Unka Glen

Anonymous asked: What’s your take on premarital sex?

Unka Glen answered: It’s not as good as post-marital sex.

The truth is, I had a number of “wild years” in my life, and had more backslides than I care to count. And I lost my virginity in high school, long before I got married. Did it feel good? Yes, like they say about pizza— good pizza is amazing, bad pizza is still pretty good. Did it ruin the relationship I had with my wife when we met and decided to get married? No.

But I said what every premarital person says on losing their virginity… it’s a subtle combination of “that was something”, and “is that it?”. I thought it would be amazing, and spectacular, and earth shattering, but it was kind of a fumbling and clueless moment that we hadn’t talked through, and that we weren’t really ready for. It wasn’t magical or amazing.

It felt a lot like we had dessert before dinner.

Soon after, the relationship ended, and I sought the forgiveness I knew I needed, and got things back in track. In truth, it was a LONG journey from that moment to figuring out how to be a Godly man in a relationship, and I spent some years living entirely on my own working that out.

But in the end, once I got myself on track, and met my wife, the experience on my wedding day was TOTALLY different. We had spent much of our engagement talking about our likes and dislikes, stuff we wanted to try, all our wild fantasies. And that wedding night was something.

But that was only the tip of the iceberg. You see, everyone has their own ideas about sex, and what it’s for, but for the two of us, looking at it as believers, we discovered that sex could be a way for us to find a deeper intimacy. It became a beautiful way for the two of us to literally become one flesh. It became a way to bring excitement, and thrill, and sweet pleasure into our lives. It was a way of taking things from good to great. But if you don’t have the good marriage to start with, well, then it’s all icing and no cupcake.

Married sex, at least within the context of Christian marriage, should be a celebration of the chance to give another person a deep and abiding pleasure, a way of celebrating the body of your partner, and a celebration of giving a deep, beautiful emotional release. It’s about loving another enough to map out their every secret pleasure spot, learning their every turn-on, and spoiling them rotten with pleasure.

Sex, in the context of Christian marriage, becomes another way to serve one another. And trust me, if you do it right, it’s truly worth the wait.

Anonymous asked: Hello, Unka Glen. Basically, I’ve been dating this guy for nearly half a year now, and things are going really well…kindof. My current boyfriend is such a wonderful man. He’s smart, and funny, and he loves God. He’s my best friend and I love him dearly. But..the problem is we have gone farther than I ever intended to go, and deeply regret it. (Note: we have not gone “all the way”) It seems that both of us struggle with lust and we need help and accountability. I don’t want to give up on the relationship, but I will if it’s the right thing to do. I guess I’m just looking for some wise, un-biased advice. Thanks for your help. 

Unka Glen answered: Well, to me, it sounds like we have something worth saving here, and for sure all the struggles with lust are normal and to be expected. So let’s start by assessing the nature of this problem. You say there’s a problem with lust and self-control here, but I think the problem might be faith and wisdom (which are much easier problems to fix).

Paul said, in Romans 14, “Everything that does not come from faith is sin.” He’s saying that you’re meant to go to God, and ask what to do, and then do that thing, having faith in God that this thing is the right thing. When you do that, you’re walking in righteousness. Everything else is sin.

This quote comes in a chapter where Paul is talking about meat that had been sacrificed to idols. Some Christians thought it might be a sin to eat meat that was part of a religious ceremony honoring a false god. But Paul tries to explain that this isn’t the kind of thing that the Lord cares a whole lot about, and that they need to pray and see that for themselves, BUT…

If they don’t seek God’s wisdom on this, then they can’t be certain that this particular action is right or wrong. Thus they live in doubt, and “Whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat [the meat sacrificed to idols], because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.” The sin in your case isn’t that you violated your own boundaries, it’s that you set your own boundaries.

By not asking God where that line should be, you both were heading off on your own, away from God’s wisdom and guidance. And here’s the wild part, maybe God will tell you the stuff you’re doing now is okay, and here you are beating yourself up, because of rules you made up in your head. And here’s another thing, it’s very easy to cross a line you set up, but crossing that same line, when you know that God has set it, well, that’s something else.

