Unka Glen

ashpashbash asked: Hey Unka Glen! :) So I’ve forgiven my ex, and we kinda sorta decided to be friends (I guess :/) but I feel like I’m still hurting as much as I did a month ago (it’s been 2 months). Honestly, I feel like a fool because I haven’t moved on yet, but I’ve prayed, I’ve encouraged myself with scripture, but I feel the same: broken, hurt and rejected. What else can I do to move on? I really want to move on, and prepare for the man God has for me.

Unka Glen answered: You’re no fool. Passionate, loving people like yourself can’t just flip a switch and turn off their feelings. It’s normal and expected to have a time of mourning and pain on this stuff. As part of that process, I think you should seriously question how this breakup makes you feel about yourself. Relationships are a two-person dynamic. Rarely is only one person totally to blame. That means that relationship failure is a group failure.

Also, it’s worth looking at how this breakup has shaken you in ways it shouldn’t. Yes, you should feel sad, hurt, and grieved in certain ways, but broken, rejected and foolish is another thing. It’s worth asking yourself: in what ways you were asking this guy to fill spaces in your life that only God can fill? God is your solid rock, nobody else should be giving you a stronger sense of who you are.

But moving forward, I see a lot of corny stuff on Tumblr about “letters to my future husband”, etc., and you know what? Sometimes corny gets the job done. You mention wanting to prepare yourself for your future husband (which is awesome by the way). and I think starting a journal or just writing out letters to your future man can help. 

Begin to imagine the possibilities for this relationship, begin to set your sights for how good it can be, develop your romantic side, and set up an accountability to a relationship even before it exists. Think big. View your past as a good lesson in what was simply not good enough. Imagine how amazing it can be, and then remember that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than all we can ask, or even imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

myprayerintheharvest asked: I guess I get concerned about dating because I’ve never dated anyone or even had any boy like me! haha Am I overreacting? I’m about to graduate high school, and I don’t even know if I’m in the right place to have a relationship. The idea of being in a relationship kind of scares me. How do I know if I’m ready, if there was a potential relationship? [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well first of all, how do you know that no boys have liked you? Sometimes guys have feelings they don’t act on, or maybe they’re just getting over a rough breakup, and they aren’t ready to date. The ways of love are a mystery, I tell ya.

But when you say “the idea of being in a relationship kinda scares me”, it makes me wonder what you’ve been told about relationships. You know that this isn’t like operating a nuclear power plant, right? Mistakes get made, hearts get broken, lessons get learned, but it’s not quite on the scale of a thermonuclear meltdown. Your love life will almost certainly not wipe out a medium-sized Ukrainian town.

But you ask a good question: how do you know when you’re ready? If you’re emotionally ready, you’ve dealt with insecurity (which is simply poison to relationships), fear (especially fear of loneliness and desperation, these are terrible reasons to start a relationship), and horniness driven decision making (to be fair, horniness will always be there, but we just want to make sure it isn’t driving the bus).

If you’re spiritually ready, you’re ready to serve (someone is giving you their heart, and you’d better be ready to care for it), your needs are met in God (so you aren’t looking to this person to meet your needs) and you know how to put God first (thus He’s there to help guide the relationship).

But ultimately, asking if you’re ready to start a relationship is a bit like asking if you’re ready to start riding a bicycle. Little that has come before can prepare you. And yes, there will be scrapes, crashes, and eventually some wobbly progress. But there is a vast difference between being new to something, and being bad at it. Remember that.

If your mental and spiritual health are solid, and you have the courage, then by all means, you’re ready, but the real question is: where will you point this relationship bicycle? Where will it go? What will it do? What Godly purpose could it serve? Point this relationship towards giving glory to the Lord, and everything else will fall into place.

Anonymous asked: Thanks Uncle Glen for being so open all the time, it’s rare :)  Do you think it’s right to repress romantic feelings because of the high percentage of high school relationships that don’t last?

Unka Glen answered: In a word: no. It’s not okay to repress romantic feelings because of the odds. There’s only one way to be romantic: all the way. Vulnerability is essential. Heartbreak is inevitable. Thrills and chills and flushed cheeks and a pounding heart are all an exciting part of being young and discovering what kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Trust me, learning how to be smart about relationships is as important as learning anything else in life.

