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Posts Tagged: love


Anonymous asked: Hello Unka! I was wondering if you could help me explain to my friends at uni why I’m choosing not to have sex before marriage? Not being able to explain it to them, is also making me question why I follow this myself!

Unka Glen answered: Well, there are only three possible reasons why a dude like you would choose to not have sex, and the first two are a bit unlikely. 

No Sex Reason #1: Maybe you’re afraid of the vuh-jay-jay (to use a medical term…just sayin’). Maybe all you know is porn, and since you’re in control of that, and it doesn’t judge you, and it’s always in the mood, then why not give in to your performance anxieties?

No Sex Reason #2 You’re saving it because you (wrongly) think saving it makes it good. Nothing about repressing desires causes sex to work well after marriage. The only thing that will cause you to have good sex is: an intimate and vulnerable relationship (as in marriage), good confrontation skills, and honest and open communication.

If you ask me to list the three main weaknesses I see in young unmarried people in the church, that would be: lack of vulnerability, fear of confrontation, and and poor communication, where “niceness” and politeness are valued over honesty. But I sense that you knew all that already.

No Sex Reason #3 You trust God. What everyone that’s had sex knows, is that there is simply no real way to separate the physical act of love from the emotional bonds of intimacy and vulnerability it creates. Otherwise sex would be like getting a back rub or something.

In the end, if you’re having sex with someone what you’re not ready to be vulnerable and intimate with, it quickly becomes something kind of sad and out of order. Look at all those (secular) movies about “friends with benefits”, they all say the same thing: over the long haul, it just doesn’t work.

So if we can’t make sex into some kind of meaningless fun, and knowing we’d make it less enjoyable if we did, then why not consider that maybe God knows what He’s talking about with sex?

God wants us to go on a journey to discover our sexual selves. To start slow and enjoy all the little pleasures along the way. To savor every rich moment. From holding hands in a scary movie, to a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night, and so on.

Much as we’d like to run headlong into all that fun, maybe God is right, that we’d enjoy it all so much more if we took our time and discovered all these little physical pleasures, over the very long haul, at the right point in each relationship.



Anonymous asked: I was hoping you could give me some advice? There’s this guy, and we’re really good friends, and we spend a lot of time together at church and uni. But I found out that he likes someone else. I’m trying to get over him, but I see him so often that I can’t avoid him. I love being his friend and I wish I didn’t have all these feelings… He’s really attractive and kind! Do you have any tips on how to get over someone you’ve never dated?


Unka Glen answered: Well, as Tennyson once said: “’tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” And, as he is quite correct about that, I fear you’re getting the rough end of that equation right about now.

Oh, you know the thing I’m supposed to say, something like “you should let God be your boyfriend, and think of Him, and look for no further attachments and entanglements, do your homework, achieve success, pay your taxes, and eat your vegetables.

But let’s not do that dance. This is a serious and heartbreaking situation, and something serious must be done. And so…

How about fighting for this guy? Hmm? I mean, okay allegedly he likes someone else, but it sounds like you heard about that second-hand. And I don’t know if you can dig it, but it’s possible for one dude to be attracted to more than one gal. Or to be attracted to one this week, and another the next week.

He sounds like he’s worth it, and one thing is for sure, if things didn’t work out, you could rest assured that you did everything you could. Ah, but there’s a reason why every romantic movie you’ve ever seen is about a woman being chased by a man (usually two in fact, one who is Pretty, But All Wrong, and another that is Shy And Polite, But Has Hidden Depths). 

Nobody wants to be the hero that makes the bold romantic gesture, everybody wants to be the one putting in no vulnerability, and yet enjoying all the relationship has to offer. And when you put it like that, it seems like some people hardly deserve to be in the relationships they’re in.

If you’re looking for where God fits into this equation, it’s in all the places He never seems to be allowed any authority or leadership at all. God should be involved in the discernment process of helping us to see who the quality dating partners around you might be. Maybe He’ll show you one quality in one guy, and another quality in some other guy, in order to help you see the kind of man He wants for you.

