whole mess. I’m not getting paid to tell you what I’m telling you, nobody owns or controls this conversation. You and I are free to compare notes, to share what we’re seeing out there, and to make sense of it all together. 

This technology is allowing YOU to help shape the church of the future. And I think the future is in good hands.

Anonymous asked: If someone had had some kind of sexual trauma in their past, even if it wasn’t as severe as rape, and they now suffer panic attacks in any kind of physically intimate setting, or sometimes even the mention of any kind of physical intimacy, how does someone ever get past that? How do they handle it so that it’s not so severe that they doubt the wisdom of even being married someday? And if it isn’t, can’t be, or hasn’t been helped, is it fair to marry someone anyway?

Unka Glen answered: Well darlin’ what you have here is a full-on sexual dysfunction. One that requires professional help. And I’m talking about someone with a degree that relates to sexual psychology. And yes, people find healing on this stuff every day. Nothing is too hard for God.

In fact, I’ll give you a preview of what you’ll be working on in counseling: sexual assault is not about sex, it’s about power. And in relationships that are healthy, in the broadest possible sense, you have total control over what happens to your body. So healthy consensual sex doesn’t actually relate to the trauma you went through in a direct way.

Like many psychological problems, it’s about our brains drawing connections that really don’t exist. 

Is it fair to marry someone with this level of dysfunction? Not even close, no. Within marriage you are meant to want sex, have lots of sex, and enjoy the heck out of the sex you’re having. In fact, let’s look at the goal that you’re shooting for when it comes to the purpose of married sex:

Sex is meant to build intimacy, and devotion to one another, as you explore each other’s bodies, learning what feels good to your partner, and then devoting yourself to their pleasure. You build vulnerability as you tell your partner what you like, and ask for it. Healthy marital sex makes you feel sexy and desirable and confident because of the affections of your partner.

Sex provides a natural release from stress. When I went from my usual work day of spending all day behind bars in a tense and dangerous environment, to my wife stopping me on my way out the door and us sharing a very generous marital moment, well, believe me, my ability to do quality ministry went to a whole new level. That’s teamwork right there.

Christian married people sex is supposed to be frequent, fun, and fresh. If it isn’t, it’s time to get counseling. Too often Christians think of sex as something that goes from bad (before marriage) to permissible (after marriage). But in truth, it goes from “good, but not the right time” to “an essential ingredient”. 

You’re supposed to want that sexual future, and be excited about it, and look forward to it. If you don’t, right now is a good time to start working and praying on that. 

Anonymous asked: Hey Unka Glen. It seems like every time I read about lust, it’s equated to any type of sexual desire that person has. It’s almost as if, as a single person, I can’t even feel horny without people saying that it’s lust. I know that I have to pray against it, but at the same time, I don’t want to get into the habit of automatically repressing any sexual desires. If I do, I’ll have trouble feeling sexual with my husband. Can you help?

Unka Glen answered: Now here is a smart question! You’ve just put your finger on a huge problem that young Christians are dealing with today. Young people are being told that repressing sexuality, and dating in general, will somehow automatically create the most awesome marriage possible! But if you think of sex as bad and dirty and something to be afraid of, then you’ll find it VERY difficult to one day see it as not only good, but an essential part of a healthy married relationship. 

God made sex to be beautiful, and special, and to feel good. He made it to be fun, and wild, and adventurous. He made it to build intimacy and vulnerability and devotion to one another. As Christians we control and sometimes limit ourselves sexually to make the most of our sex lives. 

All that is true. Here is another truth. Kids have sex. A lot. They have sex before they’re emotionally ready for it. They have sex before the relationship is there to support that level of intimacy. And worse, they’re all too often taking on the responsibility of raising a child when they can’t be responsible enough to use a condom.

Speaking on behalf of the adult world. We’d all like that to stop. We want you to recognize that sex is not a toy to play with, it doesn’t make you adult, it doesn’t work as glue to hold relationships together, and we really want you to wait on having kids until there’s a solid foundation to support that child. 

Unfortunately, this desire to stop all the unhealthy sex, and the pregnancies, has simply flipped some people out. They’re prepared to just straight up mess with your head to keep you off of one another. They’ll invent psychological conditions that don’t exist (soul ties) they’ll twist verses around (about guarding your heart), and they’ll call all sexual desires lust. Anything to stop the madness.

But this is a disrespectful way to treat people. 

I’m not agreeing with all this manipulation, because I respect you enough to believe that if I lay it all out well enough, and ask you to pray about it, that you are mature enough, and wise enough to make the right decision. 

So, at the end of the day, what is lust, really? The Biblical idea of lust (in Greek it’s epithumeo) is a desire that’s out of control. That is to say, Biblically speaking, you can lust over more than just sex. 

