Unka Glen

Anonymous asked: If someone had had some kind of sexual trauma in their past, even if it wasn’t as severe as rape, and they now suffer panic attacks in any kind of physically intimate setting, or sometimes even the mention of any kind of physical intimacy, how does someone ever get past that? How do they handle it so that it’s not so severe that they doubt the wisdom of even being married someday? And if it isn’t, can’t be, or hasn’t been helped, is it fair to marry someone anyway?

Unka Glen answered: Well darlin’ what you have here is a full-on sexual dysfunction. One that requires professional help. And I’m talking about someone with a degree that relates to sexual psychology. And yes, people find healing on this stuff every day. Nothing is too hard for God.

In fact, I’ll give you a preview of what you’ll be working on in counseling: sexual assault is not about sex, it’s about power. And in relationships that are healthy, in the broadest possible sense, you have total control over what happens to your body. So healthy consensual sex doesn’t actually relate to the trauma you went through in a direct way.

Like many psychological problems, it’s about our brains drawing connections that really don’t exist. 

Is it fair to marry someone with this level of dysfunction? Not even close, no. Within marriage you are meant to want sex, have lots of sex, and enjoy the heck out of the sex you’re having. In fact, let’s look at the goal that you’re shooting for when it comes to the purpose of married sex:

Sex is meant to build intimacy, and devotion to one another, as you explore each other’s bodies, learning what feels good to your partner, and then devoting yourself to their pleasure. You build vulnerability as you tell your partner what you like, and ask for it. Healthy marital sex makes you feel sexy and desirable and confident because of the affections of your partner.

Sex provides a natural release from stress. When I went from my usual work day of spending all day behind bars in a tense and dangerous environment, to my wife stopping me on my way out the door and us sharing a very generous marital moment, well, believe me, my ability to do quality ministry went to a whole new level. That’s teamwork right there.

Christian married people sex is supposed to be frequent, fun, and fresh. If it isn’t, it’s time to get counseling. Too often Christians think of sex as something that goes from bad (before marriage) to permissible (after marriage). But in truth, it goes from “good, but not the right time” to “an essential ingredient”. 

You’re supposed to want that sexual future, and be excited about it, and look forward to it. If you don’t, right now is a good time to start working and praying on that. 

Anonymous asked: Hey Unka Glen. It seems like every time I read about lust, it’s equated to any type of sexual desire that person has. It’s almost as if, as a single person, I can’t even feel horny without people saying that it’s lust. I know that I have to pray against it, but at the same time, I don’t want to get into the habit of automatically repressing any sexual desires. If I do, I’ll have trouble feeling sexual with my husband. Can you help?

Unka Glen answered: Now here is a smart question! You’ve just put your finger on a huge problem that young Christians are dealing with today. Young people are being told that repressing sexuality, and dating in general, will somehow automatically create the most awesome marriage possible! But if you think of sex as bad and dirty and something to be afraid of, then you’ll find it VERY difficult to one day see it as not only good, but an essential part of a healthy married relationship. 

God made sex to be beautiful, and special, and to feel good. He made it to be fun, and wild, and adventurous. He made it to build intimacy and vulnerability and devotion to one another. As Christians we control and sometimes limit ourselves sexually to make the most of our sex lives. 

All that is true. Here is another truth. Kids have sex. A lot. They have sex before they’re emotionally ready for it. They have sex before the relationship is there to support that level of intimacy. And worse, they’re all too often taking on the responsibility of raising a child when they can’t be responsible enough to use a condom.

Speaking on behalf of the adult world. We’d all like that to stop. We want you to recognize that sex is not a toy to play with, it doesn’t make you adult, it doesn’t work as glue to hold relationships together, and we really want you to wait on having kids until there’s a solid foundation to support that child. 

Unfortunately, this desire to stop all the unhealthy sex, and the pregnancies, has simply flipped some people out. They’re prepared to just straight up mess with your head to keep you off of one another. They’ll invent psychological conditions that don’t exist (soul ties) they’ll twist verses around (about guarding your heart), and they’ll call all sexual desires lust. Anything to stop the madness.

But this is a disrespectful way to treat people. 