And God should be our rock, our anchor. Our sense of self and our sense of esteem should come from Him. So we should have no fear of rejection or breakups. As bad as those things can suck, and they can suck all the way at times, but still, it doesn’t strike us at our core. It can’t shake us to our foundations.

As that other great social philosopher W. D. Gretzky once said, “you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”




Anonymous asked: My sibling is married to someone of another religion and they have young kids. Raising the issue increases tension, and leading by example hasn’t given tangible results. As I grow stronger in faith, the pain of knowing my nieces don’t know Christ and may not grow up with Him is unbearable.


Anonymous asked: How do you deal with the pain of not being able to help someone you really care deeply about? Especially if it’s a parent. Do you take comfort in the little ways you can help them, and just try to block out the rest?


Unka Glen answered: Both of these questions are really coming from the same place: what do we do with someone who needs help, but isn’t willing to accept it? Let me give you three steps to dealing with this kind of situation.

1) Set an example. What you’re asking about is having “the power to inspire belief”, which is the exact dictionary definition of the word: credibility. This may sound confusing, because you know lots of Christians who want to inspire belief, but they aren’t really doing anything to build any kind of credibility.

Nonetheless, it’s important to do some hard thinking about what creates a sense of credibility specifically with your family, or your friends, or your mission field.

Those cliches like “you may be the only Bible some people ever read”, and “people don’t care what you know, until they know you care”, are around for a reason. Because they’re true. If you want to speak into people’s lives, you have to earn the right to be heard.

2) Plant a seed. Here’s another saying: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, and neither are important witnessing and discipleship relationships. When I’m trying to minister to someone, I’m trying to anticipate what obstacle or pitfall they may come across in the near future. As such, I’m usually saying something that people don’t really think they need to hear.

Of course that doesn’t matter, as long as they take what I say to heart (because I’ve earned that right in their life). Sooner or later, they’ll hit that obstacle, remember what I said, use those truths to set themselves free, and then hopefully come back for more wisdom about obstacles.

As such, I’m planting a seed of truth I know won’t really bear fruit for awhile, but I can take a great deal of comfort in knowing that when that wisdom is needed, it’ll be there for them.

3) Feed the (spiritually) hungry. For everyone in your life who isn’t open to receive spiritual help right now, there’s plenty of people who are open, and could use some help. While you’re waiting for those seeds to take root, help those who are ready. You’ll sharpen your witnessing skills by doing so, and helping people who are open passes the time in the most amazing way.




bluelikejazzminds asked: Hate is a common theme towards young black and brown men of this nation. Justice for these young men (and women) has not been served, and if anything are glossed over by celebrity news or other stories to distract the nation. As a Christian, I want to look to the church for help, but it seems that there is silence on these types of issues. As a leader, what words would you give to the congregation; God’s people; your brothers and sisters, who were/are affected by these issues? [edited for length]


Unka Glen answered: As you may know, I’ve been involved in ministering to ex-cons, addicts, and gangbangers for the past quarter century or so. As such, I can speak first-hand about the kind of urban environment from which news stories emerge, involving young men like Mike Brown and Trayvon Martin. 

So much of what we read in the news is exaggerated and hyped-up, but in this case, these stories barely scratch the surface. A Trayvon Martin or a Mike Brown incident may capture the headlines for a few days, but speaking as someone who has looked directly at police misconduct reports kept by the police themselves, it needs to be understood that living in many inner city communities in America, is to live in a third-world military dictatorship.

What would I say to those who’ve been through this? What can you say? But perhaps, more to the heart of your question, what should we all do? And I think I can give us some concrete ideas on that.

The Bible talks about putting the ax to the root of a problem, so in this case, what’s the real root of the problem? Racism immediately comes to mind, and it’s undeniably a factor, but I think it’s a symptom of the real root problem: fear. Or, if I can be allowed to use some fancy vocabulary, I’d say root problem is people acting as fear mongers.

