Unka Glen

all-my-m1stakes asked: After 18 years of fighting suicidal urges, after years of abuse, after fighting this Eating Disorder that has nearly taken my life more than once, I’m at a place where I don’t even have much of a relationship with God. You’d think that after all that I would find a way to snap out of my selfish, self-absorbed thinking, overcome this depression, these afflictions, and face what I needed to face in order to “get better.” I am getting more and more angry at not only myself, but at others. I find myself wanting to lash out. I know the promise that says God is with us through this life. I don’t know what to do with that promise. I don’t know how to make that be enough. Even though I know it should be, I still want to scream at God, accuse Him of asking too much of me, even though I know, logically, that such a thought, such an accusation is absolutely ridiculous.  How do I face those around me who have good intentions yet hurt me with their simple answers that they give, the ones that I’ve tried over and over, that make me want to yell at them, to hurt them? [edited for length…seriously]

Unka Glen answered: I gotcha on all this, you’re doing better than you know. Let’s take these one at a time. 

I don’t have much of a relationship with God. You’d think I would find a way to snap out of my selfish, self-absorbed thinking. Nope I wouldn’t think that. If you’re dealing with suicide, depression, and eating disorders, and you’re beginning to put some of that behind you, then this is what you should look like: exhausted, wrung out, weary, frayed, grumpy, and in no mood to attempt any sanctified behavior whatsoever. You don’t snap out of any of these things, you work your way out, and when you work, you get tired sista.

I’m getting more and more angry at not only myself, but at others. Sure, you clearly expect way too much of yourself, and you imagine others have the same expectation, and high expectations + no way to meet them = stress, anxiety, and anger. Expect of yourself: slow and steady progress with a determined attitude, based on your love for God.

I know that God promises to stay with us through this life. I don’t know what to do with that promise. I don’t know how to make that be enough. It isn’t enough. It’s a whole lot, but it’s not nearly enough. You need a daily and unlimited supply of peace, love, patience, wisdom, and joy. Before you can move forward one inch, you need to know that those things will be in place, with no holding back, from here on in. God promises all that, plus never leaving you, and so much more.

I still want to scream at God, accuse Him of asking too much of me, even though I know, logically, that such a thought, such an accusation is absolutely ridiculous. Let me make this clear, and if you forget the rest, remember this: God would much prefer to hear the ugly, mean, unfair, ridiculous lie about Him that’s killing you, than to hear a thousand praises that you know to be true, yet you don’t really feel to be true.

Scream at God. Vent, yell, get that poison out of your system. I promise you, at least once a week I pray this prayer: “Lord, I know I’m wrong about this, and I’m not claiming to have the right attitude, but I need to say some stupid stuff in here that feels true to me, and then I can listen to you.” Trust me, God is strong enough to handle our little rants (He already knows how we feel anyway, so why not be honest?).

Oh, and He definitely IS asking WAY too much of you. You cannot possibly pull off the things He’s asking of you. Period. Now, the part you’re missing, is that He wants you to let Him do those things through you. He wants for you to lean on Him, and let His strength be what gets it done, not yours. But all that really requires submitting, trusting and some serious vulnerability. 

How do I face those around me who have good intentions yet hurt me with the simple answers that they give? They don’t know any better. Most of your friends are probably unfamiliar with treating severe depression and anxiety. Find counselors who know how to counsel you, and find friends who know how to do good friend stuff. That stuff might include helping you to get out and do something fun, that might be giving you an encouraging word, it might be simply listening to you.

We’re all told the same thing, the first time we come to church: behave in church. Don’t be yourself, put your best possible foot forward. Stuff your emotions, and deny any problems you have. But this is not Christianity. I’d encourage you to go back and read through the book of Psalms, and make note of how often David was RAW with God. How many times he vents, and rants, and then feels himself able to turn to God in thanks and praise. 

Anonymous asked: I am suffering from depression, and I don’t understand how God set us free. I feel that I am forced to live on this earth and do the things I have no interest in. I am seeking God’s plan on my life, but, I discover no matter what is his plan, I am forced to follow. How can we experience the satisfaction and joy of doing God’s will? [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: What you’ve got here is a problem a lot of Christians have. I’m not referring to the struggle to discover God’s plan, though that is a struggle for many. I’m not referring to the struggle to set aside our hopes and dreams (sad and puny as they may be) to live a life of devotion, to be free and yet choose to serve. And I’m not referring to the depression either.