I’m not agreeing with all this manipulation, because I respect you enough to believe that if I lay it all out well enough, and ask you to pray about it, that you are mature enough, and wise enough to make the right decision. 

So, at the end of the day, what is lust, really? The Biblical idea of lust (in Greek it’s epithumeo) is a desire that’s out of control. That is to say, Biblically speaking, you can lust over more than just sex. 

So it’s really quite simple, having sexual thoughts, sexual desires, and sexual feelings are not bad, but when that desire starts to consume you, THEN you have something you need to pray against. And yes, it’s worth noting that it can sometimes be an extremely short trip from desire to being overwhelmed.

Sexual stuff is an awesome part of life, but you don’t want to let it take the steering wheel.

Anonymous asked: So I’m dating this amazing, wonderful Christian guy, who stays off porn and we’ve set our boundaries and all of that. My question is, how can I overcome jealousy? I trust him 100% but it bothers me a lot that because of the world we live in, seeing girls in their underwear or bikinis or even nude is so common (especially at the movies) and I feel like my body, especially since I will never look like that, won’t be special or pleasing to him. Advice for overcoming this?

Unka Glen answered: Your man picked you. That should have been the final word on the subject of jealousy. And jealousy, as you may sense, comes from insecurity. And trust me when I say, when insecurity goes unchecked, you’ll find it to be pure poison to relationships. 

God does things between your body and his eyes. Magical things. Wonderful things. Miraculous things. Don’t question that, or over-think it, just thank God, and learn to rely on His help. Mmkay?

I get the sense that women tend to do a lot of analyzing. When another woman walks in the room, we’re making a mental list. She has: cooler clothes, bigger boobs, better purse, nicer hair… and so on. I get the sense that this information is gathered in almost an automatic way, and that it comes flooding in before we even decide what we think of the information. 

When you look at it that way, it’s hard NOT to be insecure. If you don’t like your body, you can look around all day, and a message is being broadcast to your brain: all these girls are better looking! But let me ask you this: so what? Do you need to have that body to get your guy? Nope. You got your guy with your body. Case closed. 

All this analysis seems to point in a certain direction: the more hot chicks there are for my man to see, the less chance I have of turning him on, and keeping him. Sounds dumb when I say it out loud, huh? You’ve got moves those gals never had to develop. All of which leads us to a few important facts we need to remember.

Fact #1 You don’t need to be jealous where there is no competition. Sure, your guy might think an actress is attractive, but he’s aware that a) he doesn’t have a shot with her, and b) she’s probably a bit of a weirdo anyway. Treat your man better than he has any right to expect, and if he’s tempted AT ALL, kick his crusty butt to the curb, and tell him a better looking guy is about to come along and be amazed at his stupidity.

Fact #2 It’s a total myth that all guys have one idea of beauty. Some guys are athletic, and they want a gal who is slim and trim so they can be athletic together. Other guys love curves and jiggles, and other guys, well, they just like big girls, period. As we say in Texas, “there’s a lid for every pot”. When you find that right fit, that’s that. Most of us guys look at fashion models and don’t get the appeal (it’s almost as if a lot of the men in the fashion world are gay…). 

Fact #3 (And I’m really giving you the secret sauce here) You know how, in the movies, women always play it cool, and guys are intrigued by that? Real life works the exact opposite way. A confident woman who shows her affections to a man becomes about a thousand times better looking to that man. “But I don’t wanna look desperate!” is the response of insecure women who are, in fact, almost always desperate. 

Fact #4 You don’t need to be nekkid to be sexy. When a woman smiles at a man in a certain way… wow. that’s something all the porn stars and lingerie models in the world can’t compete with. When she whispers something flirty in a guy’s ear. Mmm. All those images on computer screens can’t compete with a real flesh and blood woman, one who knows how to love deeper, because she is loved by God in the deepest way possible.

None of those other ladies can compete with you.

You’ll have to convince people, sooner or later. Yes, when you’re a student, your life is all about getting the right answer. And if you get the right answer, they HAVE to give you that grade. So you might be thinking that life is like that, I work and they have to pay me, eventually they have to give me bonuses, and promote me. But life doesn’t work that way.

