Unka Glen

Anonymous asked: Right now, I really feel down in the dumps. Recently, I’ve been watching porn. I always stop for a while, then head back to the habit of doing it again. It really sucks after every time where I say I want to stop, and yet I’m continuing in this vicious cycle. 

Could you help me out here, uncle? You’re freaking awesome, for all the replies you’ve given to all the people out there. This has really crippled my spiritual self, and almost always, my dreams of becoming a worker for God full-time feels like it’s teetering on a crevice. Please help me out here! 

Unka Glen answered: I got ‘cha on this. You feel bad about this situation, but let ask you a question, are you SURE you know what to feel bad about? I’ll bet you don’t. When it comes to sinnin’ you’re still an amateur, listen to the professional, I’ll tell you what to feel bad about.

— It’s not the sex part. God made you with a built-in desire to look at naked people. God make sex to feel good, He wants you to enjoy it feeling good, and when He puts limits on you, that’s so you can enjoy it more, because the time is right.

Yes, you aren’t following God’s instructions on this, but I’ll bet that you don’t really know exactly what God’s instructions are. And I’ll bet that you have no earthly idea how important mistakes in your sex life are to God, as opposed to all the other mistakes you make in your life.

I’ll bet that when you mess this up, it feels like the most wrong thing you can do. It’s not. The sex part isn’t even the most wrong part of this situation, let alone your whole life. 

— It’s not the porn part. Yes porn can be exploitive and demeaning to women, but even when it isn’t doing all that, it’s doing something worse: it’s making sex boring. It’s making it just another image on a screen. Two-dimensional. Unfeeling, uncaring, cold. 

Taking something sacred, beautiful, and super-hot, and turning it into something boring and cheap is wrong, but it’s not the main thing that’s wrong here.

— It’s not the masturbation part. Ask God if it’s okay for you to be masturbating or not (that’s what you do when there isn’t a really clear Bible verse on the subject). Whatever He says should be the last word on the subject. But again, I’ll bet that you took your cues from the society around you, and decided that if that many people are ashamed of it, then God must be against it. 

Let God speak for Himself, and make no mistake, the last thing you should be doing is looking at the culture around you for indications of what God thinks. This is a mistake to be sure, and as common as the others, but still, not really the main point here.

— It’s not the the cycle itself. You could look at this situation and be glad that you have the strength and character to at least occasionally stop this behavior, and you could have looked at this situation and see that all the guilt and shame never stopped you from falling off again.

Seeing that shame and guilt weren’t working, you turned them up, and they still didn’t work. This means one of two different things: A) you are a sociopath with no conscience, or B) guilt and shame have no power to help this situation, they just make you feel bad in a way that makes you feel like you can’t turn to God. But you know what you can turn to? Porn.

There’s your cycle, and you should have seen that developing, and why it’s wrong to wallow in the guilt that is already weakening your resolve to stay on the path . This is wrong too, but not the most wrong thing here. 

— It isn’t the hidden sin part. Sins we do in secret seem darker and more evil, but the truth is, if you had never looked at porn and masturbated, then YOU would be the odd one out. This, of course, doesn’t make it okay behavior, but it should put things in perspective. Lacking this perspective has been hurtful to you, and damaging to your walk, but that still isn’t the main thing here.

HERE IS THE MAIN THING: you didn’t turn to God. I’m guessing that most of the times you fell off of your own self-imposed commitment to stop, it was because you were lonely, sad, depressed, tired, or overwhelmed. 

You may be looking at this behavior outside of the thing that’s driving it, and that’s a mistake. Porn is a response to something painful going on in your life. And like most of us, you turned to the things of this world for comfort. And if you can dig it, you took a much better option that many of those around you. But it’s a wrong option. 

God is there at the bottom of life. God is there when you just feel like you can’t take it any more. God is there when everyone else has left you behind. God is there, and He isn’t judging you, or scolding you, or giving you hoops to jump through. He’s there to give you comfort, and love, and peace, and hope.