Fear mongering is the attempt to make people afraid, so that they’ll make a decision that works to the advantage of the one making them afraid. That sounds like this:

“Aren’t you tired of living in fear of who might mug you or rape you? Aren’t you tired of locking your doors at night, and hoping that it’s enough? Vote for me, and I’ll lock all these people up, I’ll be tough on crime, I’ll get rid of these people who don’t care about our traditional values!”

It’s a simple formula, I make you afraid by blaming everything on someone who can’t speak for themselves, and then you vote for me, and then you won’t be afraid anymore. Of course, once this scoundrel is voted in, he needs to actually create the police state he said he’d create, and what do we expect when leaders tell the police that nobody with power cares about civil liberties, we only care about meeting violence with violence?

And of course the news media has figured out that fear mongering and scary news reports will sell lots of advertisement space. Everything is a crisis. Financial crisis, crisis in the Middle East, health scare crisis. That’s how you get very detailed footage of a riot, and nothing at all about the forces that provoked the riot. 

As Christians, we’re meant to arrest the very thought of fear itself, let alone making decisions based on fear, for Heaven’s sake. We’re meant to make decisions based on love. We’re meant to fulfill the instructions of almighty God who commands us to not be afraid, and to seek justice for the poor.

And make no mistake, if white middle class churches stood with African American churches on this issue, it would go away in a heartbeat. Once someone starts losing votes for creating a mess like this, they’ll quickly campaign on smart ideas instead of fear mongering. As Proverbs 29:7 says, “a righteous man knows the rights of the poor; a wicked man does not understand such knowledge”.

One or two other verses that seem to point in the same direction on this issue:

Isaiah 1:17b …plead the widow’s cause.

Romans 12:16b …associate with the lowly.

Proverbs 31:9b…defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Proverbs 22:22-23 Do not exploit the poor because they are poor…for the Lord will take up their case and will exact life for life.

Romans 12:13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Leviticus 19:10 And you shall not strip your vineyard bare, neither shall you gather the fallen grapes of your vineyard. You shall leave them for the poor and for the sojourner: I am the Lord your God.

Ezekiel 16:49-50 Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy. They were haughty, and did an abomination before me. So I removed them…

1 John 3:17-18 If anyone has material possessions, and sees a brother or sister in need, but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words, or speech, but with actions, and in truth.




Anonymous asked: I’m a longtime Unka Glen reader, and a Say That Podcast superfan, and I have a question about this one guy in our campus fellowship, who is so cute, and he acts like he likes me, but he hasn’t asked me out, and I’m wondering if that means I should just move on, or if it makes sense for me to say something? 


Unka Glen answered: I think there’s at least two main reasons why a guy won’t ask a gal out, and it’s important to understand them both, because they’re VERY different.

On one hand, you have some people who are just plain chicken. And they let that basic fear reduce their motivation for having a healthy dating life. There’s always something that will pop up and keep one “too busy” to date. And in the end, the motivation for being a good partner just isn’t there.

If you go to this person, and make yourself the only one being vulnerable, and you’re basically doing all the work to make the relationship move forward, then you’re really enabling that person to avoid their fears. If you think that could be the kind of guy you’re dealing with, then yes, it’s time to move on.

But then there’s the other sort of person, who just needs a little… spark. They just need a little jump-start. Particularly when it comes to men, sometimes we need a little goose in the butt to clear our head and get going. There are plenty of men that have ample courage, and even romantic instincts of a sort, but NONE of them has any clue where to start, or who might say yes.

For years, women have perfected the art of giving that little spark of motivation, in such a subtle way that we often think we did it all on our own. It can be as simple as: “it was nice talking to you, text me and we can get some coffee and continue the conversation.”

When he tells the story later, all he’ll remember is that he made the call, he arranged for which coffee shop to go to, and that he bought you a scone and listened to your stories, and asked follow up questions, and that later he even took to you to a movie about dancing, or horses, or one of those movies where everyone is in love, but also dying.

But here’s the thing I want to say about being a spark: IT’S AWESOME TO BE A SPARK! Imagine being the kind of person that helps people unlock their potential, to be the kind of person that helps people take a first courageous step, to be the kind of person who inspires everyone around them. That’s the ultimate life, the ultimate calling, and the ultimate path to awesome relationships. 