The biggest struggle that young pastors have is facing the shock of leaving an academic environment, where it’s all about properly defending your point of view, and entering a world there they essentially need to convince people for a living. And more than a few pastors resist this transition, and try to live in a world where we as a congregation will accept whatever they preach, as long as they give us an adequate “proof”.

But the world just doesn’t make decisions that way. Make no mistake, people make decisions according to their deeply irrational heart, way more than according to their head, no matter what they tell you.

If you want a job, you’ll be convincing them to hire you, if you want to sell something on that job, you’ll need to convince people to buy it, and even if you do everything right, it’s not certain, at all, that you’ll succeed. 

But we don’t like hearing all that. I guess nobody wants to be vulnerable to failure, especially when it’s beyond our control. When you ask someone to make a decision, based on something you’ve suggested, then you’re facing some possible rejection, and who wants to live in that world?

But all that is irrelevant to you and I, because we are Christians, and Christians are meant to be world-changers. By the way we live, and work, and love one another, we help convince people to throw off the shackles of slavery to this world, and discover a love beyond measure, beyond all things physical.

If you want to date someone, you’ll need to do some convincing. After all, you’re asking them to invest their whole life in you. It’s all fine and good to think that you can just be a good person, and sit on a park bench, and that someone will come along and do all the romancing for you, but it ain’t gonna go down like that.

You will be a witness, you will play an active role in your love life, and you will not live your whole life like a big fat chicken. You have no reason to fear human rejection, you are already accepted, by God, in every possible important way. Yes some fool will turn you down when you ask them out, some boss won’t see what they have in front of them and fail to hire you.

But you’ll never be tempted to try and live in that small sad world, where you hide from trying to convince people of things, because you’ll always be witnessing. And you’ll be doing it with a total patience that says, “if I don’t convince you today, I’m gonna convince you next week, or next year. But I’m not going anywhere.”

kidcallipygian asked: SUP UNKS! I’m a Christian woman, living my 20-year-old life, and I recently realized that when I meet a Christian guy, I first see them as “potential boyfriend/husband material”. It’s only after I get to know them, that I truly see them as brothers in Christ. I feel this is really bad for me, and I want to change this way of thinking, because it promotes NOT guarding your heart. How do I change?

Unka Glen answered: Ah the guarding your heart thing… Quick update: people in Biblical times thought you did your thinking with your heart, not your brain, and that did your feeling with your stomach (like how you get butterflies in your stomach when you see a hot guy).

The Hebrew word used in Proverbs 4:23, is translated 36 times elsewhere in the Bible as “mind”. As in, guard your mind. And what are we supposed to be guarding our minds from in Proverbs 4? A lack of Godly wisdom. Like the kind of situation where someone misuses a verse that has nothing to do with our romantic lives.

You don’t need to protect your heart from love. 

The other problem here is simple. You SEE a guy, and take in all sorts of information about how he looks, long before you get a chance to find out how he really is inside. You can’t look at a guy from across a crowded room and say, “Mmm girl, he looks like he’s totally saved and sanctified! MMM yeah, work it.” 

I mean you could say that, but it would be super creepy.

What happens is that you see a hot guy and you quickly pray the age old single woman’s prayer: “Please Lord let him be saved, please, please, please, no girlfriend, no girlfriend, no girlfriend.” Does it seem like the priorities are backward here? Yeah. But that’s just the order information arrives in. It’s easy enough to correct those priorities afterwards.

As I mentioned on a recent episode of our podcast, you may have often heard someone give their testimony about how they were drawn to a person spiritually, and then got to know them a emotionally, and then just happened to notice some time later, “hey, guess what, this person is actually super-hot!” Yeah right.

That’s stretching the truth way past the breaking point. That’s just not how life works with us humans. When I saw my wife for the first time I said, “Lord, I’d rather watch this woman walk, than eat fried chicken” (a statement I’d still go by). What I (fortunately) discovered afterwards, was an awesome woman of God. 