You mentioned accountability, and if I could hold up a mirror to your generation, I would tell you the lack of accountability comes from a lack of certainty. There’s a lot of hand wringing, and self-doubt, and uncertainty, and “who’s to say?” in your generation, and by contrast, there’s a discomfort with someone who is convinced about things. 

But if you actually work through those doubts, you reach a point of certainty. And when know for sure what you must do, there’s no escaping the choice. As long as you wallow in intellectual uncertainty or religious supserstition, you’re free to not act, because, after all, “who’s to say what I should do?” 

But in this same chapter, Paul says “I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.”

In essence Paul is saying that we’re taking things that aren’t sins (or may not be sins), and turning them into sins because we don’t seek the wisdom from God to know where the path is, and thus we aren’t walking in that wisdom by faith. In your case, the solution is very simple, shut down the physical side of things until both of you are sure you’ve heard from the Lord on it.

In fact, if you haven’t already, I’d go back to the beginning and ask if it was God’s will for you to get together in the first place, and then ask for all kinds of good wisdom on stuff. Do we need to spend more time on studying the Word together? Should our prayer life be different as a couple? How can we best exhort one another to hold to the faith? Each answer will give you more peace than you can imagine, and excitement, knowing that you’re on the path.

Then ask about the physical side of things, and make sure you know where GOD is setting that boundary. And keep checking for wisdom on that, in case the Lord wants to change where that line is. This is stuff you both can do, and knowing where those lines are, will give you the freedom to fully enjoy everything on the right side of that line. Trust me, you’re both gonna do great at this.

Anonymous asked: My best friend is this girl that I’ve grown up with. We’re both strong Christians, and we go to the same church. In the summer of last year we told each other we had feelings for each other. We read the Word together, prayed, watched sermons, talked about them, pretty much everything you can do for two young Christians dating. She recently went away on a sports competition, and came back crying to me. She told me that she had kissed someone else. I feel like I’m the one who loved the hardest and got hurt the worst. She’s my best friend, so how do I deal with my heart? Do I wait on her? Do I move on? What could I have done better? Thanks for being so freakin’ awesome!! [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: God bless you my brother, what a heartbreak you must be going through. I’m praying for you, and I’ve got your back regardless of what you decide. But let’s break this down and see what we’re looking at. 

First, I think you’re right to feel hurt and angry, and I think you have every reason to feel like this is a betrayal strong enough to end a relationship. Second, I don’t see anything that you did wrong here, and in fact I see a lot of things you both did right. But in the end, it’s not like baking a cake, sometimes you put in all the right ingredients, and it still doesn’t work. Especially if one of you decides to be on a different page.

But there is one other thing to consider here, and that’s the fact that she came to you and confessed, when she could have tried to hide it. Now, if she’s saying something along the lines of, “I’m confused, and I don’t know what I want”, then it’s time to end things. You deserve to be with someone who will not cheat on you AND is certain that they want to be with you (and much more as well, by the way).

But, if she’s saying something along the lines of “this was a huge mistake, I feel certain it will never happen again, and I’m terribly sorry”, then you may have something to consider. First, I think that’s going to be about talking this thing out in detail. How did this happen? How can you be sure it won’t happen again? What are you going to do to ensure it doesn’t happen again? And so on.

As a believer, you have a responsibility to forgive. Hard and unfair as it is to forgive her, you should work your way through that, because you deserve to have the peace you’ll find on the other side. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” 

So forgive her and love her as you always have. You’re no fool to love even those who may not love you back. Don’t let this experience make you hard or cynical. You’re a lover, and lovers love, period. BUT it’s up to her to close the gap that she created. Trust must be earned, and I think you need to hear some strong words from her about rebuilding that trust, if there’s a hope of rebuilding this relationship. The worst mistake you could make is to ignore this without resolving it.  

Either way, I’ve got your back, and I’m praying for you my brother.