Now, should you be realistic? Sure. You can use your head at the same time as you use your heart. We tend to use only one at a time, but there’s nothing that prevents them from working together. In fact, this is the right place to get your spirit working in concert with both your heart and your mind. Your heart may want to take you galloping off into the wild unknown of a sketchy relationship, and your head may be telling you that you need to slow down and be careful, but God may reveal to you though your spirit that you’re looking for this relationship to fulfill things within you that only God can fulfill. 

So even in situations where your heart would lead you off in the wrong direction, by knowing your heart’s desire, and having a steady mind, and an in-tune spirit, you can learn a valuable truth about yourself. By repressing your heart, you learn nothing. And when you do eventually begin having more serious relationships, and you start a marriage, you’ll be entering an entire landscape that’s foreign to you.

Romantic relationships go wrong in adolescence when young people mistake drama for meaning. If your life has a certain amount of meaning, you’ll have little interest in any drama anywhere. If your life lacks meaning, and you’re using drama as a substitute, you’re not on a righteous or healthy path, and you aren’t ready to have adult relationships. Romantic relationships involve intense and overwhelming emotions, if you aren’t ready for that (for whatever reason, at whatever age), then it’s okay to sit on the sidelines awhile. 

Take your time, go slow, every phase of life has it’s own unique joys and challenges. Be mindful, and be prayerful, but love with your whole heart. Love as if this is the last person you’ll ever love, no matter what the odds say. Be bold, be creative, share verses, give little gifts that you made for each other, be corny, go on picnics, hold hands, volunteer for something together, meet each other’s grandparents, eat cupcakes, have a favorite song, study together, go for long walks, and at the end of the night, give a sweet little innocent kiss on the cheek. 

abigailace asked: I’ve been dating this guy for a month. I enjoy spending time with him, and he’s great, but I just don’t feel that SPARK, ya know? And I don’t know if it’s just too early or if I’m overanalyzing or what, but I’m not sure if he’s right for me. The thing is, he’s convinced that I am THE girl of his dreams. He’s told me that he isn’t attracted to other girls anymore, and hints towards marriage. My fellowship girls say I’m overreacting, but I’m not so sure. I’ve been prayerful, but am still confused.

Unka Glen answered: As a couple, sometimes there’s a tendency to overreact one way, when we feel someone is overreacting the other way. It sounds like he may be getting a little ahead of himself, and maybe part of you feels like you need to put on the brakes. In truth, you don’t need to do that, you shouldn’t let the fear of giving him false hope influence your thinking. 

It takes a little time to shift the gears and get used to a new relationship. If you really like the guy, and feel like there’s a chance it could grow into something, there’s every reason to stick with it. Also, I think it’s worth figuring out why you feel that spark is missing. If it isn’t the fear, or the newness of the relationship, then maybe there’s a lack or romance, and that’s certainly a fixable problem.  

But in the end, the spark is either there or it isn’t. Give yourself the chance to take an honest emotional inventory. Pray and ask the Lord to take away all the pressures, and give yourself a chance to see how YOU feel about it. Prayer often helps us see our desires and motives in a way we never saw them before. If there’s no spark, do what you have to do (and do it sooner rather than later), but don’t throw something away, just as a response to that external pressure. 

If there’s love there, give it room to grow. Don’t let all the little worries of life choke out romance and passion and spark.

Anonymous asked: There’s this guy that I have been hanging out with a lot lately, and I think he likes me. Actually, I know he likes me, and I think he’s going to do something about it… and I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that. I really do like him, but I don’t want to get involved with someone if I don’t think they’re right for me. I guess I’m just conflicted and was wondering what you think I should do?

Unka Glen answered: When you’re dealing with a situation, where a guy comes along, who you like, who might not for some unknown reason be right for you, and he asks you out, the first thing is to start digging a hole, the deeper the better, and then start pouring concrete, until you’ve got yourself an underground bunker. 

That way you’ll be protected from potentially bad boyfriends, nuclear blasts, the giant mutant insects that rise up from the nuclear blast, and of course the zombie apocolypse. Now, I know what you’re thinking, there’s one big obvious problem with digging a hole in the ground and hiding away from the world—you’re basically leaving yourself wide open in the event of an underground Mole-Man uprising. But let’s face it, if the Mole-Men decide to invade our surface world, we’re all pretty much screwed.

…Or you could just say yes and see what happens.

You know how the plot to basically every romantic movie is the guy, or more often two guys, are crazy about the girl, but the girl just isn’t quite sure what to do? And he chases her for the whole movie, and then she finally relents in the end? This is, um, not romantic from the male point of view. This hesitant and uncertain vibe isn’t a good or healthy way to enter relationships. A woman of God is decisive.