When we were dating we kept our priorities where they needed to be, for sure. But we also knew that physical attraction and romance and agape love can easily go hand in hand. We didn’t need to worry about one spoiling the others.

saf-safx asked: Hi Unka Glen, I am struggling with the fear of talking to the guy I’m attracted to, and so I only talk to guy friends I’m NOT attracted to, so it looks like I don’t like the guys I do like. This could be due to the fact that I’ve read a lot of ”Do’s and dont’s” articles about Christian dating, and how a woman should never initiate and that you should wait for the guy, the articles in themselves were not bad, but I seem to have taken it to the extreme. The fear of making my feelings obvious and looking desperate stops me from talking to him. [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Back up a step there. You say these articles aren’t bad? Really? Are you sure? I mean, for the record, you’re paralyzed by fear, and you are completely lost and clueless on how, when, or if you should do something about this relationship, or what that something might look like, and what this guy might think of the whole thing. You’re worse off in every way as a result of reading these articles.

When it comes to how you view the dating process, the plane has crashed into the mountain.

And these articles you’ve been reading aren’t bad you say? Hmm. Let’s see, a woman should never initiate, right? Well, if you read Ruth chapter 3, and if you can follow some of the figures of speech, you’ll see Naomi and Ruth performing that age-old practice of Godly women: plotting together to get an man (Boaz) to marry a woman (Ruth). And Ruth most certainly initiated that, and (spoiler alert) Boaz married her. 

Ah well, you’re right in one sense, you started off feeling like a big ol’ chicken, and these articles took advantage of your fears, and manipulated you into doing nothing about your dating life. You knew this was not dating advice designed to give you the best and highest quality dating life, it was advice designed to keep you from dating altogether.

Right now would be a good time to recognize that Christians can, and will, give advice that is simply wrong, dumb, damaging, and even totally unbiblical. Therefore you need to use Godly wisdom and discernment on everything you read, including Christian stuff. You’re in a bad place because you heard bad advice. Period.

Of course, to be fair, the secular messages for women and dating these days are just as bad. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a romantic comedy where the woman falls head over heels in love, and spends the whole movie making romantic gestures trying to get a man to fall for her? Let me know, I’d love to see that movie for a change.

I’m gonna tweak out many a Potterhead out there (and bless your hearts, you know I love ya), but I watched that Hermione walk around with a sour look on her face, and a stick up her butt for a half dozen movies, and somehow this ginger-haired dude is dying to get with that? Maybe in the movies, but in the real world, if you want a man, YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Okay you’re shy. That’s not a crime, but living your whole life that way might be. You know what’s worse than telling him how you feel, and getting rejected? Watching him date one of your friends, breaking your heart, and knowing that this could have been you, and knowing that you don’t deserve to have romance in your life, because in the moment you weren’t willing to be romantic.

Romantics know that they’ll get their hearts broken, and they embrace that. It’s worth it to have a chance at a beautiful romance, for however long it may last. A real woman of God doesn’t fear rejection. She is loved, so she loves boldly, and she knows that if this man doesn’t have the sense to know what he’s getting, the next one will, and he’ll probably be better looking too!

azurechanel asked: I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man of God; we’re crazy about each other! I’m 22, and he’s my only boyfriend ever. Since I’m new to dating/relationships, I get kinda scared something’s gonna go wrong and break us up. Because I waited for this so long, until it was right, I don’t want mine to end. Any thoughts on dealing with the fear? I know it’s not from God, but it can be hard to shake. Thanks!

Unka Glen answered: The first part of dealing with fear is to understand that fear has a way of making what you fear come true. In this case, by fearing the end of the relationship, you’ll end up holding on too tightly, smothering him, getting jealous of everyone around him, and generally making his life miserable. Next thing you know, things are ending, just the way you feared they would.

The other problem here is coveting. Coveting is about craving something to the point of distraction and dysfunction. People think coveting is about craving the things you don’t have. But coveting also applies to craving things you do have as well. That sounds strange, but that’s how people are.

Rich people hold on to money in a way poor people, with real money problems, never will. Attractive people worry over their looks. Celebrities worry over their fame. People covet their own success, and will often do anything to keep it going, even to the point of losing all happiness.