Turning away from those things He offers is the sin. Anything else you do, any other direction you take, is a sin. The right direction to take is into His arms. Dwell there awhile, and for that moment, I’ll bet you don’t have a craving for anything else in the world.

Anonymous asked: Hi Unka Glen, I am struggling wth anxiety, homosexuality and pornography. I’ve come to the conclusion that I love the world more than I love God. I sell myself short. One day I’m on “fire” for the Lord and the next day I just don’t care. I want to desperately cry out to him but I can’t. I get so discouraged and unmotivated to read the Bible. I seek professional help (because I don’t want to live this way) but don’t do the work that’s given. All in all, I am a hypocrite and a liar.

Unka Glen answered: Well, let’s see, you list out, in just one paragraph, problems with: anxiety, porn/lust, loving the world, selling yourself short, inconsistency, discouragement, a lack of motivation in your walk, laziness, hypocrisy, and lying. …But I ain’t buying it. None of it. I don’t think any of these things are real, they’re just the symptoms, just a shadow if you will, of your ONE true struggle. 

You’re wallowing in self-condemnation, because you’re afraid to live any other way.

When faced with the choice between seeking attention and sympathy for being a successful sinner, and facing the fear of rejection because you’re a new and lousy Christian, face the fear. Heck, I’m still working on my walk, and I still have a long way to go. Most people seem to be able to live with my shortcomings, so I can too. I don’t pridefully assume I should be a semi-perfect Christian by now. That’s never even seemed like a possibility.

You don’t even list out the main thing you’re doing wrong here, namely that you have a hyper-judgmental attitude. Yes, it appears to only be pointed only at yourself, but that doesn’t make it any less wrong (1 Cor. 4:3). If a friend of yours was going through these same struggles, you wouldn’t in a million years call him a lazy and hypocritial liar. But you’ll say all that and worse to God’s kid (you), and I don’t think God likes that one bit.

Frankly, niether do I.

You say you want to desperately cry out to God, but you can’t. That’s not really true, is it? To say that you can’t call out to God because you’re a sinner, is to suggest that God doesn’t really love sinners, and that He doesn’t seek out His lost sheep and rejoices when they are found (Luke 15:3-7). In short, it’s to say that everything Jesus said about the Father is a total lie. And I know that’s not where you want to go with this.

You know you can call out to God, you just won’t. And you won’t because— if you didn’t have all this drama, what would you have?

I’ll tell you what you’d have: meaning. Your life would truly have meaning. You would be a tool in the hand of God Himself, fulfilling the purpose for which you were created. Of course you’d still have stuff to work on, but you’d be doing it out of love, both for your Savior, and for those you’d be serving and inspiring.

Here’s the true list wrongs that need to be made right: self judgment, self-condemnation, self-focus, wallowing in guilt, wallowing in shame, fear of living without attention from drama, and turning your back on God’s forgiveness. For sure, you should repent of THESE things, and commit yourself to never doing any of them again. But also, make note, my list doesn’t overlap with your list.

Sure, all the stuff on your list are sins, and they aren’t okay to ignore, but remember, if the enemy can’t pull you out, he’ll push you deeper in. If he can’t get you to ignore your sin, he’ll get you so obessed with your sin, you’ll never focus on anything else. And of course he will only give you sins to obsess over that are a symptom of your core problem. You can fix everything on your list of sins, and a whole new set of sins will just pop up in their place, like Kleenex. 

Once you’ve lost sight of God’s love and grace, you’re on the enemy’s agenda, and he won’t give you a way out. God loves you, and I know it to be true because as I type these words I can feel Him squeeze my heart so hard for you. 

jessierenee asked: I have a male acquaintance who I have known for a few months now. He professes to be Christian and even “walks the walk” in some areas, but he regularly makes extremely sexual remarks, talks about his favorite porn, and the like. He can be extremely kind when necessary, but this lust thing seems to be a huge boulder in his life. What is my role? I do not know if he has any Christian brothers who can talk to him, but is it appropriate for me to speak the truth in love about such a taboo topic?

