Unka Glen

insideahallelujah asked: Throughout my life, I have never had a ‘best friend’— until a few months ago. I have known this guy for a long time, but we are both really shy and didn’t know we had a lot in common until we officially met. Now, we’re inseparable. We happen to love all the same things, have the same values, are even going down the same career path, yada yada…the thing is, everyone (including us) kind of knows that we’re slowly starting to realize that God *might* POSSIBLY be leading us into something more romantic.

But neither of us want to ruin our great friendship or start something that really might just be us admiring each other a whole lot…as friends. And honestly, I don’t want to be the first to say the dreaded words “I like you” (isn’t that his job?). We’re both 21, have never dated, love the Lord, have high standards, and are not interested in just playing the dating game with each other (or anyone) to see ‘how it goes.’ So… how do you know when it’s the right time (if ever) to move from ‘best friends’ to ‘more than best friends?’

Unka Glen answered: Oh honey, you passed the right time to move forward on all this several moves back. In fact, I’m not sure what you think would be a good reason to still be holding back. So let’s break it down… 

According to you, on one side we have these qualities:

• Best friends
• A lot in common
• Love all the same things
• Have the same values (I’m assuming that includes spiritual beliefs, etc.)
• Going down the same career path

So, looking at this list, what other criteria do you think is missing in a potential dating partner, that you’re waiting to develop here? I certainly can’t see anything. Trying to get a picture in my mind of your situation, it’s like an avalanche of romance that wants to roll down a mountain, yet something huge is holding it all back.

Let’s look at what that might be:

1) You don’t want to ruin your friendship. Male/female friendships are awesome, they’re a very important part of adolescent and early adult development, and they are very short lived. One of you will start dating someone, and you’ll find that friendship to be as fleeting as it was fun and important. So this really isn’t a decent reason to put off dating.

2) You have high standards. This one doesn’t make sense either. Sure, high standards are important, and there’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want and waiting for it. But this is a case of having all kinds of good stuff going on, and still not being sure. That would indicate that your standards may be a bit vague. So that doesn’t work either.

3) You’re both chicken. This kind of makes sense, you’ve both put off dating until way later in your lives, and that’s bound to make it seem like a much, much bigger deal than what it is. And you don’t want to be the first to speak up, but is this a decent explanation for why this avalanche of romance is being held back? I don’t think so.

4) You’re not sure, as you mentioned, if God might possibly be leading you into something romantic. Here’s the thing about that, why wouldn’t you ask God about that way back at the beginning? Why not pray it through the first moment you feel attracted to him, and if you get the green light, why not run headlong into romance? You aren’t putting off dating because you want to the Lord’s approval, you’re putting off dating AND getting the Lord’s approval. 

5) You don’t want to “play the dating game” and “see how it goes”. Um, okay, I think we might be getting warm here. The actual, real, healthy purpose to dating is get to know someone and see how it goes. You’re not playing games with dating when you meet a cute guy, find out you have all the right stuff in common (especially the Jesus stuff), and then ask him if he’d like to get some coffee, and from there see how it goes. 

This super-serious view of dating is not Biblical, and it isn’t Christian. We’ve already noted that God hasn’t been consulted yet at all. But the truth is, all of us have had the idea, in one part of our walk or another, that the best course, the most Godly and righteous course, is the extreme course.  

We figure there’s no need to bounce any of this off of the Lord, because the Lord is always in favor of us going to extremes, right? Extreme faith? What could be wrong with that? Extreme commitment to the church. You’re welcome God. Extremely careful about dating to the point of never dating. God can’t be against that.

He can be, and in some cases I think He might be. It’s the enemy, beloved, that deals in extremes. God calls us to balance. You can have “extreme” faith, but faith becomes a curse if you lack the wisdom to know where to point it. Wisdom, without faith to act on it, is pretty useless. Faith and wisdom compliment and balance one another in that way.

You can be extremely committed to church without being committed to God at all, and end up forgetting your Biblical responsibility to be committed to your family’s spiritual health. This mentality of “I don’t need to check this with the Lord, because it has to be right”, that mentality needs to go away and never come back.  

Let’s face facts here, you’re part of a generation that isn’t quite sure where the physical boundaries should be in dating relationships, and they struggle to know how to manage the emotional component of dating, because of an often rushed physical interaction. But spiritually, your generation knows even less about the healthy, righteous elements of dating than they do the emotional or the physical. 