I’m referring to self-sabotage. When we have a big problem that we don’t want to face, or don’t know how to face, we start looking for other problems to take on at the same time. After all, it would be un-christian to run from a spiritual challenge, but it’s probably super-christian to load yourself down with a bunch of challenges all at once. 

Pretty soon we’re taking on so many challenges that we get overwhelmed and we backslide. As the old missionary saying goes: “if the devil can’t pull you out, he’ll push you deeper in”. Balance and focus are always key to spiritual growth. When you distract yourself, and overload yourself, deep down you know you’re setting yourself up to fail.

One thing at a time. That’s the right way for you to handle today, and it’s the right way to handle the rest of your life. First, focus everything you have on this depression. Take every depressive thought captive. Develop and refine strategies to beat this thing. When you feel you have your foot on the neck of this depression, you will find that it was necessary to develop a strength and a wisdom to overcome it. 

That strength, and that wisdom, will catapult you into the next phase of life. Maybe you learn something about managing depression that you can share with other people. Perhaps you’ll also feel God filling our heart with love for people dealing with depression, and you feel your heart breaking for what breaks their heart. And suddenly you think: I know the way out! I have the map they need to make their way back!

In that moment you won’t be thinking that you’re forced to act, you’ll feel blessed for the chance to act. You’ll feel that all your suffering actually had a purpose, and that by digging out of it, you weren’t just setting yourself free, you were winning the chance to set others free as well. And in all this, you’ll find an immense joy that will seal your heart, and bind you forever away from the clutching hand of depression.

Anonymous asked: Hi Unka Glen. I’ve been feeling so down lately and I noticed that it affects my christian life (prayer & devotion). How can I restore it again? How can I make my christian life more lively? 

Unka Glen answered: There are two schools of thought on this kind of situation. The first is that people are sinners, so when they feel bad, or do something bad, it’s because of the sin in their life, and they need to stop sinning, and know that Jesus is the answer to everything. 

The second school of thought is similar, but perhaps a bit more evolved. Yes, we are all  imperfect sinners who constantly feel the pull of temptation from our flesh, but on a deeper level, it’s about a struggle between the lies we’ve been sold, and the truth. Moreover, there is also a constant pull from the Holy Spirit, drawing us closer to Himself. 

Thus, if we break down the lies, it’s like casting off a hindrance and ridding ourselves of those things that entangle us (Hebrews 12:1), and then we can better respond to the pull of the Holy Spirit.

In this second school of thought, sin (and lots of our suffering in general) is the result of buying into those lies. Think about it this way— if I open a person’s brain and implant a lie that says that God doesn’t love you, what would be the likely result? Well, they wouldn’t go to God for strength or comfort because they’d figure God wouldn’t want to give it to them.

So they’d turn to the things of the world to comfort themselves, and they’d have no strength to resist becoming addicted and dependent on those things. But here’s the important part, you can get someone over that addiction, they can confess their sins with bitter tears, but if the lie is still there, then this whole thing will just play itself out again.

At the heart of every struggle, there’s a lie. That struggle could be an emotional struggle, a lifestyle struggle, or a relationship struggle. Dig deep enough, and you’ll find a lie from the enemy (no wonder Jesus called him the “Father of Lies”). Replace it with the truth, and the truth will set you free. 

Here are a few common lies you may have bought into:

• It’s never going to be any better than this
• How can you be saved? Look at what you’re doing!
• God is not impressed with you (and He needs to be impressed)
• You aren’t what God is looking for
• If I changed for the better, I’d be invisible
• I’ve got one good chance to get this right
• Yes, God technically loves me, but…

Your life should be about finding these lies, and replacing them with the truth of God’s Word. Every time you beat up on yourself, you’re feeding a sin-producing lie in your life. Every bad body image thought, every insecurity, all the self-pity, they’re all symptoms of lies that are spreading like a cancer, and taking things from bad to worse.