Unka Glen answered: We’ve got two things going on here. The first is that he’s maybe being a bit rude and socially inappropriate. If that’s the case, I think it’s fair to tell him, “easy there brother, ya need no learn how to talk when ladies are present”. I’m not talking about an intervention, I’m just talking about a quick in-the-moment indicator of where the boundaries are.

My wife, bless her, does that with me all the time.

The second issue is whether to confront him about a sin area in his life. This is a discipleship issue. If you’re discipling him, and you’ve prayed through it, and God has made it clear that this porn area is a priority, then of course it’s the right thing to say. But by contrast, if God isn’t making this a priority, but you make it a priority, distracting this brother from something else more important, then it would be a very wrong thing to say.

It is actually wrong to simply point to every sin you see, and tell people that they need to work on it. I know this is a radical thought, but pointing out sin isn’t really what men and woman of God do. We point people to Christ, and then we help them to be set free from the sin that holds them back from following Christ. 

Of course we don’t ignore sin issues, and at times we need to tell people (as I mentioned above) to keep it to a dull roar. But when we see someone pointed in the right direction, and heading in the right direction, as you suggest this brother is, the best thing you can do is to not get in the way, and encourage him from the sidelines.

God is patient with my sin, and with your sin, so we can be patient with his sin. Assuming of course that he can learn how to behave in mixed company.

Anonymous asked: I was addicted to porn for a good six, almost seven, years of my life. I’ve grown closer to the Lord and moved past that addiction alongside Him, but my thoughts constantly move toward my future relationships. I guess my question is … how would I go about telling my future husband? My mentor told me that I should only tell him if I know that we’re in love, but how would I even start that conversation? And when?

Unka Glen answered: To be sure, all have a past, and we all have things that should remain fairly private, until we know we’re in a safe environment to share those details.

But let’s make one thing clear. No two perfect, pure, or completely holy people ever got married. It’s one sinner marrying another one, every time. It would be laughable to compare and see who was the less sinful. Sin is sin, there is no degree or category. Sin is the great equalizer. We all fall short, and we all need forgiveness (Romans 3:23). Thus, we have no right to judge each other (Romans 14:4).

So what do you tell the very lucky man who will become your husband?

1) I am more than a conquerer (Romans 8:37). You tell your man  that you conquered a life-controlling addiction. God gave you the strength, but you woke up every day, and you chose to live in that strength one more day, despite everything pulling you the other way. By overcoming this addiction, you have become strong in a way most people aren’t. 

All other challenges in your life will likely be smaller than this one, so you already know how to beat anything that comes your way. You’ve been there, overcame that. You tell your future husband to hit his knees and thank God Almighty that he has a believer by his side that can stand firm against any attack.  

2) I’m not ashamed of my past. “As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame’” (Romans 10:11). You tell your man that you will boast of your weakness (2 Corinthians 11:30), because, where overcoming strength appears in the midst of our weakness, we see the very fingerprints of God Himself. Your past is your testimony, it’s your witness to the glory of God.

3) I am forgiven in love. You tell your man that God loves you enough to send His Son to die for you. Those sins were paid in full. You tell this fella that holding your past against you would not be the act of a loving Christian, and that he is, in fact, asking God to hold his past sins against him. “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:2).

And now a brief message to men who would hold a woman’s past against her:

You suck.

No really, you truly suck. I say this in love, brother, you not only don’t deserve this lovely, forgiven woman who stands before you, but you don’t deserve anyone, anywhere, anytime. Because, seriously… you suck.

So, what, you think you’ve sinned less than this gal, and what, that means you get to look down on her? Did you just commit the small, relatively meaningless sins then? Is that it? I’d like to see a list of those sins! Jesus said, about a woman caught in sexual sin, “those without sin, cast the first stone”. Those murderously judgmental dudes had the good sense to drop their rocks and clear off, but you look like you might actually be willing to throw that stone. 

I’d like to hear you explain all this to the man who was whipped, mocked, and humiliated on a cross for your “little” sins. Go on, tell him how “pure” you are.