Anonymous asked: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years and we are both Christians. One thing that breaks my heart is that he doesn’t seem to understand grace, that Jesus died for our sins and that we no longer have to be afraid of God’s punishment. He doesn’t seem to have a relationship with Jesus in the way that I do. He goes to church every week and prays as well, but I don’t think he sees God as a good God. I believe this is due to what his church teaches, I don’t think they’re teaching the wrong thing but maybe their focus is too much on what WE must do, instead of what Jesus has already done for us. I can’t ask him to leave his church because his parents go to that church, and he’s been going there ever since he was young, and he doesn’t seem receptive to what I’ve been trying to tell him. Does this fall into the “do not yoke yourself with unbelievers” category? Because I really love him and I just really hope that things will change. What can I do? I really want to help him and breaking up with him doesn’t seem to solve the problem. Despite what I’ve just talked about, he still loves me, respects me & cares for me in a way that no other person has ever treated me. Thanks so much Unka Glen. [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well darlin’, I have to say, reading this question just broke my heart. What a tough situation. I think it’s nice of you to give the church a break on their teaching, and it’s nice for him to go to his family’s church, but of course none of that matters if he’s being led down the wrong path, right?. You CAN ask him to leave that church (if need be), because we don’t put sentiment and human obligations above our obligation to our maker. 

The first thing I’d look at, would be to talk to the pastor at your boyfriend’s church and see if he’s part of the problem or not. You can even call the pastor anonymously and tell him your situation: “I have a boyfriend who goes to your church, and he does not have a basic understanding of being saved by grace, and I need you to sit down with the two of us, and make sure he knows that he is saved by grace alone, and not by any good works, and that he is totally saved, and should have no fear of punishment.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

If the pastor hesitates to help you, then you know that he’s part of the problem, if he’s open to helping, then maybe you’ve solved this thing in one stroke. If that doesn’t work, perhaps there’s someone outside his church that he respects, maybe a campus ministry leader, or maybe even someone from your church. One way or the other, it’s going to come down to a choice he has to make. 

The truth is right there in scripture to be read over and over, indeed none of the New Testament makes sense without grace. And the truth is appealing, as in, what is it about eternal life, in paradise, as a free gift, that you don’t like? But the lies are appealing in their own odd way. There’s something that feels so right about saying that God is always mad at us, and we have to do what we can to keep Him from squashing us, (oh, the drama) and we have to look down on ourselves, and punish ourselves, to keep God from having to bother with punishing us. 

Sure, none of those lies make any sense if you just sit and think hard about it for awhile, but these lies FEEL true, and that’s the dilemma that your boyfriend needs to face. Your question is a smart and brave one— what if he doesn’t come around to believing in grace? Are you unequally yoked? The answer is yes, yes you are. However, I think his love and his care and concern for you should be taken into account. I think he has more than earned some extra time and consideration. I think it’s right for you to be patient with him on this thing, and give him plenty of time.

All of us who are reading your story will keep you and your boyfriend in prayer. 

ashpashbash asked: Hey Unka Glen! :) So I’ve forgiven my ex, and we kinda sorta decided to be friends (I guess :/) but I feel like I’m still hurting as much as I did a month ago (it’s been 2 months). Honestly, I feel like a fool because I haven’t moved on yet, but I’ve prayed, I’ve encouraged myself with scripture, but I feel the same: broken, hurt and rejected. What else can I do to move on? I really want to move on, and prepare for the man God has for me.

Unka Glen answered: You’re no fool. Passionate, loving people like yourself can’t just flip a switch and turn off their feelings. It’s normal and expected to have a time of mourning and pain on this stuff. As part of that process, I think you should seriously question how this breakup makes you feel about yourself. Relationships are a two-person dynamic. Rarely is only one person totally to blame. That means that relationship failure is a group failure.

Also, it’s worth looking at how this breakup has shaken you in ways it shouldn’t. Yes, you should feel sad, hurt, and grieved in certain ways, but broken, rejected and foolish is another thing. It’s worth asking yourself: in what ways you were asking this guy to fill spaces in your life that only God can fill? God is your solid rock, nobody else should be giving you a stronger sense of who you are.

But moving forward, I see a lot of corny stuff on Tumblr about “letters to my future husband”, etc., and you know what? Sometimes corny gets the job done. You mention wanting to prepare yourself for your future husband (which is awesome by the way). and I think starting a journal or just writing out letters to your future man can help. 

