Unka Glen

inahbunag asked: How should I get to the place where I love myself? I think that’s the problem with me sometimes.

Unka Glen answered: That’s easy, just receive some humility from God. 

Now, that’s maybe not the answer you were expecting, given there’s a chance that humility is what you thought you were doing, when you were beating up on yourself. But let’s take some of these negative things you might have been saying to yourself, and see what a humble person might say in that same situation.

• Negative thought: I should be a better Christian than what I am.
• Humble Christian: It’s amazing that I’m able to act as good as I do, given how much I crave all kinds of sin. 

• Negative thought: Why do I have all these lustful desires? All I can think about is committing one sin or another.
• Humble Christian: Thank you Lord, that even though my flesh is totally pulling me in the wrong direction, that you’ve given me the strength to stay on the right path for another day.

• Negative thought: I should feel confident that I can accomplish all these goals, but sometimes I have doubts, and then I hate myself for having those doubts.
• Humble Christian: I know for sure that I will fail without you Lord. I am not up to the task, and we both know it. You put me in over my head, so I would be aware of how much I need you. I can’t do this Lord, but you can do it through me, so help me get out of the way.

• Negative thought: How could I have backslid like this? I thought all this was behind me!
• Humble Christian: Well Lord, this comes as no surprise given my past, and I’m sure you saw it coming, so what did I miss? How did I leave myself open to this? I know you were trying to warn me to go another way, so thank you for that…and I’m sorry for not listening.

• Negative thought: I should be more committed to God. I lack that sense of zeal!
• Humble Christian: Hey Lord, I feel like I’m pretty sloppy and all over the place with this Christian thing, and most of it looks like a real mess to me, but I do love you. I love you so much Lord, and I know, one day I’ll learn to do better, but right here, right now, it’s just super-important that I tell you how much I love you.  

As you can see, that sense of “should” shows up a lot in those negative statements. A sense that you should be much better than what you are, that can only be based on an inflated and unrealistic view of yourself, one that you aren’t living up to. But in the humble points of view, there’s a note of thankfulness and joy behind a focus on God, rather than self. 

The more you focus on God, and not yourself, the more you’ll be able to see yourself anew in His eyes. At that point insecurity, self-hate, and low self-esteem will be a thing of the past.

hscrubs asked: Hey Unka Glen, I was just wondering what you think it means to love yourself and how do you go about doing that? A re-occurring theme in my life is people saying that you have to love yourself in order to have healthy relationships with others, so that you aren’t looking to them to fill voids like unhappiness or insecurity, but then I sit and think, “What does all of that even mean and how do I do that?”. Thanks so much! [edited for length]

Unka Glen answered: Well, yeah, on one extreme you have a situation where you might begin to pridefully think too much of yourself, and on the other extreme, you get into self-hatred, and that can’t be what God wants to see in us. So let’s start further back, and make sure we’ve got the right picture. 

Jesus said “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). We’ve been grafted onto this vine. In this vine we live, move and have our being. Apart from this vine we are nothing. He is the vine, we are the branches, but it’s all one plant.

Thus being united with Christ means we can’t really judge ourselves apart from Him, we cannot accomplish much apart from Him, we cannot point to much and say, this is me, and not God, and it’s really something. So yes, loving yourself as an individual is tough, as you find yourself lost deeper and deeper in Christ. But likewise hating yourself is impossible without rejecting or denying the connection you have with God. 

Being united with Christ means that you are never alone. It means you are never incomplete. It means that you are whole and secure. Sure, you’ve got some spots that need pruning, and some wild branches that need to be secured, and lots of other areas that need work, but I can get everything I need for all of that through this connection I share with the Father.

It’s not exactly about loving yourself, or even focusing on yourself, it’s about living into this connection more and more.

chaiivee asked: Unka Glen. this is a question i don’t often hear asked but i think a lot of people feel. how long is it okay to feel crummy before we have to worry that we’re not well enough understanding how much God loves us? if we feel crummy about ourselves or our circumstances, does that imply a lack of faith? what do we do when down in blue funky moods and scripture only seems to be providing a temporary relief? basically, is it okay to be a sad Christian sometimes?