This young woman before you hasn’t lived a perfect life, and you know what? Neither have you. So get over yourself. The more we overcome, the stronger we are in Christ. This gal has overcome a lot, so maybe you just aren’t man enough to see, or handle, what you’ve got. But don’t worry, there’s a better looking dude right behind you that has all this worked out, so it’s time for you to kick rocks, baby brother. And on your way out, apologize to the nice lady for wasting her time.

Anonymous asked: Dear Unka Glen, my boyfriend and I both have had on ongoing struggle with viewing pornography. I’ve recently stopped and committed the issue completely to God, falling onto His promises and Word whenever I feel temptation. My boyfriend, however, doesn’t seem to be trying as hard. He says it’s harder for him because he’s a man. Is it really true that boys have a harder time than girls? I told him that he has to stop regardless because it’ll hurt us both in the long run. No excuses.

Unka Glen answered: Unless he’s been a woman, I’m wondering… how he would know that it’s supposedly easier for women? Sure, in fairness, male sexuality is different in plenty of ways, and that does present certain significant challenges. But rising up to those challenges is meant to make us stronger and more in control of ourselves, not less. 

Making changes in our lifestyle is much harder than most people think. How many people do you know, who lost weight, and never put it back on? What about people who join a gym, and still go there every week? People struggle to make and keep changes, and excuse-makers, well, they have no chance.

The only way to succeed, is to take the route that you’re taking: relying on God. Will power won’t work. Fear, shame and guilt are just emotions that burn off and leave us in the same place where we started. You’re right to say “no excuses”. If he falls off after hearing that, he isn’t worthy of you. If he rises to the occasion, he’ll thank you for dealing with this like a strong woman of God, and calling forth a strength from God, that he didn’t even know he had.

Anonymous asked: Hi Uncle Glen. I’d really love your advice on this. I am currently in the process of being engaged. I say process because he is seeking the blessing of my parents first, and we are also going through pre-marital counseling through our church before we move forward. However, my soon-to-be fiancee has a struggle with porn. We pray about it and we work together about it, but sometimes he relapses. And, I know it’s silly, but sometimes it does hurt emotionally, as I go through the “am I not enough for him?” thoughts. I suppose I am simply asking what you would advise I do, as I’m afraid that it will be a hardship on our marriage. However, I am more than willing to work with him on this, and he’s more than willing to work on it as well.  [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: I admire your patience, and understanding, and both will serve you well in your upcoming marriage. God is patient and understanding with us, so we should be willing to do the same for our spouses. In this case, when you’re dealing with any kind of sin that’s habitual and a regular part of one’s lifestyle, then you’re bound to have to try a few different strategies in defeating it, before it gets fully dealt with. And for sure all of that should be shared with your marriage counselor, so there’s accountability and help on this issue.

HOWEVER, it needs to be super-clear to your fiancé, that this behavior will stop, and trust will be built up over a period of time, before the ring will go on your finger. It’s one thing to struggle with this sin when you’re lonely and worried you’ll never find someone to marry, it’s another thing to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and still be lacking in control. 

Understanding is good, but he also needs to hear a bit of the fierceness of a real woman of God on the issue. You can be patient with someone who’s giving it their all, but you should make dang sure he’s giving it his ALL. And I’m not talking about feeling sorry for himself either, I’m talking about going to God and figuring out what the deal is, then getting God’s strength to follow through on this change.

And as his future (and we trust) only sex partner, there’s nothing silly at all about feeling offended by this behavior.  Your fiancé should get the message: don’t mistake my kindness for weakness, you will pinch this behavior off, now and forever. All of this is part of your past, and you better get used to the idea of living without it forever.

Finally, take your time. This problem will take time to solve, and building a bit of trust will take time as well. And there’s no need to rush that process at all. People who can’t set and keep boundaries are not ready for marriage. However, given how much you love him, and believe in him, it’s worth giving him some time and the opportunity to show that he can hold to the commitments that he makes.