All you have to do is find the person who’s ready for your spark…




 asked: My boyfriend of five years broke up with me. I thought we were doing great, and we discussed that our relationship had gotten a bit monotonous over the years, and agreed to work towards fixing that. But then out of the blue, he said that he didn’t love me anymore. Now I don’t know what to do, or how to handle this situation. He’s stopped coming to church because he says if he’s around me he’ll regret it and start to love me again. Advice? [edited for length]


Unka Glen answered: Well, before we get to any advice, let’s just start with how sorry I am that this has happened. Bless your heart, this is about as tough a situation as there is. I’m so sorry for your pain, and for sure I’ll be keeping you in prayer as you work through this tough transition.

As far as that transition goes, I think we ought to look at 4 crucial steps:

1) Don’t spiritualize it, be honest. Don’t paint a smiley face on this. Don’t do that “God is good all the time” thing. This sucks. So admit it. Tell God how much it sucks, why it sucks, when it sucks. God understands your pain, but you won’t get the healing you need, until you point to the wound, and ask God to make it better.

2) Mourn the end of the relationship. The thing about the breakup of a long-term relationship, is that in many ways you’ve integrated your lives. You’ve come to rely on each other in a million little ways. Then suddenly a big part of your life is missing, and you feel like a lump of Swiss cheese, with holes everywhere. 

Dealing with these missing bits, and finding ways of filling in those missing pieces is what we call mourning. A long-term breakup is like a death, and it should be mourned as such. Don’t judge your emotions, or shortcut the venting, just keep doing your grief work until those pieces are in place, and you feel whole again.

3) Don’t take responsibility for your ex. You don’t control where things go from here with your ex. What he does, who he hangs out with, the choices he makes…all of that is up to him, and he’ll deal with the consequences. Right now, you gotta do you. 

4) You deserve to be with someone who is certain. Breakups can often lead to confusion. Why did things end? What could I have done different? Who is to blame? And sometimes breakups lead to that whole “will they or won’t they” thing where we sorta try to get back together, but we’re not sure how or even if we should.

So cut through the confusion: you deserve someone who is DEAD CERTAIN about a relationship with you. Good and healthy relationships require so much commitment, that they simply won’t work unless both people are certain that this is what they want. 

Regardless of how this relationship ended, there are plenty of sweet and respectful young men (who probably look like that Thor guy, only better), who would have absolutely no doubts about wanting to be with someone as awesome as you. So work your recovery, and don’t keep those poor lads waiting.


"We keep trying to get our life to fit into the story we’ve made up for ourselves. But what if your life isn’t really meant to be a story, so much as a series of moments? What if it’s meant to be about making the most of every opportunity, as Ephesians 5:16 says? What if you seize the moment and give that cute guy your number, or find a way to witness to that one friend, or finally tell God why you’re so frustrated and angry inside?"

- Unka Glen (unkaglen.tumblr,com)



tworoadsdivergedblog asked: Do you think there will be Autumn and hot chocolate in Heaven? Because that would be stupendous.


Unka Glen answered:  Hot chocolate and and Autumn in Heaven? You bet. And what’s more: no calories in the chocolate. This is because calories, carbs, and fat grams are the work of Satan.

There will be both puppies and kittens in Heaven, but no fully grown cats. Any pet that knowingly poops indoors, and is selfish, goes to pet purgatory until they learn to repent. Don’t shoot the messenger on that, it’s not like I’m just making this stuff up.

There will be fishing and climbing and hiking, but no bugs or mosquitos. There will be long walks on the beach, and brilliant sunsets. There will be tea, and lots of different kinds of little cookies (apparently nobody will call them “biscuits” in Heaven…go figure).

There will be conversations, amazing conversations, about all we learned and saw. Humility will reign supreme as there will no longer be any denial. We will all be perfectly aware, that none of us came anywhere near to earning our way in there. Indeed, the thought will prove to be utterly laughable to us.