The solution is simple: give this relationship to God. Sacrifice it to Him. It’s no longer yours to cling to, it’s His. You take your hand off the steering wheel. The good news is, everything will be better as a result of this new perspective. Here’s a prayer for that:

Dear Lord, 

I love having this relationship, I love how it makes me feel, and I love the feeling of being in love. But I love YOU way more. You are my first love, my great passion, my all in all. This dating relationship needs to serve the relationship I have with you. So I’m putting this dating relationship on the altar. I’m sacrificing it to you. If you want it to end, it will end. As much as that would hurt, I know you’d have your reasons, and I trust you more than I trust myself. If you want this relationship to move forward, I want to know where it needs to go, and what it needs to do. I’m your servant Lord, and this dating relationship will be made to serve you as well. 

Amen

Anonymous asked: Hi Unka Glen! Thank you for keeping it real in discipling us and helping the virtual flock navigate the Lord’s word; you are a pretty rad shepherd. I have been living a life away from God for a few years and have recently come back to Him. While it’s a slow process rebuilding a relationship with the Lord, I recognize the importance of a strong foundation in Him. How will I know when I am at the point where I am ready to begin a God-approved relationship?

Unka Glen answered: Thanks, I feel like a pretty rad shepherd :)  …Anyway you’re on the right track here, Being ready to start dating in a Christian context is about having a strong foundation in Christ. Sure, if you have any obvious dysfunction, addiction, or major insecurity, then you’ll want to deal with that, as you would in any other relationship.

The main thing is arriving at a sense of completeness. You are complete in God. You need nothing and no one else. In God “we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). You have been united with Christ, you are one with Him. he supplies your needs. You are complete.

You were searching your whole life for something to make you feel whole, and everything else fell painfully short. Human beings, imperfect as they are, could never fulfill you in this way. God created you with a purpose in mind, and as you fulfill that purpose, you find a meaning not possible in any other relationship.

Once you reach this state, you don’t need someone to be the “wind beneath your wings”, you don’t need them to “complete you”, you are already complete, and in fact, you don’t need this dating relationship at all. And that’s when the person you’re with realizes that this isn’t about need, it’s about want.

It’s about desire and passion and love, not co-dependency, or using each other to meet a need. When you know you are complete in Christ and your life is built around Him, you don’t have to be afraid of loving someone else, and being vulnerable to them, because they can’t shake you to the core. They’ll never be the relationship your life is built around. 

When you know you are complete in Christ, romantic relationships become the icing on the cake. They’re something above and beyond.

How far is too far, sexually speaking, within Christian dating, is my most frequently asked question, so let’s try and answer this in a simple way that will cover as much ground as possible. 

Let’s start here: God has specifically and clearly limited intercourse (the stuff that makes babies) until marriage. There is no wiggle room on that, and no loopholes. As for all the rest, there is basically no Biblical mention. 

Dating is a relatively recent invention. In Biblical times your dad would get together with another dad, sheep would be exchanged, and boom, you’re a 13 year old bride. Basically, you’d be married before you got much of a chance to get into foreplay. So we have to do what we can to figure out the rest.

First, in any area where we don’t have specific instruction from God, it’s important to do everything you can to give Him as much control over that decision as possible. That means doing away with the extremes of doing nothing because it’s “safe’, and doing everything that feels right to your horny little flesh. 

To simplify that prayer process, we can boil it all down to 5 simple stages: kissing, touching your “bathing suit areas”, touching those areas to orgasm, oral sex, and intercourse. If you’ve been dating awhile, kissing would be fine/permissible by any reasonable standard, and intercourse should be out of the picture. So that just simplifies things further.

Given that scripture doesn’t specifically mention anything about foreplay, we can’t say for sure that any of it is a sin. However, we can say that it’s a pretty sinful thing to ignore what God is saying and do your own thing, whether that’s you overly denying yourself, or you going on a free-for-all. 

Both partners need to pray about where that boundary should be, and compare notes until you’re getting a peace about the same answer. Then you should check back in from time to time. Who knows, maybe the Lord will move that boundary line over time. If you go over than boundary, repent, regroup, learn what led to that slip-up, and get back on track. Mistakes are part of life.

And men: real men of God don’t let the woman keep that boundary and play the “bad guy”. Once you decide as a couple where that line is, YOU be the one to pull up and stop when things are getting a little too close to getting out of hand. Build some trust in that area. Be protective, and that includes protecting her from you (and protecting her from herself as well).

While we’re on the subject, maybe we should dispel some myths about how far is too far.

