Anonymous asked: Hello Unka! I was wondering if you could help me explain to my friends at uni why I’m choosing not to have sex before marriage? Not being able to explain it to them, is also making me question why I follow this myself!
Unka Glen answered: Well, there are only three possible reasons why a dude like you would choose to not have sex, and the first two are a bit unlikely.
No Sex Reason #1: Maybe you’re afraid of the vuh-jay-jay (to use a medical term…just sayin’). Maybe all you know is porn, and since you’re in control of that, and it doesn’t judge you, and it’s always in the mood, then why not give in to your performance anxieties?
No Sex Reason #2 You’re saving it because you (wrongly) think saving it makes it good. Nothing about repressing desires causes sex to work well after marriage. The only thing that will cause you to have good sex is: an intimate and vulnerable relationship (as in marriage), good confrontation skills, and honest and open communication.
If you ask me to list the three main weaknesses I see in young unmarried people in the church, that would be: lack of vulnerability, fear of confrontation, and and poor communication, where “niceness” and politeness are valued over honesty. But I sense that you knew all that already.
No Sex Reason #3 You trust God. What everyone that’s had sex knows, is that there is simply no real way to separate the physical act of love from the emotional bonds of intimacy and vulnerability it creates. Otherwise sex would be like getting a back rub or something.
In the end, if you’re having sex with someone what you’re not ready to be vulnerable and intimate with, it quickly becomes something kind of sad and out of order. Look at all those (secular) movies about “friends with benefits”, they all say the same thing: over the long haul, it just doesn’t work.
So if we can’t make sex into some kind of meaningless fun, and knowing we’d make it less enjoyable if we did, then why not consider that maybe God knows what He’s talking about with sex?
God wants us to go on a journey to discover our sexual selves. To start slow and enjoy all the little pleasures along the way. To savor every rich moment. From holding hands in a scary movie, to a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night, and so on.
Much as we’d like to run headlong into all that fun, maybe God is right, that we’d enjoy it all so much more if we took our time and discovered all these little physical pleasures, over the very long haul, at the right point in each relationship.