Unka Glen

wakeup-sleeper asked: Hey Unka Glen! I’ve been dating this incredible guy for a few months now and things have been great for us. He’s preparing to leave for seminary in a few weeks, so our time together has been pretty limited. Recently, a friend (We’ll call him Ed) has been asking about hanging out since I have some free time on my hands. While we never dated, Ed and I had a bit of a romantic history between us. My boyfriend knows about this and has been perfectly accepting of our friendship since Ed is one of my best friends. Ed is now in a relationship of his own with a girl that lives on the other side of the nation, so they rarely see each other and he’s wanting a friend to hang out with. 

I talked to my boyfriend about seeing Ed, and all he said was that he “needs for me to be happy too” and that he doesn’t want to keep me away from friends. I know that he’s not comfortable with the idea and I cannot blame him. Honestly, the idea of seeing Ed makes me nervous because he never pressed to see me until he found out about my boyfriend leaving. I want to make my boyfriend happy and do everything to make him comfortable. I know relationships include sacrifices, so I want to know something: should I stay away from Ed to avoid upsetting my boyfriend, or should I go see my friend and enjoy his company?!

Unka Glen answered: So let me read that back to you… a guy you used to be romantic with, found out that your respective significant others are far away, and he wants to hang out, just the two of you, and you feel a little funny about that, and you’re wondering if you should go with your gut. I’d say yes, go with your gut on this one.

We all appreciate that Ed may have the best and most innocent of intentions, but one presumes that Ed has male friends with which he can hang. In the long run, having cross-gender friendships is nice, but not really necessary, and those relationships tend to be a bit fleeting. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with Ed, or your friendship, but things change, and relationships have to roll with those changes. 

As the Bible points out, there are plenty of things in life that are permissable, but not all of those things lead to positive outcomes. As 1 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Just because something is technically legal doesn’t mean that it’s spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I’d be a slave to my whims.” (MSG)

You’re passing through a time when friendships are the most important relationships you have, and you’re eventually entering a time when your spouse is by far the most important human relationship you have (your relationship with Christ being more important still). Working that transition can be tough, but for sure, putting your dating relationship above your cross-gender friendships makes good sense. 

You might also look at this as setting an example. You want your boyfriend to be careful about his interactions with his old romantic partners, and you want Ed to know that his girlfriend might not feel okay about this arrangement, so in many respects, you can help define smart boundaries for everyone. Maybe that just means having another friend around when Ed is there, maybe that’s simply telling Ed “no”, but your actions can help everyone make smart decisions. 

kbgrumbles asked: Unka Glen, you rawk. Just a heads up, in case you didn’t know. I was wondering if you had any tips on spiritual leadership; I’ve been elected Chaplain of my sorority for the upcoming year and while I’m super excited about it, I’m also super scared to drop the ball. Thanks!  (:

Unka Glen answered: Ya know, I always suspected, but it’s still good to have confirmation, that I do indeed rawk. Let me give you three key principles that will help keep you relevant and on-target in reaching out to any of your friends, in any situation. 

1. Lots of listening. If you followed me around while I ministered to people on my mission field, you’d see me do more listening than talking, for sure. The more I listen, the more I understand, and the more I understand, the less I need to say, because I can zero-in on the root cause. Often you’ll hear something and think, “I don’t know what to say”. In that moment, don’t say anything, ask more questions and do more listening.

It’s okay to say, “I don’t have any idea what this is even about, but keep talking, and let’s keep looking at this thing from different angles, until we get some insight on it.” Just by you taking the time to listen, people will feel ministered to, and by you showing a deep interest in them, they’ll feel flattered. Don’t focus on having all the right answers, focus on having the right heart. And when you get stuck, ask for help. That’s what full-time ministry professionals do.

2. Earn the right to be heard. It’s an old cliche because it’s true: people don’t care what you know, until they know you care. People need to know that I don’t judge them, that I would never look down on them, and that I’m coming from a place of love. By the time I open my mouth, I want the other person to feel like I’ve truly earned their time and attention. If I haven’t earned it, I’m likely to keep my mouth shut until I do. 

3. Set them free. 2 Cor. 3:17b says, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” The Holy Spirit is drawing everyone to Himself, but something holds us back. If you find that obstacle and remove it, you’ve set them free to have a more intimate walk with the Lord. If you say, “you need to break up with that boy, because you have a sinful relationship”, well, that sounds judgmental, and far from setting someone free, it’s weighing them down with the burden of their guilt.

Jesus said, in Luke 11:46, “You experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.” So if we’re going to actually lift a finger to help this gal, we might decide that low self-esteem is the reason why she’s in this dysfunctional relationship with the guy. If you don’t address the self-esteem, then she’ll just move on to another bad relationship.