You’ve got a heart, and you’ve got a head. Use them both. Fully. Let your heart get carried away. Let it take you to places where you might get disappointed and hurt, let it feel all the passion, and joy, and fluttery excitement of romance. To do anything less would be to cheat yourself.

But your head needs to be very clear at the exact same time. And here is where prayer comes in. Praying to get a sense of what you should expect, where your boundaries are, and how you should act, is essential. So, for example, if you get cold and he gives you his jacket, your heart should feel excited because it’s a romantic gesture, but your head should make note that he did a good job of paying attention and being sensitive.

Let’s say he says, “you smell like strawberries, and you look nice, and I like talking to you, and I don’t know how to act right now, and I’d like to kiss you, but I’m trying to wait on that until it’s the right time, even though I’m worried I won’t know when that right time will be, and man, you are so pretty.” 

Well, this ain’t exactly Shakespeare, but your heart should tell you that he’s doing HIS best, and he really means what he says, so you should be flattered. Furthermore, your head should be telling you that he’s man enough to push past shyness and cluelessness, even if he does need a little work here and there, and that says a lot about his character.

You may find in due time, when you pray about his behavior and his attitude, that he just isn’t a good fit for you. But you have to spend some time getting that information. And we invented a system where we get to know the person by spending time with them while also having complete freedom to end that relationship before things go seriously wrong. We call this thing dating. Give it a try.

ferguson19274 asked: I’ve heard the phrase “guard your heart” used a few times around my church, and the other day I realized that I don’t really know what it means. So far as I can guess, it has something to do with making sure your level of emotional attachment matches up with your level of commitment in the relationship, but I suspect there might be more. Your thoughts? Gracias.

Unka Glen answered: De nada, sobrino. The phrase “guard your heart” comes from scripture, but as we shall see, it isn’t always applied correctly. First, the verses— from Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”, and from Philippians 4:7 “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”.

Well, there isn’t much there about dating. But if you were to apply this Biblical idea of “guarding one’s heart” to dating relationships, that would basically lead you to the concept of boundaries within relationships.

The simple idea there is that you can, and should, protect yourself from unnecessary pain and abuse by setting healthy emotional boundaries. So for example, you decide that things like namecalling, manipulations, and game-playing are unacceptable emotional lines to cross, and when those lines are crossed, those relationships change, and in some cases, they end. Similarly you set sexual/physical boundaries, and spiritual boundaries as well.

These boundaries should be set by praying through what God says is acceptable, and not acceptable, for you. This would embody the Biblical concept of guarding one’s heart, and many, including myself, have used this verse in this way, to point to the need for healthy boundaries within people’s lives.

Is prayerful boundary-setting what the people in your church are referring to? Well…  probably not. There has, in recent Christian culture, emerged a rather odd, poorly thought-out notion, that when you fall in love with someone romantically, that you give them “pieces of your heart”, and you have to guard yourself against doing that, lest you have no pieces of heart left over to give to your eventual spouse. 

Given a just few moments to think about it, we see that this simply isn’t how love works. A mother loves her child with all she has, and when she has a second child, she doesn’t find that she has less of her heart to give, she finds that her heart has expanded, and that God fills her heart with more and more love, as she pours it out. 

Our experiences, even our failures, help us to grow, becoming wiser and better prepared for our eventual spouse. Also, in all fairness, as I’ve mentioned before, one of those people who helped promote these poorly-thought-out ideas on dating, Joshua Harris, has worked to distance himself from those ideas, and considering that he was single, young, and not an experienced marital counselor when he wrote about dating and marriage, I think it’s fair to cut him that slack.

When it comes to managing relationships, you’re going to hear a lot that’s designed to make you afraid, as a way of keeping you in line (or keep you away from relationships altogether). But in the long run, fear isn’t a useful substitute for wisdom. The whole point of knowing where those boundaries are, is being able to relax once you’re within them, and HAVE FUN. Within those boundaries, you should be passionate, romantic, and fearless. 

notsuperman-walkalongsideme asked: Hey Unka Glen! Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us! My problem is this: I know (in my head at least!) that now is not the time for me to be in a relationship. I still have a lot of growing in God to do before I’m ready for that. But, there’s this guy at my church who I kinda have a thing for. And he’s on the worship team. And every time I see him it seems I find another reason to like him. How do I stop thoughts about him (and guys in general) from consuming my mind? I’m stuck!