Know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Here are some truths to focus on:

• You are God’s treasured possession  (Deuteronomy 14:2)
• You are awesomely and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
• You are a child of God. (John 1:12) 
• You will not be condemned by God, you have been set free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2) 
• The Son of God gave His life to ransom you. (Mark 10:45)
• You have been accepted by Christ. (Romans 15:7) 
• You have been chosen by God to obtain an inheritance. (Ephesians 1:9-11) 
• You are no longer a slave but a child and an heir. (Galatians 4:7)
• You have bold and confident access to God through faith in Christ. (Ephesians 3:12) 
• You are joined to the Lord and are one in spirit with Him. (1 Corinthians 6:17) 
• You are like a living stone, built into God’s house (1 Peter 2:5)
• You are a citizen of heaven. (Philippians 3:20)
• You have been made complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:9-10)
• You have been raised up with Christ. (Colossians 3:1) 
• You have been chosen of God, and you are holy and beloved. (Colossians 3:12)
• And You have been set free in Christ. (Galatians 5:1) 

Anonymous asked: How do I learn to love myself?

Unka Glen answered: You will love yourself when you see yourself the way God sees you. 

This isn’t something you learn, this is something you accept. In order to accept the truth you have to reject the lies that you’ve bought into. Here are a few you may be familiar with.

— You aren’t good enough. One of the ways that the enemy gets you to swallow a lie, is to  arrange a series of truths in such a way that they lead you to make a false conclusion. Yes, you are not good enough for God to love you because of your goodness. Yes, you have done bad stuff. And all that might drive you to think: therefore God doesn’t think much of me.

Whereas the truth is, because I have done bad things, Christ died for me, taking my punishment, so there is now nothing between me and God. The blood of Christ is an exact measurement of how important I am to God. And it’s His goodness I’m going on, not my own.

— You don’t measure up, like these other people. We all can look around and find someone who’s living a straighter lifestyle than we are. We can all look around and say that someone else knows more Bible than we do. You know what I say? So what. Satan knows every page of that Bible, and even quotes it to suit his own purposes. (Matthew 4:5-7)

But I’ve taken ahold of the hem of my Master’s cloak, and I’ve been hanging on for dear life. Now, it hasn’t always been pretty, but I’m changing, little by little. I’m leaving behind some of my favorite sins and hangups, because I can’t always hold on to them and my Master’s cloak at the same time. And you know what else? I’ve watched a LOT of those straight dudes backslide while my messy little walk is still limping along.

— Just look at all the sin in your life. You know what, how ‘bout you don’t? Hebrews 12:1-2a says “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” You throw off the sin, and you keep your eyes on Jesus, not the other way around.

…All these lies will keep you spinning in circles, and they’re a constant part of your life for a reason. Nothing scares the enemy more than you finding out who you are to God. Once you see yourself the way God sees you, these lies won’t ever really stick. Once you see yourself as He sees you, then you won’t be tempted by cheap counterfeit pleasures. 

Ephesians 3:17b-19a ”I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge…”

Unka Glen

amethystandash asked: How do I move past disappointment with God? I’ve never felt being a christian has ever been simple. In honesty it feels like a big game, like a secret that God expects me to know the answer to. How do I believe God is a Healer when he didn’t Heal, Comforter when I wasn’t comforted, my ‘Everything’ when I understand nothing about him. I lived most of my life ‘as a christian’ is utter fear, anxiety, and depression. So I walked away, and know I ‘should’ go back, but it’s hard to even imagine it.

Unka Glen asked: Oh no, I don’t think you should go back at all. When you get set free from fear, anxiety and depression, you move forward. In fact, I think it’s time to completely do away with Christianity, as you’ve known it.

Why not invent a religion of your own? Let’s call it Ashleyism (taken from your first name… duh!). So what should Ashleyism be all about? Well, you’ve got to have God in there to make it a religion, but why not make it a God who would say to your fears  ”do not be afraid. I am with you. Do not be terrified. I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. My powerful right hand will take good care of you.”

You should invent a religion around the kind of God who would say to your anxiousness, “The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation…present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds…”

And when it comes to depression, I think Ashleyism should be unique in allowing its followers (Asheleyites? Ashleytarians?) to express real human emotions, including questioning God Himself. I’m talking about a religion where you can say stuff like this: “How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? …Look on me and answer, LORD my God.”

Let’s take away the idea of all this religious stuff that we do to earn our way up to God. If He loves us, He loves us. So be it. He is God, He makes up His own mind. 

Ashleyism should be a religion where nobody can cut in on us and tell us that we have to go through them to get to God. It’s just you, and God, walking, and talking, and working it out. Period. Ashleyists have the freedom to tell those manipulators and preachers of guilt and shame to just go take a flying leap at a rolling donut.