So you might say something like this, to address her self esteem: “you’re so amazing and special, and I hate to see you settle for anything less than what you deserve. When I look at you, I see someone who could have an epic life. Where you see caterpillar, I see butterfly. God looks at you and sees a princess He wants to bless. I wish you’d let God show you all the stuff He shows me about you.”

Set them free, and they’ll keep coming back for more, and they’ll tell their friends, too.  

Anonymous asked: Okay, so I have this awesome boyfriend and he loves God and treats me great. But, he lives literally on the other side of the nation. We work really hard at talking things out and being respectful and loving towards one another. As I said, we live way far apart and it has made it harder lately. We both want our relationship to grow and move forward but it is almost impossible to take big steps with the distance. Any advice?

Unka Glen answered: Indeed I do, let me give you one big thing to avoid, and one big thing to head toward. 

I’ll tell you the phrase that I think kills the most long distance relationships: “I miss you”. If you fill a lot of your conversations with “I wish you were here”, and “things would be different if we could be together”, you’re basically putting a negative spin on the entire setup, and blaming all your relational shortcomings on the distance. And since you can’t do anything about the distance, you’ve just made all your problems unsolvable. 

In end, it’s easy enough to say, “it’s awesome to hear your voice” as opposed to “I missed you today”. Too often people just get obsessed with the distance. And all that spirals down into jealousy, insecurity, petty drama, and 3 hour conversations about “what did you mean by that?”. The distance is a challenge, beat it and make yourselves stronger, or whine about it and watch it slowly circle the drain.

So what’s the big thing we want to move toward? It’s this: give this relationship something to do. You can read a chapter of a book and then talk about the chapter and what you learned, and you can even write questions for the other person (“what did you think about this thing he said on this page?”). You can start a blog about long distance Christian relationships together, taking turns on posts. There are so many cool possibilities. 

Most dating relationships suffer from too little talk, and too much kissing and making cow eyes at each other. Understand, there’s nothing wrong with the occasional vigorous tonsil boxing session, but it can sometimes take up a lot of the time couples spend together, then you end up getting married, and there’s a lot of. “I never knew you felt this way about that”. 

But this is the benefit of the distance you have between you, that it forces you to focus on building a spiritual and emotional intimacy, with few other distractions. Make the most of this time, it’s not a curse, it’s a challenge. When the love is real, distance can’t effect it. Real love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Real love never fails.

myprayerintheharvest asked: I guess I get concerned about dating because I’ve never dated anyone or even had any boy like me! haha Am I overreacting? I’m about to graduate high school, and I don’t even know if I’m in the right place to have a relationship. The idea of being in a relationship kind of scares me. How do I know if I’m ready, if there was a potential relationship? [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well first of all, how do you know that no boys have liked you? Sometimes guys have feelings they don’t act on, or maybe they’re just getting over a rough breakup, and they aren’t ready to date. The ways of love are a mystery, I tell ya.

But when you say “the idea of being in a relationship kinda scares me”, it makes me wonder what you’ve been told about relationships. You know that this isn’t like operating a nuclear power plant, right? Mistakes get made, hearts get broken, lessons get learned, but it’s not quite on the scale of a thermonuclear meltdown. Your love life will almost certainly not wipe out a medium-sized Ukrainian town.

But you ask a good question: how do you know when you’re ready? If you’re emotionally ready, you’ve dealt with insecurity (which is simply poison to relationships), fear (especially fear of loneliness and desperation, these are terrible reasons to start a relationship), and horniness driven decision making (to be fair, horniness will always be there, but we just want to make sure it isn’t driving the bus).

If you’re spiritually ready, you’re ready to serve (someone is giving you their heart, and you’d better be ready to care for it), your needs are met in God (so you aren’t looking to this person to meet your needs) and you know how to put God first (thus He’s there to help guide the relationship).

But ultimately, asking if you’re ready to start a relationship is a bit like asking if you’re ready to start riding a bicycle. Little that has come before can prepare you. And yes, there will be scrapes, crashes, and eventually some wobbly progress. But there is a vast difference between being new to something, and being bad at it. Remember that.

If your mental and spiritual health are solid, and you have the courage, then by all means, you’re ready, but the real question is: where will you point this relationship bicycle? Where will it go? What will it do? What Godly purpose could it serve? Point this relationship towards giving glory to the Lord, and everything else will fall into place.

Anonymous asked: Thanks Uncle Glen for being so open all the time, it’s rare :)  Do you think it’s right to repress romantic feelings because of the high percentage of high school relationships that don’t last?

Unka Glen answered: In a word: no. It’s not okay to repress romantic feelings because of the odds. There’s only one way to be romantic: all the way. Vulnerability is essential. Heartbreak is inevitable. Thrills and chills and flushed cheeks and a pounding heart are all an exciting part of being young and discovering what kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Trust me, learning how to be smart about relationships is as important as learning anything else in life.