MYTHS:

The Slippery Slope. If you’re with a member of the opposite sex, and you’re sharing a lovely intimate moment, kissing, touching, what have you, and you cannot control yourself, and cannot in any way stop yourself from escalating the physical contact with this other person, then you need to seek immediate psychological help from a professional. 

What we’re really talking about here is something very different. What we’re really dealing with, is two people who can stop at any moment, and have every physical, mental and spiritual resource available to stop… they just don’t wanna. There are no slippery slope excuses, you’ll stop when you decide to stop. 

Set boundaries and learn how to keep them, that’s the essential goal here.

Saving Makes it Better. Let’s talk some basic biology here. The first time women have intercourse, married or not, it’s generally a painful thing. Sometimes it’s a little painful the first few times. As such, married couples learn to have pleasurable sex lives over time (if they really work on it as they should). 

I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve counseled, who report that their first time intercourse was painful and clumsy, and they assumed that God was punishing them for going “too far” before they were married, because, after all, saving sex was supposed to make it awesome and perfect.

When you’re getting ready to be married, make an appointment with your gynecologist and discuss birth control options, and that’s when you’ll learn about a magical substance called “lubricant” that will take away that “cursed” feeling. All first times are a little awkward and fumbling, but you’ll both get the hang of it in no time…with lots of practice!

What You Do Now, Will Ruin Things Later. All marriages have one thing in common, it’s the union of two sinners. It’s the joining of two people with a past. Two people who have had sexual desires, and thoughts, and fantasies. And as scripture says, lusting in our hearts is a sin, just like living it out is a sin.

If you’ve both confessed and been forgiven and cleansed of all of that, then you enter your marriage clean and fresh and new. Any other view on that subject would represent a clear break with Christianity. And what happens when two saved, redeemed, and forgiven Christians get together? They have as much fun as there is to have.

Again, a quality sex life is something you learn how to have over time. As such, there’s no need to rush. Enjoy what God does permit. Christians are passionate, and bold, and committed to pleasing their partners, as they both explore realms of pleasure rarely discovered.

Anonymous asked: Hi Unka! I was wondering, I’ve been told the purpose of marriage is to glorify God, but I’m completely unsure of what this looks like. I know the bible has a lot to say about what marriage is supposed to look like, but I don’t understand how that translates to glorifying God other than obeying his word. Thank you!

Unka Glen answered: The kind of relationship you want, from dating onward, is the kind of relationship that begs the question: why are those two like that? And when they ask that question, they’ll discovery that the answer is: it must be a God thing.

When you do a nice thing for him, when he does something sacrificial for you, people will wonder, what makes this couple different? What makes them go the extra mile? This applies even more when you do things for others. When people in need see you working together as a team to help them, it will cause them to wonder, what do they have in common that allows them to work together and be on the same page like this?

Awhile back, I was going to visit a friend of mine who isn’t saved, and at the last minute he got a call from my wife, who explained that my schedule suddenly got overly full, and she was wondering what she should pack for my trip to come see him.

My friend freaked out, as he had never heard of a wife doing that kind of thing for her husband. She explained that I was working with one of the former gang members we minister to, that this person was going through a crisis, and that this person is very important to her, as is my work with this person, so she was taking over and handling everything else. 

He wondered why we were like that? And the answer was: the relationship we both have with God. That’s a witness he sorely needed.

One last example, when we started our women’s ministry, I sat down and trained our women in setting up the program and running things, and then I told them, “I’m going to hand this whole thing off to you. Each of you has been trained in how to preach, lead worship, lead small groups, and do one-on-one counseling. You are going to do it all.”

But I wasn’t finished there. “The men will be there to set up equipment, haul in the food, prepare refreshments, and then we will clear out. When the ladies come and bring their kids, we will provide the child care, we’ll probably do a bad job, but we’ll do it. And when the meeting is over, we’ll sweep the floors and pack everything away.”

When these women came in, nearly all of whom have been abused and mistreated my men most of their life, they saw the men of the ministry, who are normally in charge of things, and who normally do all the preaching, were suddenly babysitting and pushing a broom around. Believe me, it was more of a proof of a living God, than if He had appeared in a parting of the heavens. 

And that’s why we did it.