As such, other human beings will finally be tolerable. We will live blissfully free from debates that are really only exercises in building one’s ego, and of course there will be no more politics, no unwarranted fame, or ugly prejudice. 

There will be no religion, and thus no denomination, liturgy, dogma, doctrine, or theology. There will be no sinning in Heaven, so by contrast, there’ll be no real righteousness either. Just a simple relationship with God.

The heroes of the faith will all be there of course, and we’ll all have a full awareness of all the things, little and great, that we did to serve the Lord in our shockingly brief life here on Earth. And we’ll look on, joining that great cloud of witnesses, and watch the impact we had during our short life. 

We’ll see how a simple word of encouragement, or a humble blog post, became a turning point for someone. Then we’ll see how that someone passed that blessing along, and how that blessing became the flapping butterfly’s wings that, down through the generations, became a mighty movement of God. 

Then we’ll celebrate, as we sit by the fire with our hot chocolate, surrounded by those we love.


"A relationship should have a point and a purpose. Dating just so you can say you’re dating isn’t enough. Your dating relationship should be a solid base, one that allows you to launch into helping people, and growing, and having fun. That’s when it gets good."


Unka Glen Fitzjerrell on episode 128 of Say That

Get it Free on iTunes or our Website


(via thebridgechicago)

Source: thebridgechicago



Anonymous asked: I am a Christian teenager, who had a burning faith a few months ago. But now? I don’t feel it. I can now go a day without any word of God that serves as my weapon; I can now find an excuse for me not to go to church (and I don’t feel any guilt anymore). What should I do? I feel really far from God. I am praying for this, but I think my faith isn’t sufficient. Thanks, Unka.


Unka Glen answered: I think to get a handle on this, we need to see what our emotions are doing.

In lots of churches, and ministries, and even Christian music concerts, the drama is so high, and the constant attempt to ramp up emotions is so relentless, that I end up walking away feeling exhausted.

What’s funny is I always hear the same thing in those places: “hey everybody, remember, this isn’t all about emotion!” And I sit there thinking, reeeheeely? But the truth is, they mean what they say, they don’t want it to be all about emotion, they’re just using emotion as a way to get ministry done.

The problem is, that by manipulating emotions in this way, they’re teaching you to build emotion into your walk with God. As you said in your message:

  • You don’t FEEL the BURNING faith 
  • You don’t FEEL the guilt any more
  • You FEEL far from God

Understand, your emotions are valid and important, and I’m certainly not trying to dismiss your feelings in any way, I’m just saying, that when you’re building your house on the rock, emotions are useless as building materials.

Here are a few reasons why:

Emotions cloud. When you think about emotions and your walk with God, I want you to think of a massive fog bank, clouding everything, and there’s you trying to navigate through it all. You can’t feel your way along, you have to see where you’re going.

Emotions lie. Emotions have a way of getting you totally convinced of something that is also totally not true. It’ll FEEL true, but fear and guilt and shame point you far away from God’s truth, every time.

Emotions change. Take any emotion and try having that emotion for, say, three days in a row. You can’t, because emotions keep on changing. Sadness changes into anger, anger turns into bitterness, bitterness into self-loathing, and on and on. You can’t build your walk around something that slippery and unreliable.

In the end, your goal is to build your entire walk on your relationship with God Himself. Then you can read the Bible simply because you like it. You can go to church or pray or whatever because you’re following the Godly virtue of joy, not the intoxicating emotionality of “burning” faith.

From here forward, make everything in your Christian life a “get to”, not a “have to”. You get to speak with God, you get to read His word, you get to fellowship. This will dismiss the emotions of fear, shame and guilt; and replace them with the Godly virtues of joy, love, hope, peace, and real faith.



Anonymous asked: Dear Unka Glen, I mess up so many things, I act selfish, and sometimes hurt the ones I love, I make so many mistakes and I just keep on making them. Why would God (one who is perfect) care and have love for one as imperfect as me? Why wouldn’t he just give up?

