Unka Glen

hscrubs asked: Hey Unka Glen, I was just wondering what you think it means to love yourself and how do you go about doing that? A re-occurring theme in my life is people saying that you have to love yourself in order to have healthy relationships with others, so that you aren’t looking to them to fill voids like unhappiness or insecurity, but then I sit and think, “What does all of that even mean and how do I do that?”. Thanks so much! [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well, yeah, on one extreme you have a situation where you might begin to pridefully think too much of yourself, and on the other extreme, you get into self-hatred, and that can’t be what God wants to see in us. So let’s start further back, and make sure we’ve got the right picture. 

Jesus said “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). We’ve been grafted onto this vine. In this vine we live, move and have our being. Apart from this vine we are nothing. He is the vine, we are the branches, but it’s all one plant.

Thus being united with Christ means we can’t really judge ourselves apart from Him, we cannot accomplish much apart from Him, we cannot point to much and say, this is me, and not God, and it’s really something. So yes, loving yourself as an individual is tough, as you find yourself lost deeper and deeper in Christ. But likewise hating yourself is impossible without rejecting or denying the connection you have with God. 

Being united with Christ means that you are never alone. It means you are never incomplete. It means that you are whole and secure. Sure, you’ve got some spots that need pruning, and some wild branches that need to be secured, and lots of other areas that need work, but I can get everything I need for all of that through this connection I share with the Father.

It’s not exactly about loving yourself, or even focusing on yourself, it’s about living into this connection more and more.

Anonymous asked: My boyfriend has been out of work for about 4 and a half months. At first it didn’t really bother me, but lately it has. He admitted that he just doesn’t feel motivated to find one, and that he is being picky (he doesn’t want to work just anywhere due to some pride issues). He also has no education. I’m not dating him just to date, we have talked about the future. He is very self loathing, and tells me all the time that I deserve more, and that I should leave while I can (you know, before marriage).

A part of me just does not find him as attractive as I used to, because of his lack of drive to be actually doing something with his life, and I feel so horrible for even thinking that, because I really do strive to love him like Christ does, but I can’t help but wonder if he’ll be able to support us in the future, if he has no drive right now. I don’t even want to admit that I’m thinking that because I feel shallow saying it. Overall, I just feel really helpless. What can I do for him? Is it wrong for me to feel less attracted to him?

Unka Glen answered: I think it would be wrong to feel the way you do, if he was doing his best to deal with the situation, but was nonetheless jobless. I think it would be wrong to feel the way you do, if he didn’t have drive towards a lucrative career, but instead felt driven to follow the Lord into a lower paying job. But neither of those things is the case. 

If there is a good reason for being turned off, it’s the insecurity. Make no mistake, insecure people eventually destroy every relationship they have. Insecurity is toxic to relationships. Yes, in fairness to your man, we all have our insecure moments, but you’re talking about a trend that’s been playing out over months now.

If you’re dating someone who is insecure, and they’re telling you to bail, rather than fixing the insecurity that has clearly already ground their life to a halt, then you have to ask yourself if maybe it is time to bail. Of course, if you love someone, you hate to see them down on themselves, and you don’t want to be another thing going wrong in his life. But he is presenting you with really only two choices, either enable him, or say something like this:

“You’re dang right I deserve better! And I intend to get better, out of you. Right now. So get your pimply butt off that couch, and get a job, crappy or otherwise, and then hustle your way back here with a mess of flowers and an apology. And if you ever even hint that I should leave you, as an alternative to you fixing your insecurities in God’s strength, then there will be a puff of smoke where I’m standing, because I’ll be gone. My love is unconditional, but my trust is earned. So put the ax to the roots of that lie of insecurity, and start earning.”

Both of these alternatives suck in their own way, but at least the second one gives him a fighting chance.

Anonymous asked: I’m teetering on the line that divides purity and sexual immorality. I’ve grown up in the church my whole life so I know all of the reasons why I’m not supposed to have sex or fool around outside of marriage, but I still find myself not caring anymore and just wanting to go for it. I’ve found access through friends and drinking into a new world that I enjoy. I enjoy who I am when I drink, and I enjoy the attention I get from girls in those situations. Anything to say? 

Unka Glen answered: Nope. Go for it. Probably this whole new way of life will end up being great. I mean, think of all the people that noticed that drinking and getting attention form the opposite sex felt good, and invested their time and money and life to pursuing that good feeling. Almost none of them ended up at the bottom of life, addicted, burned out, or dealing with some form of STD.

C’mon brutha, don’t ask me to talk you out of what you know to be a bad idea, if you’re determined to learn things the hard way, what can I say, except I’ll still be here to help when you’re done. You aren’t charmed, you’ve seen the consequences of chasing that life, and you can’t avoid those consequences any more than you could avoid getting wet by walking between the raindrops.

But when you’re sad and depressed, any existence that numbs the pain, while simultaneously giving you the feeling of acceptance, is a pretty powerful thing. The only problem is, it’s not a cure for what ails you, it’s just a patch on the symptoms. Meanwhile, if you find it hard live with yourself now, try waking up in a strange place having done God-knows what, and see how much harder it gets.

For you to even consider this, there has to be something wrong with your walk, and you won’t find peace until you work it out. And I’d guess that it has something to do with you feeling like you let God down. And that you despise yourself because of that, so you might as well pack your bags and head out on your own, to at least milk some pleasure out of your empty existence.

But here’s the truth: God doesn’t care about all that. He just wants you. He doesn’t want you to perform like a puppet on a string. He wants the real you. Rebellious, carnal, clueless, and wayward as you may be, He wants you. It doesn’t make sense, but heck, when did love ever make sense? 

Before you throw away your relationship with God, throw away your religion, it probably didn’t have much to do with who God really is anyway.