Now, should you be realistic? Sure. You can use your head at the same time as you use your heart. We tend to use only one at a time, but there’s nothing that prevents them from working together. In fact, this is the right place to get your spirit working in concert with both your heart and your mind. Your heart may want to take you galloping off into the wild unknown of a sketchy relationship, and your head may be telling you that you need to slow down and be careful, but God may reveal to you though your spirit that you’re looking for this relationship to fulfill things within you that only God can fulfill. 

So even in situations where your heart would lead you off in the wrong direction, by knowing your heart’s desire, and having a steady mind, and an in-tune spirit, you can learn a valuable truth about yourself. By repressing your heart, you learn nothing. And when you do eventually begin having more serious relationships, and you start a marriage, you’ll be entering an entire landscape that’s foreign to you.

Romantic relationships go wrong in adolescence when young people mistake drama for meaning. If your life has a certain amount of meaning, you’ll have little interest in any drama anywhere. If your life lacks meaning, and you’re using drama as a substitute, you’re not on a righteous or healthy path, and you aren’t ready to have adult relationships. Romantic relationships involve intense and overwhelming emotions, if you aren’t ready for that (for whatever reason, at whatever age), then it’s okay to sit on the sidelines awhile. 

Take your time, go slow, every phase of life has it’s own unique joys and challenges. Be mindful, and be prayerful, but love with your whole heart. Love as if this is the last person you’ll ever love, no matter what the odds say. Be bold, be creative, share verses, give little gifts that you made for each other, be corny, go on picnics, hold hands, volunteer for something together, meet each other’s grandparents, eat cupcakes, have a favorite song, study together, go for long walks, and at the end of the night, give a sweet little innocent kiss on the cheek. 

Anonymous asked: I’ve lately prayed about having a relationship, and I think the Lord is saying to me it’s time. So I’ve had this girl in my field of vision for a while, and have gotten to know her fairly well, perhaps a little less so about her Christian maturity. I’ve being praying for opportunities to just hang, but more generally, let the Lord’s will be acted out in my life. What else can I pray for?

Unka Glen answered: Okay, I sense you really want to do this thing right, so let’s go next-level with it. In order to do that, you have to break out of the mold. You have the way the world dates, which is so sad, even they think it sucks. Then there’s Christian cultural ideas about dating, which these days is to “kiss it goodbye”, which is no help at all. And in both cases it’s all cookie-cutter advice that wasn’t designed for your exact situation.

I honestly think that if you think creatively, and continue in prayer, you might end up with something much better than all that. Start with the kind of relationship you want to end up with, and backtrack to where you are now. And right now, you aren’t sure if she’s right for a more serious dating relationship, and you kind of need to spend time with her, in something that might look suspiciously like a date, to get the information on whether or not to date her…

So what you need to pray for, is something NEW that will allow you to solve this particular challenge. Why not invent something that nobody has ever seen before, and be unique? Let me give you an example:

You: I’d like to take you out on a pre-date.   

Her: What’s that?

You: I dunno, I just made it up. Basically, I’d just like to talk and ask you all about yourself and what you like and what makes you smile and where you’d like to travel and where you see yourself in 5 years and whether you’re a dog person or a weirdo. I think you’re awesome, but who knows if we’re a good fit or not? So I figure I can give you a chance to get to know me too, and then you could decide if you’d want to say yes, if I were to ask you out. Basically, it’s an adventure. 

Her: And where are we going on this adventure? What are we doing?

You: I know a good waffle place. I want us to have waffles together.

Her: Why waffles?

You: Waffles are the most soothing of all diner-related foods. Plus it’s not like a big fancy high-pressure thing. It’s just waffles. And I’m buying, since this was my idea. So you can order as many waffles as you want, it’s all on me. You want chocolate syrup and whipped cream on yours? Then it shall be so.

Her: So what do I wear?

You: Well, it’s waffles, so… ya know, probably a taffeta evening gown. I dunno, I’m telling you, I’m making this up as I go along. Feel free to help me out and make up stuff on your end. Maybe we could pray a little when I come and pick you up? I just want the Lord in the middle of this thing. And I want to get to know all about you. And I want to have fun and be ourselves. I think from there, we’ll both know if we want to start dating for real. Meanwhile, I just want to Waffle Date you.

…Did I just invent Waffle Dating? Yep. Can you steal it? Hey, it’s your Uncle Glen here, of course you can. But the real point is, you should develop unique relationship strategies that allow you to reach your goal of building something that glorifies the Lord. This is essential once you get into marriage, so why not be unique from the start?