Begin to imagine the possibilities for this relationship, begin to set your sights for how good it can be, develop your romantic side, and set up an accountability to a relationship even before it exists. Think big. View your past as a good lesson in what was simply not good enough. Imagine how amazing it can be, and then remember that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than all we can ask, or even imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

Anonymous asked: Okay, so I have this awesome boyfriend and he loves God and treats me great. But, he lives literally on the other side of the nation. We work really hard at talking things out and being respectful and loving towards one another. As I said, we live way far apart and it has made it harder lately. We both want our relationship to grow and move forward but it is almost impossible to take big steps with the distance. Any advice?

Unka Glen answered: Indeed I do, let me give you one big thing to avoid, and one big thing to head toward. 

I’ll tell you the phrase that I think kills the most long distance relationships: “I miss you”. If you fill a lot of your conversations with “I wish you were here”, and “things would be different if we could be together”, you’re basically putting a negative spin on the entire setup, and blaming all your relational shortcomings on the distance. And since you can’t do anything about the distance, you’ve just made all your problems unsolvable. 

In end, it’s easy enough to say, “it’s awesome to hear your voice” as opposed to “I missed you today”. Too often people just get obsessed with the distance. And all that spirals down into jealousy, insecurity, petty drama, and 3 hour conversations about “what did you mean by that?”. The distance is a challenge, beat it and make yourselves stronger, or whine about it and watch it slowly circle the drain.

So what’s the big thing we want to move toward? It’s this: give this relationship something to do. You can read a chapter of a book and then talk about the chapter and what you learned, and you can even write questions for the other person (“what did you think about this thing he said on this page?”). You can start a blog about long distance Christian relationships together, taking turns on posts. There are so many cool possibilities. 

Most dating relationships suffer from too little talk, and too much kissing and making cow eyes at each other. Understand, there’s nothing wrong with the occasional vigorous tonsil boxing session, but it can sometimes take up a lot of the time couples spend together, then you end up getting married, and there’s a lot of. “I never knew you felt this way about that”. 

But this is the benefit of the distance you have between you, that it forces you to focus on building a spiritual and emotional intimacy, with few other distractions. Make the most of this time, it’s not a curse, it’s a challenge. When the love is real, distance can’t effect it. Real love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Real love never fails.

myprayerintheharvest asked: I guess I get concerned about dating because I’ve never dated anyone or even had any boy like me! haha Am I overreacting? I’m about to graduate high school, and I don’t even know if I’m in the right place to have a relationship. The idea of being in a relationship kind of scares me. How do I know if I’m ready, if there was a potential relationship? [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well first of all, how do you know that no boys have liked you? Sometimes guys have feelings they don’t act on, or maybe they’re just getting over a rough breakup, and they aren’t ready to date. The ways of love are a mystery, I tell ya.

But when you say “the idea of being in a relationship kinda scares me”, it makes me wonder what you’ve been told about relationships. You know that this isn’t like operating a nuclear power plant, right? Mistakes get made, hearts get broken, lessons get learned, but it’s not quite on the scale of a thermonuclear meltdown. Your love life will almost certainly not wipe out a medium-sized Ukrainian town.

But you ask a good question: how do you know when you’re ready? If you’re emotionally ready, you’ve dealt with insecurity (which is simply poison to relationships), fear (especially fear of loneliness and desperation, these are terrible reasons to start a relationship), and horniness driven decision making (to be fair, horniness will always be there, but we just want to make sure it isn’t driving the bus).

If you’re spiritually ready, you’re ready to serve (someone is giving you their heart, and you’d better be ready to care for it), your needs are met in God (so you aren’t looking to this person to meet your needs) and you know how to put God first (thus He’s there to help guide the relationship).

But ultimately, asking if you’re ready to start a relationship is a bit like asking if you’re ready to start riding a bicycle. Little that has come before can prepare you. And yes, there will be scrapes, crashes, and eventually some wobbly progress. But there is a vast difference between being new to something, and being bad at it. Remember that.

If your mental and spiritual health are solid, and you have the courage, then by all means, you’re ready, but the real question is: where will you point this relationship bicycle? Where will it go? What will it do? What Godly purpose could it serve? Point this relationship towards giving glory to the Lord, and everything else will fall into place.

Anonymous asked: Thanks Uncle Glen for being so open all the time, it’s rare :)  Do you think it’s right to repress romantic feelings because of the high percentage of high school relationships that don’t last?