So it’s really quite simple, having sexual thoughts, sexual desires, and sexual feelings are not bad, but when that desire starts to consume you, THEN you have something you need to pray against. And yes, it’s worth noting that it can sometimes be an extremely short trip from desire to being overwhelmed.

Sexual stuff is an awesome part of life, but you don’t want to let it take the steering wheel.

Anonymous asked: So I’m dating this amazing, wonderful Christian guy, who stays off porn and we’ve set our boundaries and all of that. My question is, how can I overcome jealousy? I trust him 100% but it bothers me a lot that because of the world we live in, seeing girls in their underwear or bikinis or even nude is so common (especially at the movies) and I feel like my body, especially since I will never look like that, won’t be special or pleasing to him. Advice for overcoming this?

Unka Glen answered: Your man picked you. That should have been the final word on the subject of jealousy. And jealousy, as you may sense, comes from insecurity. And trust me when I say, when insecurity goes unchecked, you’ll find it to be pure poison to relationships. 

God does things between your body and his eyes. Magical things. Wonderful things. Miraculous things. Don’t question that, or over-think it, just thank God, and learn to rely on His help. Mmkay?

I get the sense that women tend to do a lot of analyzing. When another woman walks in the room, we’re making a mental list. She has: cooler clothes, bigger boobs, better purse, nicer hair… and so on. I get the sense that this information is gathered in almost an automatic way, and that it comes flooding in before we even decide what we think of the information. 

When you look at it that way, it’s hard NOT to be insecure. If you don’t like your body, you can look around all day, and a message is being broadcast to your brain: all these girls are better looking! But let me ask you this: so what? Do you need to have that body to get your guy? Nope. You got your guy with your body. Case closed. 

All this analysis seems to point in a certain direction: the more hot chicks there are for my man to see, the less chance I have of turning him on, and keeping him. Sounds dumb when I say it out loud, huh? You’ve got moves those gals never had to develop. All of which leads us to a few important facts we need to remember.

Fact #1 You don’t need to be jealous where there is no competition. Sure, your guy might think an actress is attractive, but he’s aware that a) he doesn’t have a shot with her, and b) she’s probably a bit of a weirdo anyway. Treat your man better than he has any right to expect, and if he’s tempted AT ALL, kick his crusty butt to the curb, and tell him a better looking guy is about to come along and be amazed at his stupidity.

Fact #2 It’s a total myth that all guys have one idea of beauty. Some guys are athletic, and they want a gal who is slim and trim so they can be athletic together. Other guys love curves and jiggles, and other guys, well, they just like big girls, period. As we say in Texas, “there’s a lid for every pot”. When you find that right fit, that’s that. Most of us guys look at fashion models and don’t get the appeal (it’s almost as if a lot of the men in the fashion world are gay…). 

Fact #3 (And I’m really giving you the secret sauce here) You know how, in the movies, women always play it cool, and guys are intrigued by that? Real life works the exact opposite way. A confident woman who shows her affections to a man becomes about a thousand times better looking to that man. “But I don’t wanna look desperate!” is the response of insecure women who are, in fact, almost always desperate. 

Fact #4 You don’t need to be nekkid to be sexy. When a woman smiles at a man in a certain way… wow. that’s something all the porn stars and lingerie models in the world can’t compete with. When she whispers something flirty in a guy’s ear. Mmm. All those images on computer screens can’t compete with a real flesh and blood woman, one who knows how to love deeper, because she is loved by God in the deepest way possible.

None of those other ladies can compete with you.

You’ll have to convince people, sooner or later. Yes, when you’re a student, your life is all about getting the right answer. And if you get the right answer, they HAVE to give you that grade. So you might be thinking that life is like that, I work and they have to pay me, eventually they have to give me bonuses, and promote me. But life doesn’t work that way.

The biggest struggle that young pastors have is facing the shock of leaving an academic environment, where it’s all about properly defending your point of view, and entering a world there they essentially need to convince people for a living. And more than a few pastors resist this transition, and try to live in a world where we as a congregation will accept whatever they preach, as long as they give us an adequate “proof”.

But the world just doesn’t make decisions that way. Make no mistake, people make decisions according to their deeply irrational heart, way more than according to their head, no matter what they tell you.

If you want a job, you’ll be convincing them to hire you, if you want to sell something on that job, you’ll need to convince people to buy it, and even if you do everything right, it’s not certain, at all, that you’ll succeed. 

But we don’t like hearing all that. I guess nobody wants to be vulnerable to failure, especially when it’s beyond our control. When you ask someone to make a decision, based on something you’ve suggested, then you’re facing some possible rejection, and who wants to live in that world?

But all that is irrelevant to you and I, because we are Christians, and Christians are meant to be world-changers. By the way we live, and work, and love one another, we help convince people to throw off the shackles of slavery to this world, and discover a love beyond measure, beyond all things physical.