How about Laundromat Dating, where you do your laundry together? Delicates gently tumbling and intertwining on the spin cycle. Huh? Huh? Or Canoe Dating? You get to see if you can work together to achieve balance and unity. The possibilities are endless.

notsuperman-walkalongsideme asked: Hey Unka Glen! Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us! My problem is this: I know (in my head at least!) that now is not the time for me to be in a relationship. I still have a lot of growing in God to do before I’m ready for that. But, there’s this guy at my church who I kinda have a thing for. And he’s on the worship team. And every time I see him it seems I find another reason to like him. How do I stop thoughts about him (and guys in general) from consuming my mind? I’m stuck!

Unka Glen answered: Well, it’s hard not to be crazy about cute boys, especially when they tell everyone that they like you on a big TV show and then they save your life from other teenagers who are trying to murder you because they’re… hungry (?). Well, ya know, like guys often do. 

Ultimately there’s nothing wrong with getting that fluttery feeling in your stomach, and that flushed face, that racing heartbeat, and that tightness in your throat, (no wonder they call it love-sick, huh?). That’s all part of the spice of life. And crushing on a solid Christian guy is certainly a good place to start having crushes. However, as you point out, a blessing you aren’t ready for isn’t a blessing at all.

So where does that leave us? First, let’s not shut off our passionate, romantic side just yet. It’s good to have something specific to picture when you’re working towards a goal. You can say, “when I’m ready, these are the kind of guys I’m going to date, and it’s going to be awesome, so that’s why I’m working so hard on things with the Lord right now.”

Second, lets make sure that these desires stay in the “wouldn’t it be nice” zone, as opposed to the “I’ve got to have this right now” zone. The real key there is to remind yourself that relationships with the opposite sex are at their best when you have two relatively balanced, whole, and healthy people in them, as opposed to thinking of a future relationship with a boy as the solution to your current emotional problems.

Romantic relationships are not meant to be a cure for: loneliness, emptiness, low self-esteem, poor body image, envy, sorrow, or depression. Sure, good relationships may keep a lot of that stuff at bay, but if you look for your relationships to do all that for you, instead of you doing the work, you’re really just using the other person. And that ain’t cool. And it sure ain’t love.

Finally, sit down with a parent or mentor, and look at what you need to work on in order to be ready for dating. List it out. Yes, in the end you want to make sure you get a green light from the Lord, and not just go by the list, but I find that most tasks look smaller on paper than they feel in my head. Also it helps to have a physical list to go by, as opposed to going by your glands and hormones.

In the end, I pray you find your place of readiness soon, and that your future is full of fluttering stomachs and blushes and good guys with swoopy hair-dos who love Jesus and know how to treat a woman and picnics and holding hands and adorable cupcakes. 

ashpashbash asked: Hey Unka Glen! So I’ve been following your blog for quite some time (which is awesome, and extremely encouraging!…your podcasts are awesome too!) So anyways, Question: I was with a guy who was supposedly my best friend, and we were together for 2 years. He ended up breaking up with me twice, lying to me, and just really hurting me. He really had me thinking he was gonna marry me. I’m trying to move on, but I keep thinking I won’t be good enough for any guy, and nobody will accept me. Help please? :)

Unka Glen answered: Okay, normally I try to go easy on the vocabulary because dang, life is short. But in this case, I’m going to give you a simple way of looking at this stuff, and it does involve a little vocab. When someone does something negative, abusive, or hurtful, you have two options— to internalize it or externalize it.

To internalize that negative behavior is to blame yourself, to point to yourself as the cause of that behavior. To say, if I had only been different, he wouldn’t have been the way he was. To externalize this negative behavior is to say that he acted the way he did because there’s something wrong with him. You just happened to wander into the path of his dysfunction, and it didn’t matter who you were, and how you acted, he was going to do what he did, because he has some issue that’s driving his behavior. And that issue is external to your life, and thus out of your control.

I say all that to say this, you’re clearly internalizing this thing, and I’ll bet that when you read my description of externalizing it, you heard the ring of truth in those words. As believers, we need to look at our behavior, and take responsibility for our behavior, even if the relationship is going along fine. You can be acting terrible, and the person you’re with might be fine with it. We seek to have God reveal our shortcomings and our faults, even when there is no breakup, perhaps especially when there’s no breakup.

But by the same token, as believers, we are aware that the people in our lives need to take responsibility for their behavior. We don’t carry the sins of those around us on our back. Somebody else already did that, and He doesn’t need your help. When people screw up around us, that’s on them. Even if all this was your fault, the right thing would have been to break up with you gently, confront you with the problem you need to work on, and then wait a respectful amount of time before starting another relationship. That didn’t happen here, so you know this isn’t all about you.

Sure, it’s human nature to blame yourself at least a little for things like this, but that’s where we go to the Lord, lay that on the altar, and we thank Him for a clean slate to start from, and a bright new day, and solid, cute guys who love Jesus and know how to be.