Unka Glen answered: In a word: no. It’s not okay to repress romantic feelings because of the odds. There’s only one way to be romantic: all the way. Vulnerability is essential. Heartbreak is inevitable. Thrills and chills and flushed cheeks and a pounding heart are all an exciting part of being young and discovering what kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Trust me, learning how to be smart about relationships is as important as learning anything else in life.

Now, should you be realistic? Sure. You can use your head at the same time as you use your heart. We tend to use only one at a time, but there’s nothing that prevents them from working together. In fact, this is the right place to get your spirit working in concert with both your heart and your mind. Your heart may want to take you galloping off into the wild unknown of a sketchy relationship, and your head may be telling you that you need to slow down and be careful, but God may reveal to you though your spirit that you’re looking for this relationship to fulfill things within you that only God can fulfill. 

So even in situations where your heart would lead you off in the wrong direction, by knowing your heart’s desire, and having a steady mind, and an in-tune spirit, you can learn a valuable truth about yourself. By repressing your heart, you learn nothing. And when you do eventually begin having more serious relationships, and you start a marriage, you’ll be entering an entire landscape that’s foreign to you.

Romantic relationships go wrong in adolescence when young people mistake drama for meaning. If your life has a certain amount of meaning, you’ll have little interest in any drama anywhere. If your life lacks meaning, and you’re using drama as a substitute, you’re not on a righteous or healthy path, and you aren’t ready to have adult relationships. Romantic relationships involve intense and overwhelming emotions, if you aren’t ready for that (for whatever reason, at whatever age), then it’s okay to sit on the sidelines awhile. 

Take your time, go slow, every phase of life has it’s own unique joys and challenges. Be mindful, and be prayerful, but love with your whole heart. Love as if this is the last person you’ll ever love, no matter what the odds say. Be bold, be creative, share verses, give little gifts that you made for each other, be corny, go on picnics, hold hands, volunteer for something together, meet each other’s grandparents, eat cupcakes, have a favorite song, study together, go for long walks, and at the end of the night, give a sweet little innocent kiss on the cheek. 

haleylou asked: Hello! First of all, wanted to say I love all your responses and your podcasts! Second, I have been struggling with my boyfriend. We are in a super committed relationship, but when we first started dating I wasn’t into super hard core Jesus lovin’ like I am now. I went from being a lukewarm child of God, to being a missionary on the streets. Anyway, he believes in God too and knows the truth about Christ, but he is just blah about it. I feel like I am the spiritual leader. Is that okay?

Unka Glen answered: In the short term, I don’t think it’s all that big a deal, but the larger reality is, you need leadership and mentoring now, more than you ever did before. You’ve had this amazing breakthrough in your walk, and in many ways, finding your calling is perhaps second only to receiving salvation itself, in terms of spiritually important events in your walk. I know you already feel different, you see yourself different, your priorities have changed, and when you read scripture it comes alive in ways it never has before. 

I suspect that if your boyfriend found his calling, or at least a place where he loves to serve in some way, that you’d be on a more equal footing. That is to say, I think the dfference between you might be more about your new perspective, than about spiritual maturity. BUT make no mistake, you will mature faster than you did before, because your new calling demands it of you. More output means you need more input.

You’re probably craving the Word in a way you never did before, and I’m sure you feel the need to be mentored and discipled in your missions work. That makes the fact that your boyfriend isn’t in the same place, a difficult difference to deal with. But if you love him, and he’s willing to move forward on this, then it’s worth doing what we can to get him in the same place. In the short run, there’s nothing wrong with you being the first one to step through the looking glass, as long as he’s soon to follow.

These differences between you will only get stronger, so in many respects there’s a window of opportunity that’s eventually closing, and he needs to get his narrow white butt through that window. He should be inspired and motivated by what he sees in you. From there, as he begins to find his purpose, and serve the Lord in some way (really any way is fine, once you’re in motion, it becomes much easier to make adjustments and find what God means for you to do), then you can move into a phase where you’re partners in exploring your new callings, then eventually he can begin to set the pace for growth.

As long as all that is moving forward, I think you’re fine. In the meantime, you know that urban missions is my thing, so consider me a resource in terms of getting mentoring help on that. Just make sure your man knows that the train is leaving the station, so it’s time to get on the train, get off the train, or get run over by the train… but this train is rollin’ on!