Unka Glen answered: What if, the more you mess up, the more God wants to help? That would, after all, be in keeping with everything Jesus said about himself, for example, Jesus said that He “seeks and saves the lost” (Luke 19:10). If you’re lost, He’s seeking you, case closed.

What if God has really low standards? That doesn’t sound right, but think about it, everybody makes mistakes. God signed Himself up for dealing with a lot of screw-ups when He set out to be our Savior. Yes, Christ’s perfection is a goal, but it’s obviously one we’ll never fully reach. 

You’re thinking that God has a high standard that you’re falling short of, and maybe God would rather deal with all those “holy people” you imagine are out there. Those people at church, the ones that seem to have it all together, are just like you. Some may be a step or two ahead of you, and many more are faking it, but regardless, they’re making the same mistakes you are.

Sure, God expects that you should be serious about dealing with sin, after all, it’s hurting you, and He can’t stand to see you hurt. And yes, this involves discipline and hard work, and many setbacks. But when you teach a child to walk, you don’t quit after the first time they fall on their face and start crying, and you don’t get angry either. You wipe away the tears, and say, “okay, let’s try that again.”

What if sin itself was what God expected of you? What if that was basically your default setting? Sounds pretty raw, but it would explain a lot. Paul himself said: “I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” (Romans 7:18).

So if sin is natural, to be expected, and just about all we can manage, then it must take something SUPER-natural to overcome it. So how do we access this mighty supernatural power? Well, not by beating up on yourself Buttercup, that’s for sure!

Maybe it starts with forgiving God for having such low standards. Or, tell it like it is, for really having no standards at all. He’ll just accept any sinner who comes along and wants eternal life in Paradise as a free gift. God is letting Himself get taken advantage of, and meanwhile, He refuses to beat up on us the way we know we deserve.

Forgive Him for it. He’s drunk and overcome with love for you. He is reckless and wild with His affections, and He loves those who often turn their back on Him. Forgive Him for failing to be as strict as you’re sure He needs to be.

"The Bible explains foundational and essential things about the Christian faith. Those are all dirt simple. They can be explained to a small child. It also contains nuances and abstract concepts, inviting you to explore and use your imagination. Both of those elements combine to make the Bible remarkable and beautiful, but it’s important to remember that the essentials are still not at all complicated."


Unka Glen Fitzjerrell on episode 125 of Say That

Get it Free on iTunes or our Website


(via thebridgechicago)

Source: thebridgechicago



Anonymous asked: Hi Unka. Just want to hear your advise on this. I recently had a breakup with a guy I love so much. Now I want to let go, but I just can’t, I always remember him. Will it be okay to use ‘hate’ (as in using the things I don’t like about him, to ’turn me off’) as a coping mechanism while I’m at this stage?


Unka Glen answered: Bless your heart, I love how your mind works. I mean officially hate is bad, and so on, but I follow the logic. In truth, it’s good to remember the good times and celebrate them (which you will do in time), and it’s also good to remember the bad times, to learn and grow from those experiences too.

But the real issue you bring up, the smart and important question is this: is it okay to be not-so-right on the way to being right? After all, most sermons I hear sound like this:

  1. The sin you are doing is bad
  2. Stop it.

Okay fine, now tell me HOW. Ya see, if you aren’t telling me about the path from not-righteousness to righteousness, then you aren’t being much help. Or perhaps it’s about this tendency we have in the church, to be uncomfortable with transitions.

I mean, we love the testimony that looks back and tells us about the rough road, and how someone made it up that road, but we aren’t as enthusiastic about someone stuck halfway up that road who’s starting to sound, and even act, a bit tired and cranky about things. 

Either way, let’s map out the road ahead of you, and see what we find…the first thing we see are a set of pitfalls, and each one is a lie that needs to be rejected in order to move forward.

  • Lie #1: You will never find another man! [dun dun DUH!] 
  • Lie #2: It was all your fault that things went wrong. 
  • Lie #3 It was all his fault that things went wrong.
  • Lie #4 God doesn’t understand your anger and frustration.
  • Lie #5 God just wants you to “get over it already”

If you manage to break down those lies and avoid those pitfalls, the way forward will be a little more obvious. 