Unka Glen answered: A great question from one of my favorite poets of all time, and one of my favorite people on Tumblr. Your question is one I think we’ve all wrestled with. When it comes to being depressed, how much is too much, before it becomes spiritually unhealthy and maybe even sinful?

Well, the short answer is that if you’re actually working through your problems, and that’s taking awhile, so be it. Forward progress is forward progress. Speed often isn’t a major concern. But if you aren’t moving forward in dealing with your issues, then you’re either wallowing in the pain, or you’re in denial about the pain. Both of those extremes are wrong responses, no matter how long or short you’re at them.

So let’s start with denial. Christians have a way of thinking: if I have the right feelings and emotions, that will lead to right actions. But Jesus told a story once to some religious leaders that seemed to say the opposite…

“What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “The first,” they answered.  Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you.” (Matthew 21:28-32)

Jesus is saying, sometimes when you vent your bad attitude and your negative feelings, you look around and suddenly you notice that you have a lot to be thankful for, and that thankfulness turns you right around gets you out there showing your gratitude. But by contrast, sometimes you stuff your emotions down, and then you end up heading out to serve and suddenly you’re thinking how unfair it all is, and poor pitiful me, and all these negative emotions come out uglier and nastier than they went in.

The only right response that I know is to go to God and simply say, “here’s my funky attitude, here’s my disobedient heart, here’s me feeling like dirt, and I may be wrong on some of it, or all of it, or none of it… I just don’t know”. That’s when the healing can begin. But by trying to act Christian, you’ve ignored the process that helps you actually become a better Christian. 

Jesus had a word for people who focused only on being nice and proper, while being in denial about deeper stuff, He called them: “whitewashed tombs”. Clean on the outside, but dead on the inside.

But then there’s the opposite extreme from denial, and that’s wallowing in self-pity, and this recent question gives us a clue as to what goes on there…

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sinfreed asked: Hey Unka Glen. :) I’ve got a couple questions about depression. I’ve been thinking about it lately. At least in my case, whenever I feel upset or depressed it’s because I’m thinking, “Why wasn’t I included?” “Why didn’t I get a piece of cake?” “What about me?” It’s always because I’m worried about myself. So is depression selfish? Should Christians never be depressed because Jesus tells us to be selfless instead? Thanks! :)

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Dylan (sinfreed) gives us the insight that depression can sometimes be about wallowing in self pity, which is clearly wrong and unproductive, but does that mean we can never have negative, hurting, and depressive emotions? Not at all. Here is a guy named David who felt pretty bad, but it still led to a Godly attitude…

“My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me… I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears… Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.” (Psalm 6, various verses)

All this is pretty raw, and I suppose there is a bit of self-focus, but it’s more like David is asking God to have pity on him, rather than David taking pity on himself. Once David knows that God is there for him, he finds it easier to take on a righteous attitude. David took his ugly, raw, and real emotions to God, he didn’t hide them, or wallow all alone in them.

I hope you’re beginning to get the picture— the process of getting to right attitudes and actions is usually messy, ugly, unpleasant to witness, and raw as all get out. So be it. I don’t hear Jesus complaining about the obedient son with the wrong attitude. I hear Jesus saying that people who who project a right-sounding attitude instead of honesty, will find themselves watching prostitutes entering the Kingdom of Heaven ahead of them.

(For more on the healing process, especially in romantic relationships, check out this post)

Life is pretty good when you have Lee Younger using his considerable talents to artify (shut up, that’s a word) a quote from one of my posts.

Would you please, one time, give it a rest with the guilt? Dang! Okay, you screwed up. We get it. Don’t act like you invented a whole new kind of sinnin’. You think you done lapsed into a whole new category of unforeseen evilness, and God’s Word no longer applies? Is that it? Please. Unka Glen has done more sinnin’ by accident than you ever did on purpose, and you don’t see me sittin’ around wallowing in guilt, do you? That’s because one day I was endlessly confessing, and God said, “yeah, yeah, I get it, I forgive you, now would you mind if we talk about something else? I have some stuff to say too, ya know.”