If you want to date someone, you’ll need to do some convincing. After all, you’re asking them to invest their whole life in you. It’s all fine and good to think that you can just be a good person, and sit on a park bench, and that someone will come along and do all the romancing for you, but it ain’t gonna go down like that.

You will be a witness, you will play an active role in your love life, and you will not live your whole life like a big fat chicken. You have no reason to fear human rejection, you are already accepted, by God, in every possible important way. Yes some fool will turn you down when you ask them out, some boss won’t see what they have in front of them and fail to hire you.

But you’ll never be tempted to try and live in that small sad world, where you hide from trying to convince people of things, because you’ll always be witnessing. And you’ll be doing it with a total patience that says, “if I don’t convince you today, I’m gonna convince you next week, or next year. But I’m not going anywhere.”

kidcallipygian asked: SUP UNKS! I’m a Christian woman, living my 20-year-old life, and I recently realized that when I meet a Christian guy, I first see them as “potential boyfriend/husband material”. It’s only after I get to know them, that I truly see them as brothers in Christ. I feel this is really bad for me, and I want to change this way of thinking, because it promotes NOT guarding your heart. How do I change?

Unka Glen answered: Ah the guarding your heart thing… Quick update: people in Biblical times thought you did your thinking with your heart, not your brain, and that did your feeling with your stomach (like how you get butterflies in your stomach when you see a hot guy).

The Hebrew word used in Proverbs 4:23, is translated 36 times elsewhere in the Bible as “mind”. As in, guard your mind. And what are we supposed to be guarding our minds from in Proverbs 4? A lack of Godly wisdom. Like the kind of situation where someone misuses a verse that has nothing to do with our romantic lives.

You don’t need to protect your heart from love. 

The other problem here is simple. You SEE a guy, and take in all sorts of information about how he looks, long before you get a chance to find out how he really is inside. You can’t look at a guy from across a crowded room and say, “Mmm girl, he looks like he’s totally saved and sanctified! MMM yeah, work it.” 

I mean you could say that, but it would be super creepy.

What happens is that you see a hot guy and you quickly pray the age old single woman’s prayer: “Please Lord let him be saved, please, please, please, no girlfriend, no girlfriend, no girlfriend.” Does it seem like the priorities are backward here? Yeah. But that’s just the order information arrives in. It’s easy enough to correct those priorities afterwards.

As I mentioned on a recent episode of our podcast, you may have often heard someone give their testimony about how they were drawn to a person spiritually, and then got to know them a emotionally, and then just happened to notice some time later, “hey, guess what, this person is actually super-hot!” Yeah right.

That’s stretching the truth way past the breaking point. That’s just not how life works with us humans. When I saw my wife for the first time I said, “Lord, I’d rather watch this woman walk, than eat fried chicken” (a statement I’d still go by). What I (fortunately) discovered afterwards, was an awesome woman of God. 

When we were dating we kept our priorities where they needed to be, for sure. But we also knew that physical attraction and romance and agape love can easily go hand in hand. We didn’t need to worry about one spoiling the others.

saf-safx asked: Hi Unka Glen, I am struggling with the fear of talking to the guy I’m attracted to, and so I only talk to guy friends I’m NOT attracted to, so it looks like I don’t like the guys I do like. This could be due to the fact that I’ve read a lot of ”Do’s and dont’s” articles about Christian dating, and how a woman should never initiate and that you should wait for the guy, the articles in themselves were not bad, but I seem to have taken it to the extreme. The fear of making my feelings obvious and looking desperate stops me from talking to him. [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Back up a step there. You say these articles aren’t bad? Really? Are you sure? I mean, for the record, you’re paralyzed by fear, and you are completely lost and clueless on how, when, or if you should do something about this relationship, or what that something might look like, and what this guy might think of the whole thing. You’re worse off in every way as a result of reading these articles.

When it comes to how you view the dating process, the plane has crashed into the mountain.

And these articles you’ve been reading aren’t bad you say? Hmm. Let’s see, a woman should never initiate, right? Well, if you read Ruth chapter 3, and if you can follow some of the figures of speech, you’ll see Naomi and Ruth performing that age-old practice of Godly women: plotting together to get an man (Boaz) to marry a woman (Ruth). And Ruth most certainly initiated that, and (spoiler alert) Boaz married her. 

Ah well, you’re right in one sense, you started off feeling like a big ol’ chicken, and these articles took advantage of your fears, and manipulated you into doing nothing about your dating life. You knew this was not dating advice designed to give you the best and highest quality dating life, it was advice designed to keep you from dating altogether.

Right now would be a good time to recognize that Christians can, and will, give advice that is simply wrong, dumb, damaging, and even totally unbiblical. Therefore you need to use Godly wisdom and discernment on everything you read, including Christian stuff. You’re in a bad place because you heard bad advice. Period.