Unka Glen answered: Well, it’s hard not to be crazy about cute boys, especially when they tell everyone that they like you on a big TV show and then they save your life from other teenagers who are trying to murder you because they’re… hungry (?). Well, ya know, like guys often do. 

Ultimately there’s nothing wrong with getting that fluttery feeling in your stomach, and that flushed face, that racing heartbeat, and that tightness in your throat, (no wonder they call it love-sick, huh?). That’s all part of the spice of life. And crushing on a solid Christian guy is certainly a good place to start having crushes. However, as you point out, a blessing you aren’t ready for isn’t a blessing at all.

So where does that leave us? First, let’s not shut off our passionate, romantic side just yet. It’s good to have something specific to picture when you’re working towards a goal. You can say, “when I’m ready, these are the kind of guys I’m going to date, and it’s going to be awesome, so that’s why I’m working so hard on things with the Lord right now.”

Second, lets make sure that these desires stay in the “wouldn’t it be nice” zone, as opposed to the “I’ve got to have this right now” zone. The real key there is to remind yourself that relationships with the opposite sex are at their best when you have two relatively balanced, whole, and healthy people in them, as opposed to thinking of a future relationship with a boy as the solution to your current emotional problems.

Romantic relationships are not meant to be a cure for: loneliness, emptiness, low self-esteem, poor body image, envy, sorrow, or depression. Sure, good relationships may keep a lot of that stuff at bay, but if you look for your relationships to do all that for you, instead of you doing the work, you’re really just using the other person. And that ain’t cool. And it sure ain’t love.

Finally, sit down with a parent or mentor, and look at what you need to work on in order to be ready for dating. List it out. Yes, in the end you want to make sure you get a green light from the Lord, and not just go by the list, but I find that most tasks look smaller on paper than they feel in my head. Also it helps to have a physical list to go by, as opposed to going by your glands and hormones.

In the end, I pray you find your place of readiness soon, and that your future is full of fluttering stomachs and blushes and good guys with swoopy hair-dos who love Jesus and know how to treat a woman and picnics and holding hands and adorable cupcakes. 

ashpashbash asked: Hey Unka Glen! So I’ve been following your blog for quite some time (which is awesome, and extremely encouraging!…your podcasts are awesome too!) So anyways, Question: I was with a guy who was supposedly my best friend, and we were together for 2 years. He ended up breaking up with me twice, lying to me, and just really hurting me. He really had me thinking he was gonna marry me. I’m trying to move on, but I keep thinking I won’t be good enough for any guy, and nobody will accept me. Help please? :)

Unka Glen answered: Okay, normally I try to go easy on the vocabulary because dang, life is short. But in this case, I’m going to give you a simple way of looking at this stuff, and it does involve a little vocab. When someone does something negative, abusive, or hurtful, you have two options— to internalize it or externalize it.

To internalize that negative behavior is to blame yourself, to point to yourself as the cause of that behavior. To say, if I had only been different, he wouldn’t have been the way he was. To externalize this negative behavior is to say that he acted the way he did because there’s something wrong with him. You just happened to wander into the path of his dysfunction, and it didn’t matter who you were, and how you acted, he was going to do what he did, because he has some issue that’s driving his behavior. And that issue is external to your life, and thus out of your control.

I say all that to say this, you’re clearly internalizing this thing, and I’ll bet that when you read my description of externalizing it, you heard the ring of truth in those words. As believers, we need to look at our behavior, and take responsibility for our behavior, even if the relationship is going along fine. You can be acting terrible, and the person you’re with might be fine with it. We seek to have God reveal our shortcomings and our faults, even when there is no breakup, perhaps especially when there’s no breakup.

But by the same token, as believers, we are aware that the people in our lives need to take responsibility for their behavior. We don’t carry the sins of those around us on our back. Somebody else already did that, and He doesn’t need your help. When people screw up around us, that’s on them. Even if all this was your fault, the right thing would have been to break up with you gently, confront you with the problem you need to work on, and then wait a respectful amount of time before starting another relationship. That didn’t happen here, so you know this isn’t all about you.

Sure, it’s human nature to blame yourself at least a little for things like this, but that’s where we go to the Lord, lay that on the altar, and we thank Him for a clean slate to start from, and a bright new day, and solid, cute guys who love Jesus and know how to be.