Now, I’m talking about guilt, not conviction. Conviction calls you to your higher self, and tells you it’s time to stop playing with counterfeit, cheap, and hollow pleasures. Guilt makes you feel less worthy, and so it drives you AWAY from God. Having said that, can you please explain to me why you’ve actually been using guilt to keep yourself motivated in this walk with the Lord? Whaa? Conviction says accept no substitutes, play no games, and waste no time. Conviction says climb your pimply butt up outta this pit, and don’t stop ‘till you’re up the side of that dang mountain!

1 John 1:9 says, “God is faithful and fair. If we admit that we have sinned, he will forgive us our sins. He will forgive every wrong thing we have done. He will make us pure”. You’ve got to call God a liar to hang on to that guilt, and believe this, you want to hop off that train before it pulls into the station. Let me ask you this: this thing you feel guilty about, are you for sure that this is the absolute top of the list, in terms of things God wants fixed? Heck I’ll bet guilt itself is at the top of that list (see what I did there?)! And I’ll bet the thing you’re agonizing over is really a symptom of a larger thing, and that larger thing needs to get fixed first anyway.

See the entire “What The Heck” series here. …then read this, it reads like we coordinated it, but we didn’t. That’s just how God works, yo.

• You said: i dont know where to start. but lets just put it this way, i already came to a point where i asked God " God dont you like me also? that's why you're not taking me?? please take me everyone hates me here." i know its not right but i feel so neglected and alone. i awalys think of killing myself but i fear God and i dont want Him to hate me also. i know my problem isnt as big as everyone else. but if it isnt why do i want to die? my heart feels like giving up. i have a broken family, i still havent finish school. and everyone in our family dont want to help us. . and even my friends they hate me coz they say im a self absorbed person. but they dont know im only like this because i feel like im the only one who loves myself. my dad is a drug addict. so he has been in and out of the rehabs eversince i was born and they (my parents) broken up the year i was gonna graduate for h.s. please tell me God loves me. =( - Anonymous
• I said:

  I can tell you that God loves you, but I can’t tell you how much. Human words can’t describe something that massive, all encompassing, and unchanging. I can say that a really smart guy who wrote most of the New Testament said this. But if you hate yourself, I’m afraid that not much of that will penetrate.

  It makes sense that you hate your life. It sounds like it sucks pretty bad. The problem is, if you hate your life bad enough, you start to hate yourself. And then you get into the whole self-pity and low self-esteem thing. And that’s where your friends say you’re “self-absorbed”. Being down on yourself is being focused on yourself, just as much as, let’s say, a “stuck up” person is focused on themselves.

  Your friends don’t hate you, they’re tired of you. There’s a difference. Humans have limits for sympathy, patience, and mourning for those who mourn. That doesn’t mean that they suck, or you suck, it just means people have their limits. The good news is that God doesn’t have those limits.

  Ah, but you think God hates you. You hate yourself, so you figure God must agree with you. Here’s a newsflash: God doesn’t think like you. The Bible says, “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD”. Well, thank goodness God doesn’t think like me, I get some jacked-up thoughts going sometimes. Ya feel me?

  So where do we go from here? Two things: first, picture a country road with a ditch on either side of that road. On one side of that road we have wallowing in self-pity, on the other side of that road we have denial (pretending all this isn’t driving you nuts). The key is to steer between those two extremes and get going down the road. Jesus Himself is that path (He called Himself “the way”, remember?).

  Second, make it not be about you. You’ve already got the perfect tool for that. Get on the Tumblr, and start encouraging people. Message them that you love their blog. Tell people you’re praying for them. Let people know to keep their heads up and keep moving. There’s nothing to it. Sometimes a small gesture at the right time in the right way can make a big difference. Heck, you already know what it feels like to be down, you should have all the understanding in the world. The world needs that understanding, so don’t hold out on us, let us hear from you!

  *** You can post your own question to Unka Glen, or share your thoughts, by clicking on the question mark at the top of the page. ***