Of course, to be fair, the secular messages for women and dating these days are just as bad. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a romantic comedy where the woman falls head over heels in love, and spends the whole movie making romantic gestures trying to get a man to fall for her? Let me know, I’d love to see that movie for a change.

I’m gonna tweak out many a Potterhead out there (and bless your hearts, you know I love ya), but I watched that Hermione walk around with a sour look on her face, and a stick up her butt for a half dozen movies, and somehow this ginger-haired dude is dying to get with that? Maybe in the movies, but in the real world, if you want a man, YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Okay you’re shy. That’s not a crime, but living your whole life that way might be. You know what’s worse than telling him how you feel, and getting rejected? Watching him date one of your friends, breaking your heart, and knowing that this could have been you, and knowing that you don’t deserve to have romance in your life, because in the moment you weren’t willing to be romantic.

Romantics know that they’ll get their hearts broken, and they embrace that. It’s worth it to have a chance at a beautiful romance, for however long it may last. A real woman of God doesn’t fear rejection. She is loved, so she loves boldly, and she knows that if this man doesn’t have the sense to know what he’s getting, the next one will, and he’ll probably be better looking too!

azurechanel asked: I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man of God; we’re crazy about each other! I’m 22, and he’s my only boyfriend ever. Since I’m new to dating/relationships, I get kinda scared something’s gonna go wrong and break us up. Because I waited for this so long, until it was right, I don’t want mine to end. Any thoughts on dealing with the fear? I know it’s not from God, but it can be hard to shake. Thanks!

Unka Glen answered: The first part of dealing with fear is to understand that fear has a way of making what you fear come true. In this case, by fearing the end of the relationship, you’ll end up holding on too tightly, smothering him, getting jealous of everyone around him, and generally making his life miserable. Next thing you know, things are ending, just the way you feared they would.

The other problem here is coveting. Coveting is about craving something to the point of distraction and dysfunction. People think coveting is about craving the things you don’t have. But coveting also applies to craving things you do have as well. That sounds strange, but that’s how people are.

Rich people hold on to money in a way poor people, with real money problems, never will. Attractive people worry over their looks. Celebrities worry over their fame. People covet their own success, and will often do anything to keep it going, even to the point of losing all happiness.

The solution is simple: give this relationship to God. Sacrifice it to Him. It’s no longer yours to cling to, it’s His. You take your hand off the steering wheel. The good news is, everything will be better as a result of this new perspective. Here’s a prayer for that:

Dear Lord, 

I love having this relationship, I love how it makes me feel, and I love the feeling of being in love. But I love YOU way more. You are my first love, my great passion, my all in all. This dating relationship needs to serve the relationship I have with you. So I’m putting this dating relationship on the altar. I’m sacrificing it to you. If you want it to end, it will end. As much as that would hurt, I know you’d have your reasons, and I trust you more than I trust myself. If you want this relationship to move forward, I want to know where it needs to go, and what it needs to do. I’m your servant Lord, and this dating relationship will be made to serve you as well. 

Amen

Anonymous asked: Hi Unka Glen! Thank you for keeping it real in discipling us and helping the virtual flock navigate the Lord’s word; you are a pretty rad shepherd. I have been living a life away from God for a few years and have recently come back to Him. While it’s a slow process rebuilding a relationship with the Lord, I recognize the importance of a strong foundation in Him. How will I know when I am at the point where I am ready to begin a God-approved relationship?

Unka Glen answered: Thanks, I feel like a pretty rad shepherd :)  …Anyway you’re on the right track here, Being ready to start dating in a Christian context is about having a strong foundation in Christ. Sure, if you have any obvious dysfunction, addiction, or major insecurity, then you’ll want to deal with that, as you would in any other relationship.

The main thing is arriving at a sense of completeness. You are complete in God. You need nothing and no one else. In God “we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). You have been united with Christ, you are one with Him. he supplies your needs. You are complete.

You were searching your whole life for something to make you feel whole, and everything else fell painfully short. Human beings, imperfect as they are, could never fulfill you in this way. God created you with a purpose in mind, and as you fulfill that purpose, you find a meaning not possible in any other relationship.

Once you reach this state, you don’t need someone to be the “wind beneath your wings”, you don’t need them to “complete you”, you are already complete, and in fact, you don’t need this dating relationship at all. And that’s when the person you’re with realizes that this isn’t about need, it’s about want.

It’s about desire and passion and love, not co-dependency, or using each other to meet a need. When you know you are complete in Christ and your life is built around Him, you don’t have to be afraid of loving someone else, and being vulnerable to them, because they can’t shake you to the core. They’ll never be the relationship your life is built around. 

When you know you are complete in Christ, romantic relationships become the icing on the cake. They’re something above and beyond.