  1. Cast your cares on God, knowing that this is exactly what God asks you to do (1 Peter 5:7). This includes venting, ranting, crying, and making long dramatic speeches about how hard it is to let things go.
  2. Let things go. Ask God to take away all the negative emotions and all the lies, and give you the courage to heal, and try again.
  3. Mourn the loss of the relationship as you would a death.
  4. Realize that you are whole, and you are never alone.
  5. Remember that no human can love you the way God already does. 

All that might look messy before it resolves itself into a nice tidy testimony, but you’ll be using God Himself as your coping mechanism, instead of hate.


"Much of the New Testament was written by someone who tried to destroy the lives of all Christians everywhere. God chose that man and blasted him off his donkey with a laser beam for a reason: to make it clear that nobody could read that book and think themselves a worse sinner than the man who wrote it. Paul himself said: ‘here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst’ (1 Timothy 1:15)."

- Unka Glen (


 asked: Hey Unka Glen, my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and we’ve been together for a long time. I found out that he’s cheating on me, because he told me that I’m too fat and ugly and he doesn’t want me anymore. What should I do Unka Glen? I’m hurting so much that I’m thinking of killing myself.

Unka Glen answered: Oh honey, killing yourself won’t solve your problem with this guy. Killing HIM on the other hand… well, but then you’d end up in jail, where there’s nobody to date at all, except for other ladies, which is another post altogether. 

Besides, I hear that when you die, your bowels release and you leave a nasty surprise for whoever finds you. That’s not exactly the kind of lasting impression one wants to leave. So if we can’t get rid of the problem by killing you, or him, we have to figure out how to kill these thoughts in your head.

Let me give you a three step process:

1. Don’t eat the fruit of the poisoned tree. If you hang around as many courtrooms as I do, you pick up the lingo. And in this case “eating the fruit of the poisoned tree” means that if the source of the information is messed up, then the information coming from that source must be regarded as messed up too.

Let’s say you want to invest a lot of money in the stock market, and the homeless man on the corner holds up an empty soup can to his ear, and tells you that he’s receiving a transmission that tells him tech stocks are likely to trend upwards this year. You wouldn’t invest in tech stocks, because, ya know, you have to consider the source.

And trust me, a bum with an intergalactic soup can communicator has more credibility than a cheating ex-boyfriend.

2. No blame-shifting. He’s trying to say it’s not his fault that he cheated on you, it’s your fault for gaining weight. He’s actually attempting to make YOU blame yourself for HIS wrong actions. 

I mean sure, if you pushed him and he fell onto this other woman, then yes, you would be partially to blame, otherwise, the only right way to look at this thing is to say that HE ended this relationship the moment he decided to cheat, and that he chose, all on his own, to act in a way that brought dishonor to himself. If there’s a problem with a relationship, you end it, and THEN you move on.

3. Forgive yourself. As soon as you realize that HE is fully responsible for the relationship ending the way it did, and that he acted in a way that can only be described as shameful AND that he tried to get you to take responsibility for it all, then you’ll realize that you chose him, trusted him, and were vulnerable to him.

And here’s the thing, you have to forgive yourself for making that choice. Everyone with an active and healthy dating life ends up dating at least one person that’s horribly wrong for them. (Can I get an Amen out there?) Yes, in hindsight you can see all the signs were there, but the only relevant thought moving forward is: from now on, I’ll know what to look out for.

As Christians we have to: 1) learn to go by what the Lord says about us, and not what the enemy says about us, and 2) we have to accept responsibility for our own actions, while urging others to do the same, and 3) we’re meant to practice forgiveness (including forgiving ourselves). So these are skills you’re already developing, you’re just bringing them to bear on your struggle.

The world is filled with cute Christian guys who are looking to meet someone just like you. Find a good one and give him a shot. Dust your shoulders off sweetie, this ex isn’t worth the salt in your tears.