Anonymous asked: What are your thoughts on watching romantic comedies? I’ve heard it being compared to porn for girls. Thank you :) 

Unka Glen answered: You know what’s like porn? Porn. You know what’s not like porn? Everything else. Yes, there is sort of an alternate definition of porn, where you might say anything that makes you crave something is porn. Cooking shows are food porn, fashion magazines are clothes porn, Automotive catalogs are car porn, and so on. 

So one could make the point that watching movies and TV shows about romantic relationships, would make you want to have them. And of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting food, clothes, transportation, or relationships. Sure, one has to control those desires carefully. That is to say, if you’re on a diet, you’re better off not watching your favorite food show.

One could turn this into a smart statement by making a bit of a parallel point, along these lines: if all you know about sex is what you’ve learned from watching porn, and if all you know about dating relationships is what you’ve learned from watching romantic comedies, you are still dangerously clueless.

But this, of course, begs the question— where am I supposed to learn about dating relationships? Well, believe it or not, some Christians will tell you that you don’t need to know about dating, and you shouldn’t even watch movies about dating, because that leads to wanting to date, and wanting to date leads to, well, dating… and then supposedly something horrible and tragic happens.

Some young people buy into this and are thrust into marriages, having NO CLUE. No idea how to communicate, negotiate, confront, cooperate, or be understanding. They’re often sexually clueless and confused as well. And I’m describing this based on my personal experience of counseling young Christian couples.

The result is often divorce or permanently crippled marriages, unless you can find a very skilled and patient marital counselor (because you’re going to be starting from zero). And of course both sides have to commit to figuring things out, when they’re both resentful about having followed all the strict made-up rules, only to discover that these human rules were not some kind of recipe for a fairy tale marriage.

Let’s look at an example to illustrate the problem: imagine I take a person and keep them isolated from other people, so that this person is not able to make friends. And I tell this person to wait until they’re in their mid-twenties, and then I say, okay go make a single best friend for life. How do you think that might turn out? Do you think it would help if I never let this person watch any movies about friendship?

Point blank: you learn about relationships by having them.

I guarantee you, most married people my age would tell you they learned how to be a decent husband or wife by making a thousand of silly dating mistakes when they were high-school kids. And we all learned what kind of relationships to avoid by having some of those silly mistakes directed at us. For sure, you can learn a lot about dating from a good pastor or mentor who can teach you how to manage relationships, but there’s still so much we need to discover for ourselves.

Here’s the main thing: being smart about relationships is one of the most important things in your life. Because God is not offering a way to be right with Him through rules or rituals or the latest ideas floating around the Christian bookstore, indeed He isn’t telling you to follow the rules at all.

(Twenty times in the gospels), Jesus says: follow ME.

Jesus said our relationship with the Father is like a son who takes his inheritance and spends it all on wild living and then returns (Luke 15:11-32), he said it’s like a friend knocking on your door at midnight (Luke 11:5-13), he said it’s like a bridesmaids waiting for a groom (Matthew 25:1-13). He’s using family relationships, friendships, and a marriage to describe how our relationship with Him works. 

Of course, it’s meant to work the other way as well, the more you learn and grow in your relationship with God, the more you learn about how to be a better friend, employee, or spouse. I’m patient with my wife when I realize how awesomely patient God is with me, for example. Christians don’t avoid making relationships, they learn how to manage them to bring glory to the Lord.  

Anonymous asked: Hey Unka Glen. We my boyfriend and I are both Christians, and this is the first time either one of us has been in a relationship focused on God. We both have had past relationships that were sexually immoral, this one is not (praise God). He told me the other night he had a slip up with masturbating and watching porn. He asked my forgiveness, and he just felt horrible like he cheated on me. How should a Godly lady react?

Unka Glen answered: I think you ought to look at his reaction to the stumble more than the stumble itself. And I think you should pay careful attention to the way he characterizes the nature of the stumble. So, for example, he characterizes this as similar to cheating on you, and that’s just true enough to be plausible, but it doesn’t fit just enough so that you’d be inclined to be Christian about it, and tell him you forgive him, and to stop beating up on himself. 