In the end, when you’re off the map, and you don’t even know where to start, turn to the Lord in everything, seek His face on it all, draw near and listen to His voice. Depend on Him in ways you never have before. In this way, your walk will improve no matter what happens in your dating life. 

wholesome thinking asked: Hello! what’s your opinion on listening to worldly music by non-Christian artists? Also what do you think about watching TV, not bad shows with sex and bleeped out swear words, but other more child friendly stuff? I’m struggling with knowing if it’s OK for me to watch and listen to worldly things or if God wants me to be completely cut off from it. Please help!

Unka Glen answered: Well, if you go out and dig a hole in your backyard and climb down in it, you’re going to be perfectly protected from outside temptations, but you’re also going to be completely unable to serve the Kingdom in any way. In the end, there’s a balance between putting yourself around too much temptation, and digging a hole in your backyard. You’re looking for that balance point. 

In my early twenties I started working in prison ministry, and I spent all day locked up and surrounded by people who were about as rough and raunchy as you can imagine. Then I would hear preachers working in cushy suburban churches preaching about the evils of watching crime show violence and cussing on TV, and I’m thinking, I’m spending all day hanging out and ministering to real criminals, so how is that supposed to work?

Anyway, Paul thankfully addresses this whole situation directly:

1 Corinthians 5:9-11 “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.”

These verses seem to be suggesting that it’s better to associate with the world and be a witness to it, and to understand its ways, than to be a party to anything that claims to be Christian, but has a worldly purpose in mind. Thus, we strive to be in the world, but not of it. But you’re talking about “Christian alternatives” that allow you to be of the world but not in it.

For sure it makes sense to minimize a certain amount of worldly negativity (beyond a certain point, it just becomes redundant and draining anyway), but if you’ve been walking with the Lord for awhile, and a curse word or a song lyric causes you to backslide, you need to talk with your pastor or mentor, because there’s a major structural flaw somewhere in your walk.

Otherwise, try, I beg you, try to ignore people who want to manipulate you through fear. Live as free people. Galatians 5:13 says “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.”

The Holy Spirit will guide you in your day to day life. There will be a day when you’re already hurting, and you know this music will just get you wallowing deeper in self-pity. There are certain days when a sexual lyric will get your mind racing. There are times when a certain scene comes on the TV, and it’s just time to change the channel. The Holy Spirit will give you that little nudge. There is no legalistic rule that can substitute for that leading.

Recently, on my way to doing some ministry deep in a gang controlled neighborhood, I was playing some music to get myself pumped up a little, and the AC/DC song “Highway to Hell” came pounding out of my iPod at full volume. And I was reminded of that quote by the famous missionary, Charles Studd: “Some want to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of Hell.”

  Anonymous asked: Does God speak to us through dreams? I always feel like dreams are something to be taken seriously even if it’s really ridiculous. Like there is a hidden meaning to them.

Unka Glen answered: The Bible certainly does describe God speaking to people through their dreams, so yes that can and does happen. Probably most of us have had a dream that we knew was meaningful (whether we’d admit it or not). However, that doesn’t mean that every dream is meaningful.

So, if by “taken seriously” you mean that you take your dreams to the Lord in prayer to see if they might mean something, then I think that’s a great idea. I only think we’d have a problem, if by taking it seriously, you mean that I should believe the dream that I had last night will come true, where I was playing in the NBA as a bald, five and a half foot, roughly potato-shaped, white brother. (nickname: “Vanilla Thunder”). I had the high knee socks and the shorty shorts, and a nice Spanish lady was yelling, “Aye, que guapo!”

waistdeepthoughts asked: I’m a Christian for quite a long time and still, often I wonder how can you really be certain of the will of God in your life? I mean, yes, each one has a purpose in life, but how can I know what’s mine?

Unka Glen answered: There are three ways we can know God’s will, the first is through scripture, the second is through a pastor or mentor who helps us correctly apply that scripture to our everyday experience, and the third is through prayer (that is to say, listening in prayer). The idea is to combine all three of these ways, and bring them to bear on your situation. There should be agreement in all three of these areas. That’s super important.

Each of these ways has advantages and disadvantages. Scripture is perfectly accurate, but it’s the least specific. That is to say, you can’t open the Bible up and read, “hey Joey, you should finish that project you’ve been working on, also stop listening to Justin Bieber. His hair is an abomination in my sight” (j/k, all you true beliebers). Listening to the Lord in prayer, by contrast, is totally specific to you, but is the least reliable because we’re trying to tune out a lot of competing chaotic thoughts, to be able to pick God’s voice out of the confusion (I should note however, that if you hear the devil’s little criticizing voice loud and clear, then you ought to be able to hear the Lord just fine, as Jesus said, “my sheep hear my voice”).