You also mentioned about how you don’t understand God, so Ashleyism takes that into account. Ashleyites worship the God that they know, as they know him. Ashleyites know that God heals… sometimes. When He wants to. So that’s what they believe in. A God who has His timing and His reasons. Ashleyites know that God is not cruel, but they expect God to be understanding about how cruel things sometimes look.

Like all major religions of the world, you’ll have to decide what to do with Jesus. Most kind of turn Him into some kind of teacher who had a number of interesting thoughts. The only problem is, Jesus said He was God’s Son, and the Savior of all mankind. So either He was nuts, or a liar, or, well… ya know. 

Jesus preached all that forgiveness and love and mercy. He lashed out at the kind of religious people who hurt you and brought you to the place where you are today. He also offered eternal life in paradise as a free gift, and not through any works. And frankly I think that’s entirely in keeping with the core principles of Ashleyism.

So Jesus is in, and if you let Jesus in, then you have to let the Bible in (seeing as how He quoted it a lot), but I think we need to look at this Bible in a whole new way. We may have to kind of put parts on hold until we understand them better. Hey, great world religions like Ashleyism aren’t built in a day.

I know what you’re thinking, Ashleyism is starting to look a whole lot like a non-screwed-up version of Christianity. And to that I say… how about that?

Isaiah 41:10; Philippians 4:5-7; Psalm 13:1-3 …and props to Chesterton

chaiivee asked: Unka Glen. this is a question i don’t often hear asked but i think a lot of people feel. how long is it okay to feel crummy before we have to worry that we’re not well enough understanding how much God loves us? if we feel crummy about ourselves or our circumstances, does that imply a lack of faith? what do we do when down in blue funky moods and scripture only seems to be providing a temporary relief? basically, is it okay to be a sad Christian sometimes?

Unka Glen answered: A great question from one of my favorite poets of all time, and one of my favorite people on Tumblr. Your question is one I think we’ve all wrestled with. When it comes to being depressed, how much is too much, before it becomes spiritually unhealthy and maybe even sinful?

Well, the short answer is that if you’re actually working through your problems, and that’s taking awhile, so be it. Forward progress is forward progress. Speed often isn’t a major concern. But if you aren’t moving forward in dealing with your issues, then you’re either wallowing in the pain, or you’re in denial about the pain. Both of those extremes are wrong responses, no matter how long or short you’re at them.

So let’s start with denial. Christians have a way of thinking: if I have the right feelings and emotions, that will lead to right actions. But Jesus told a story once to some religious leaders that seemed to say the opposite…

“What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “The first,” they answered.  Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you.” (Matthew 21:28-32)

Jesus is saying, sometimes when you vent your bad attitude and your negative feelings, you look around and suddenly you notice that you have a lot to be thankful for, and that thankfulness turns you right around gets you out there showing your gratitude. But by contrast, sometimes you stuff your emotions down, and then you end up heading out to serve and suddenly you’re thinking how unfair it all is, and poor pitiful me, and all these negative emotions come out uglier and nastier than they went in.

The only right response that I know is to go to God and simply say, “here’s my funky attitude, here’s my disobedient heart, here’s me feeling like dirt, and I may be wrong on some of it, or all of it, or none of it… I just don’t know”. That’s when the healing can begin. But by trying to act Christian, you’ve ignored the process that helps you actually become a better Christian. 

Jesus had a word for people who focused only on being nice and proper, while being in denial about deeper stuff, He called them: “whitewashed tombs”. Clean on the outside, but dead on the inside.

But then there’s the opposite extreme from denial, and that’s wallowing in self-pity, and this recent question gives us a clue as to what goes on there…

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sinfreed asked: Hey Unka Glen. :) I’ve got a couple questions about depression. I’ve been thinking about it lately. At least in my case, whenever I feel upset or depressed it’s because I’m thinking, “Why wasn’t I included?” “Why didn’t I get a piece of cake?” “What about me?” It’s always because I’m worried about myself. So is depression selfish? Should Christians never be depressed because Jesus tells us to be selfless instead? Thanks! :)

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Dylan (sinfreed) gives us the insight that depression can sometimes be about wallowing in self pity, which is clearly wrong and unproductive, but does that mean we can never have negative, hurting, and depressive emotions? Not at all. Here is a guy named David who felt pretty bad, but it still led to a Godly attitude…

“My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me… I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears… Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.” (Psalm 6, various verses)

All this is pretty raw, and I suppose there is a bit of self-focus, but it’s more like David is asking God to have pity on him, rather than David taking pity on himself. Once David knows that God is there for him, he finds it easier to take on a righteous attitude. David took his ugly, raw, and real emotions to God, he didn’t hide them, or wallow all alone in them.

