Anonymous asked: If someone had had some kind of sexual trauma in their past, even if it wasn’t as severe as rape, and they now suffer panic attacks in any kind of physically intimate setting, or sometimes even the mention of any kind of physical intimacy, how does someone ever get past that? How do they handle it so that it’s not so severe that they doubt the wisdom of even being married someday? And if it isn’t, can’t be, or hasn’t been helped, is it fair to marry someone anyway?
Unka Glen answered: Well darlin’ what you have here is a full-on sexual dysfunction. One that requires professional help. And I’m talking about someone with a degree that relates to sexual psychology. And yes, people find healing on this stuff every day. Nothing is too hard for God.
In fact, I’ll give you a preview of what you’ll be working on in counseling: sexual assault is not about sex, it’s about power. And in relationships that are healthy, in the broadest possible sense, you have total control over what happens to your body. So healthy consensual sex doesn’t actually relate to the trauma you went through in a direct way.
Like many psychological problems, it’s about our brains drawing connections that really don’t exist.
Is it fair to marry someone with this level of dysfunction? Not even close, no. Within marriage you are meant to want sex, have lots of sex, and enjoy the heck out of the sex you’re having. In fact, let’s look at the goal that you’re shooting for when it comes to the purpose of married sex:
Sex is meant to build intimacy, and devotion to one another, as you explore each other’s bodies, learning what feels good to your partner, and then devoting yourself to their pleasure. You build vulnerability as you tell your partner what you like, and ask for it. Healthy marital sex makes you feel sexy and desirable and confident because of the affections of your partner.
Sex provides a natural release from stress. When I went from my usual work day of spending all day behind bars in a tense and dangerous environment, to my wife stopping me on my way out the door and us sharing a very generous marital moment, well, believe me, my ability to do quality ministry went to a whole new level. That’s teamwork right there.
Christian married people sex is supposed to be frequent, fun, and fresh. If it isn’t, it’s time to get counseling. Too often Christians think of sex as something that goes from bad (before marriage) to permissible (after marriage). But in truth, it goes from “good, but not the right time” to “an essential ingredient”.
You’re supposed to want that sexual future, and be excited about it, and look forward to it. If you don’t, right now is a good time to start working and praying on that.