Everybody’s feeling bad, but so far nobody is taking responsibility for getting things on track.

This is different from him saying, “you and I set limits and boundaries in this relationship, and I showed that I’m not capable of maintaining those boundaries, and here is what I’m going to do to change my patterns of behavior, and here is what I’m going to do to gain your trust back. You deserve better, and I won’t rest until you have better.”

This kind of response, one that involves taking responsibility, is a LONG way from him telling you how horrible he feels. If he’s making things worse, we don’t need to hear how bad it makes him feel, when you mess up, it’s about the other person’s feelings.

Now, make no mistake, I don’t think you should be harsh with a guy who is working (as you both are) to have a totally different kind of relationship than you’ve ever had before. As such his deep regret is appropriate and relevant. And mistakes and stumbles are bound to occur, thus you should be understanding of him and the situation (regardless of what you decide to do next).

But it sounds like (from just a few details here) he’s mourning the stumble more than he’s taking responsibility for rolling up his sleeves and making changes. 

If feeling really bad over our sins was a cure, a lot of us would be practically sinless by now.

Anonymous asked: What about females that struggle with lust, pornography, and masturbation? I feel like it’s such a downplayed problem in our society and in our churches, but I know it’s a very real problem for me, and as a woman, I feel like there are limited resources out there. What would you say to a woman who struggles with this temptation/issue?

Unka Glen answered: I’d say that you’re not alone. I get just as many messages and prayer requests from women struggling with pornography as I do from men. CNN reports: “In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment websites was female; during the same period, nearly 13 million American women were checking out porn online at least once each month.”

It bears mentioning that this is a relatively new trend, and the internet has a lot to do with that. If it means anything, I’ve mentioned this issue with every pastor I’ve talked with in the past six months. So hopefully the awareness is increasing. 

But let’s make a few things clear, the theology and spirituality of all this works the same with women, as with men. God gives us a sex drive, and He gives us wise instructions on how to operate it. We tend to ignore that, screw it up (no pun intended… well maybe a little), and then we end up turning back to God and trying it His way. And speaking for myself, wow, yeah, do it His way. Like everything else in the Kingdom, it’s really tough at first, but then things get really awesome. 

Sex, and the desire for it, isn’t dirty— it’s beautiful, natural, and God given. There is nothing weird or abnormal about you having a curiosity about sex, to have a sexual imagination/fantasy life, and to take matters into your own hands (okay, that was intended). Things may take a wrong turn, but this is a very common occurrence, I assure you.

I’m not sure most Christians know where to rank their sexual imperfections and struggles, because they tend to really fixate on them in a way that often eclipses all other considerations in their walk. So let’s make sure we aren’t wallowing in guilt and shame on this thing, and we FOR SURE need to stop portraying masturbation as some kind of all-consuming evil. Because dang.

Having said all that, I think every church should have a women’s group that meets to talk about sexual struggles, including rape/molestation issues, and sexual appetite/changing sexual lifestyle issues. I think women need to be empowered to heal each other on this stuff, and I spend many hours training the ladies in my own inner-city ministry to do just that for each other. 

Final note: ask yourself, am I using porn as a sort of “boost” when I’m feeling bad towards myself? Am I using porn when I feel lonely and unloved? Am I using porn to change my mood off of something negative? If so, then I think, rather than getting all negative and upset about the porn, why not ask yourself a simple question: am I using the best tool for the job? (See, now you think I’m intending puns all over the place).

There is a better cure for low-self esteem and loneliness, and plenty of better ways to change your mood and outlook. Porn is just the easiest way, the most readily available way. But it isn’t the most effective way. That means you’re cheating yourself out of a better life, all for want of going to God and telling Him, “I want what’s real, and lasting, I want what’s pure and true, I need pleasures beyond the physical, I need pure uncut 100% angelic joy filling me up to overflowing until it’s pouring out of my life and into everyone else’s around me! And I need it right now!”

God wants you to have the real stuff. If you’re running short, that’s on you, buttercup.