I’m guessing that God is probably already gently tugging you in a certain direction, and I’m guessing that you aren’t used to listening to the Lord in prayer, so I’d say deepen that prayer time, get deeper into scripture (you’ll need to know plenty of that anyway for your future calling), and find a mentor who can help you understand your strengths and weaknesses. Take your time, God isn’t in a hurry. Bonus info: God rarely reveals a lifetime of calling all at once, He tends to start us in a certain direction, and then lead us from there, so that we are, at every turn, dependent on His voice.

Anonymous asked: I’m in a super serious relationship (1 year now) …and so committed that we want to get married someday. But now we have issues with the physical stuff. We’ve gotten very physical in the past and in my head, my excuse was that we’re going to be married anyway and love each other, so we don’t really need to bother with waiting. But now I feel guilty for it and I want what the Lord wants. Its going to be difficult to go back now, and abstain. I spoke to him about it already and he said he wants what I want. But I could tell that somehow, he felt a bit hurt. And I want him to understand, not just ‘go’ with whatever I want. Now I’m not even sure what we can and cannot do in terms of the physical stuff. Please help.

Unka Glen answered: Let’s say I come to you and ask you “is it’s okay for me to burn your house down?” You’d say no. So what if I said, “Okay, fair enough, so that’s for sure out of bounds, how about if I just smashed your windows, would that be okay? I mean, I don’t want things to be weird between us, so if that’s gonna bother you, let me know.” At some point I work my way down to asking if it’s okay to run over your garbage cans with my pickup, and you say, “well, they’re rubber, so, if that’s what you really want, I guess…”

By asking how wrong before it’s really wrong, you’re putting God in a position to negotiate how jacked-up you’ll make things by doing it your way. Why not approach this from the opposite direction, by asking what the ideal would be? Shouldn’t we have done that in the first place? Maybe God would include some physical stuff, maybe He would be asking you to wait on some stuff, but it would open your relationship to improvements and fulfillments in a number of areas. Apologize to the Lord for not seeking guidance in the first place, and proceed forward with the hope that His guidance will lead to something awesome, as opposed to moving forward in the guilt you have now.

janiefuls asked: I saw your answer to the question about when you knew your wife was “the one”, but… is there really such a thing as “the one”? Does God really have ONE set person planned for you?
sapphireblues asked: I love your posts, especially your “What The Heck Is Wrong With You” series, and I want to know where you stand on the concept that God picks out spouses for His children. Could you please clarify?

Unka Glen answered: There are two schools of thought here. One is that God has no specific plans for anybody, He sort of has a general will, and as long as you’re within a broad range of choices within that, well then, you’re fine. The second view is that God actually does have a specific opinion on individual choices, and that He wants you to know that wisdom, and that He has the ability to make that wisdom known. You can put me all the way in that second camp.

It does remain a fact that God’s direction is very rarely sought. If we know we’re doing something sinful, we don’t want God to talk us out of it, and if we think we’re doing something good, we assume there’s no reason to talk to God about that at all. This doesn’t mean that we’re all almost always out of God’s will, it just means that we’re sheep. And God loves his wayward little sheep.

If you want insight from God on the subject of your future spouse, or anything else for that matter, as it says here, He won’t withhold. God may lead you through a series of relationships, each designed to show you something different. Don’t get it in your mind that dating someone you won’t eventually marry is somehow cheating on a future spouse. It’s not like that. Forget about “the one” or “not the one’. Just let God lead.

thegravityplan asked: Was there any specific moment or event that let you know your current wife was ‘the one?’

Unka Glen answered: When I met my wife, I was in my mid-twenties (which was old to be single in those days), and I was already in full time ministry. As such, I had a few problems. I was a juvenile prison chaplain at the time, making very little money, and I spent Sundays preaching chapel services at the jailhouse, so it was hard to meet a lot of single Christian gals (this was before dating websites too). The few that I did meet, were just kind of… overwhelmed by what I did. I was looking for someone who was more than just “okay” with my calling, I was looking for someone who was called as well.

So when I met a woman who saw my work as a major macho turn-on, and who was (and is) a hottie-boombottie, AND who was already in full time youth ministry herself, well, it didn’t take long for me to seek guidance, and the Lord didn’t delay in answering. But, I should also make it clear, unlike my wife, I had made every relationship mistake in the book. I had spent the past 4 years in a self-imposed exile from any serious dating, and I took all that time to diligently work on becoming a Godly husband. Make of all that what you will, but I’ll tell you this, I let it be God’s decision, because I had made enough bad decisions on my own.