I hope you’re beginning to get the picture— the process of getting to right attitudes and actions is usually messy, ugly, unpleasant to witness, and raw as all get out. So be it. I don’t hear Jesus complaining about the obedient son with the wrong attitude. I hear Jesus saying that people who who project a right-sounding attitude instead of honesty, will find themselves watching prostitutes entering the Kingdom of Heaven ahead of them.

(For more on the healing process, especially in romantic relationships, check out this post)

You had me going there for a minute. Things started looking pretty bad, like dang. Things looked like maybe I’d be stuck with this for the rest of my life. But then I remembered that making things look bad is pretty much the only trick you have. I mean, it’s not like you could stop me. If you could stop me, I’d be stopped, right? I mean, you don’t want me to rise up and kick your little red butt (like we both know is gonna happen) so if you could take me out, I’d already be took out.  All you can do is make it LOOK like God’s plan for my life isn’t gonna happen. All you can do is make it LOOK like my blessing is gonna pass me by. And I have to admit, ya had me goin’ for a second, but then I remembered that I’m supposed to walk by faith and not by sight, so it never matters what it looks like. My eyes will deceive me, but my God never will. As 2 Corinthians 4:18 says: “what is seen in temporary, what is unseen is eternal.” This mess I’m dealing with, it’s really just temporary, and my God will bring me out of it, whereas you… well, you’re still screwed.

From time to time I get questions about suicide, like the following:

“I’m feeling really troubled because of the things that happened in the past. i often scratch myself when i get flashbacks. There are a total of more than 13 scars on my left arm. I’m on my way to recovery but sometimes i stumble and fall. The emotional pain from within kills and suicide thoughts enter. I’ve tried suicide twice but both didnt work. I really dont know what to do now.”

Well, the last thing anyone wants to do is to appear glib or uncaring about suicide, but we can’t move forward without honesty and frank talk, can we? So let’s dispense with fooling around and talk straight.

In the words of that great social philosopher Andy Dufresne, “it comes down to a simple choice really—get busy living or get busy dying”.

If you wanted to be dead, you would be dead. What you don’t want, is to go on living the life that you have. And I’m sure nobody would blame you. But here’s the thing, if you’re aren’t determined to change the course of your thought life, you’re going to exist in this kind of shadowy, dull, ugly world that nobody can quite bring you out of. The fact that you’re reaching out means that you DO know there’s something more out there, and that you DO want to take hold of it. So own that. Be about that. You are in this to win this. That’s who you are.

At the heart of this situation is a lie. All we have to go on here is: “things that happened in the past”, so taking a wild stab, I would guess something very wrong was done to you, and you feel like this thing defines you. It doesn’t. If someone does something evil to you, that says something about THEM, it doesn’t say anything about YOU.

That’s the kind of lie we’re looking for.

Once you identify the lie at the heart of your grief, then you’re at the root of this entire struggle. All this misery is built on the back of this lie. Once you find that lie, you pray this prayer:

Dear Lord,

I’ve bought into this lie for too long! It always felt so true, but now I know it’s a lie. I’ve wasted too much time and way too many tears on this stupid, filthy, lie from Hell. So I’m putting my foot down, and declaring my intention to chase this lie down in every form, in every corner of my mind. I will rip it out by the roots and give you these lies Lord, for you to take them out of my heart, soul, and mind.

Don’t let me wallow Lord, don’t let me feel sorry for myself, don’t let me doubt You. I need you, I need your comfort, I need to know that you see my sorrows and that your heart breaks for everything that breaks my heart.

Lord, I know the enemy has done everything he could to get me to believe this lie. I know he’s going to continue to do everything he can to get me to believe this lie. But Lord I pray that you give me the power, your power, the power you promised, to rise up and take hold of my destiny, and be a mighty warrior princess that the enemy will sorely regret ever messing with.